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Dave Barry Colonoscopy journey.very funny

jillpls's picture
jillpls
Posts: 241
Joined: Mar 2008

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colon os copy journal:
--------------------------------------------
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a
colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy
organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and
patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was
shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product
called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow
it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a
one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the
metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -like a mixture
of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor,
state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever
seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as
the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend
several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I
worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to
a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally
agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes
and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that,
when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I
would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also
told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought ofthis is, but then I pondered what would
happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but
I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this
point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen'
by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in
explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBAwas yelling 'Dancing
Queen, feel the beat ofthe tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other
room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more
excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies ...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous ..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out ...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4903
Joined: May 2005

I love Dave Barry's sense of humor.

robinvan's picture
robinvan
Posts: 1014
Joined: May 2007

Yes...

He's got it down pretty good!!

Rob

tiny one
Posts: 467
Joined: Jan 2009

I was laughing so hard at this I bout fell out of my chair. I watched Cheech and Chong in Up in smoke last nite. I thought him dancin around the car just hillarious. I'd forgotten about some of the things they did back then. Brings back memories of high school and dating. I'm 50 but if I could go back to any age it would be 30 forever. Think I'll read this to Group Friday.

kmygil
Posts: 881
Joined: Feb 2007

I've read it before, but it cracks me up every time....

Kirsten

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

Seen this before, but it still works!
mary

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