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Posts: 37
Joined: Jul 2008

My wife has sclc,and has only a few months with us.What im curious about is what can i do for my 2 young boys?Theyre 10&12,and i worrie about them all the time.Is there anything anyone would advise me to get started on now before things get real bad?Ive allready contacted school guidance dept and such,but i feel like its not going to be enough.I also have a lot of concerns for my older boy whos doing a wonderful job caring for his mom but how much should i let a 12 yr old do?I dont want him to loose his childhood over this...hes gonna loose enough.Thanks

soccerfreaks's picture
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

You are hopefully going to get a lot better advice on this subject than I can give, but I must say this: I have coached a LOT of kids in the ages you speak of, both boys and girls, and what I have discovered is that kids are a lot more intelligent and aware than we, as parents, give them credit for. I think that they may hold it in or something until they are with someone like a teacher or a coach, and then WHOA, the things I have learned from kids about their world views!

So please don't sell them short about this process. They are more aware and tougher than we are apt to realize as their parents.

In addition, I believe that if your older son wants to be involved in the care for his mom, then that is probably a great thing for him, something he will never forget, something that may cause some short term grief (but nothing like her death will), but something that in the long run he will remember with personal pride and satisfaction. I think it will strengthen, if that is possible, the bond he has with his mom, in these last weeks and months, and I would not dissuade him from it if he really wants to do it.

I wish you and your entire family the very best in these very trying times.

Take care.

Anonymous user (not verified)

hansie, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer my daughter was 12 and son was 1.
I lost both breasts in less than 2 years...just as my daughter was getting hers.
She was a tremendous help to me...watching her little brother when I couldn't, helping me change my bandages (not a pretty sight), and being helpful with all kinds of chores while I was healing from surgeries or sick from chemo.
At the time I was very afraid it was all just going to be too much for her. Not so. Today she is a strong, mature, responsible young woman who knows how to stand in the gap when she needs to.
We naturally want to shield our kids from these kinds of stresses when we can, but bad stuff is going to happen and I believe it is good when our kids learn how to handle life (and death, unfortunately...I lost my hubby to cancer...I got the cancer and he got lost...which was very much like a death in our family) while they are still under our care and direction. My son turned out remarkably well too by the way.
Your boys are going to get through this just fine, especially if you all handle it as a group and not as something that is happening just to Mom. I know you get that. That is why you posted.
God bless your family.

slickwilly's picture
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

I am a father with 3 daughters that watched me fighting cancer while 2 were in their final year of high school. My first diagnosis was 0% which changed to 50% and I survived. Be open and honest and work through it as a family. I worked hard at not changing my daughters regular activities. It was important to me that they were not denied their final year of school functions. Have your wife write each child a special letter that they can hang on to for the rest of their life. Or video tape something special from her to each child. Try to spend some quality time together as a family. I know its hard between Dr appointments and treatments. Let the kids help with your wife and house chores as they will feel better about helping in some way. 2 of my daughters even sat through my 9 1/2 chemo treatments. 1 is now in her final year of nursing school. Children need to feel secure. Your whole extended family needs to let them know they will always be taken care of. If they feel the family is falling apart it can have a major effect on children. Let your 12 year old help and make sure you tell him thanks and that you love him. Keep track of their grades when they return to school. That can be a major indicator of trouble. If you see a major change it might be time to seek professional help with a family therapist. If your children see you being strong, caring and loving they will most likely grow into fine men someday with fond memories of their mother. God bless you and your family.

Posts: 20
Joined: Sep 2008

Hansie,I understand wheat you are going through, my husband doesn't have much time left, he has stage IV colon cancer with liver metastis. Our boys are 10,6,and3, and I am working with our hospice team to get them counseling and help them cope. If you ever need to chat, I'm here.

Posts: 37
Joined: Jul 2008

thanks everyone for the support...i guess the other thing that makes this hard is i have little family...a mom and a sister,thats it.She(my wife)and her whole side of the family are in denial,dont believe any of this,and are not involved in any part of it.It would be nice to be able to talk to them,but they dont return phone calls(we're in ny,her family is all in colorado)A lot of that is from her denial...she blocks out things her oncologist says and screens it in her own head,eventualy believing her own "truth"and discarding the real one...is this normal?it leaves me in a pickle,as noone on her side of the family seems to be taking this seriously and i could use some help

Posts: 35
Joined: Feb 2008

I lost my John in May and I do think a lot of time he was in denial until the end. I think denial is really big in terminal diagnosis. Although some feel it is important for them to find acceptance I think it was ok that he did not take it all in. I also believe he knew but chose to block it out. Who would want to face their own mortality in the face? How could they make it thru the day thinking this is it.
It is a shame regarding her family as they are losing valuable time. You just will have to block out of your mind what they do and do not do. They will be sorry. Maybe you can find a support group in your area for you.

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