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Some More Funnies

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

ENJOY, these are cute.....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

kmygil
Posts: 881
Joined: Feb 2007

I laughed till I snorted. It's all your fault!
Kirsten

Julie 44
Posts: 479
Joined: Oct 2008

Thanks for the laughs..My husband and I enjoyed them...Julie

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Thanks for the laughs, Beth. I am so appreciating funny things that make me laugh, especially lately. I was reading a book on motherhood today while my kids were playing at a waterpark. I laughed out loud a couple of times & the woman next to me kept looking at me like I was strange. I didn't care one bit- it felt great to laugh!

eric38's picture
eric38
Posts: 588
Joined: May 2009

Enjoyed it thoroughly.

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

WE do need to laugh more. Today I go see my ONC for the official results.....I am confident everything is okay....

Lets laugh more....
Beth

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Too funny I needed that today i had the ignition changed in my car ok took the old key off i am at work and i can't unlock my door i need the old key thats in the trash at my house. If it ain't one thing its another sorry i had to vent. so now i have to find a ride home to get the key thats in the trash i might get aaa it looks like i will need them . Angel was a mechanic so he would come to my rescue but not anymore ,

michelle

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Michelle,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know you appreciate Angel's skills and help that he gave you now even more than ever. I know, of course, that makes you miss him all the more now too. Hang tough and always enjoy your beloved memories of him. As frustrating as today's situation was for you, maybe you'll actuallty look back on it eventually with a chuckle of the irony of it all. In the meantime, keep hangin in there- you're a strong woman & I know you'll pull through all right. I do enjoy reading contributions to everyone's posts and also about your day to day experiences.

Prayers for you,
Lisa

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Lisa, I sure appreciate all your kind words i really needed to hear that today i already feel better. Sometimes i feel so alone so i come here often,And people here know me so i feel connected, And so many people here do think about me and i know that and that comforts me..

Have a wonderful day

michelle

lizzydavis's picture
lizzydavis
Posts: 893
Joined: May 2009

Hi Beth,

Thanks for the Laughs! I laughed out loud! Great Medicine!

Liz

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