Cancer Killing Marrage???

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hward2007
hward2007 Member Posts: 62
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I temporary left my husband, my treatment is over unless something comes back on blood work Aug 14th Then get expander's out in dec. implants put in and now my marriage is falling apart, nothing legal me and daughter staying with mom and going to try and work it out through church minister. the is the one year aniversery that we met, Married in Dec. 2 Lost baby Jan. 1st got cancer news on my daughters birthday Jan 24th everthing rought but good till a few weeks ago. Any suggestions or opinions?
Heather the nut.
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  • Bill.S
    Bill.S Member Posts: 177
    #2
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    Heather,You have just been through a rough time in your life and I'm pretty sure it put a lot of strain on your new marriage.Loosing a baby didn't help either.IMHO You need to take care of yourself and your daughter first. If your new husband can deal with what you have been through and support you emotionally and physicaly and love you for who YOU are you are a lucky woman. But if he can't handle it, say good-by and get on with the rest of your life.
    Bill S almost 57 yr old MAN who HAD BC survivors we all are.
  • Bill.S
    Bill.S Member Posts: 177
    #3
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    Heather,You have just been through a rough time in your life and I'm pretty sure it put a lot of strain on your new marriage.Loosing a baby didn't help either.IMHO You need to take care of yourself and your daughter first. If your new husband can deal with what you have been through and support you emotionally and physicaly and love you for who YOU are you are a lucky woman. But if he can't handle it, say good-by and get on with the rest of your life.
    Bill S almost 57 yr old MAN who HAD BC survivors we all are.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #4
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    Hi you~ so sorry for your latest news. :-(

    I cannot of course, speak for your marriage in particular, but YES...marriages have been known to fall apart because of a serious illness. Sometimes it is just more than a spouse bargained for, especially emotionally. It can have such deep-seated roots~ fear and anger, to name just a few. And, I know I have said this a million times here, but it still bears repeating, with apologies to the men who stick around: Men Fix, Women Nurture. And when our men can't fix this, sometimes it all unravels.

    I am not a fortune-teller here, make no mistake!
    I don't know about your past with him, and of course, not your future. Do you spend time talking? Is counseling an option? Only you and he can know that.

    For now, I am glad you and your daughter have a safe, nurturing place to stay while you get strong, both physically and emotionally.

    I am sure you will get lots of great advice here...as one of our sweet sisters said ( was that you, Zah?) she lost her husband to cancer: She got cancer, he got lost. I am pretty sure it wasn't funny then, but look at her now!

    Keep coming in here...we love you, girl!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #5
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    Hi you~ so sorry for your latest news. :-(

    I cannot of course, speak for your marriage in particular, but YES...marriages have been known to fall apart because of a serious illness. Sometimes it is just more than a spouse bargained for, especially emotionally. It can have such deep-seated roots~ fear and anger, to name just a few. And, I know I have said this a million times here, but it still bears repeating, with apologies to the men who stick around: Men Fix, Women Nurture. And when our men can't fix this, sometimes it all unravels.

    I am not a fortune-teller here, make no mistake!
    I don't know about your past with him, and of course, not your future. Do you spend time talking? Is counseling an option? Only you and he can know that.

    For now, I am glad you and your daughter have a safe, nurturing place to stay while you get strong, both physically and emotionally.

    I am sure you will get lots of great advice here...as one of our sweet sisters said ( was that you, Zah?) she lost her husband to cancer: She got cancer, he got lost. I am pretty sure it wasn't funny then, but look at her now!

    Keep coming in here...we love you, girl!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #6
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    My dearest friend Heather: What a time you've been through. It isn't easy going through cancer and some spouses just can't handle it. You and your daughter should be your first priority. Maybe, this trial separation will help him see what a wonderful person you are. I hope it works out for you, but whatever the outcome we are here for you. Hugs, Lili
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #7
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    My dearest friend Heather: What a time you've been through. It isn't easy going through cancer and some spouses just can't handle it. You and your daughter should be your first priority. Maybe, this trial separation will help him see what a wonderful person you are. I hope it works out for you, but whatever the outcome we are here for you. Hugs, Lili
  • sylva
    sylva Member Posts: 80
    #8
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    Heather: You are not "the nut", you are a human being going through so many changes in your life right now.
    This disease changes everything, physically, spiritually, and how we see and value things in our lives. And for some people is very hard to adapt to and accept all these changes. It's not your fault. You are a strong woman, and think that things are going to work out to the best way for you and your daughters.
  • sylva
    sylva Member Posts: 80
    #9
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    Heather: You are not "the nut", you are a human being going through so many changes in your life right now.
    This disease changes everything, physically, spiritually, and how we see and value things in our lives. And for some people is very hard to adapt to and accept all these changes. It's not your fault. You are a strong woman, and think that things are going to work out to the best way for you and your daughters.
  • Joycelouise
    Joycelouise Member Posts: 482
    #10
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    I like Chen's image that you and your daughter are somewhere safe now. Maybe just focus on that. Nothing more for a little while or a long while. Feel safe. That is good, for now. The rest you can sort out later, when you feel like it, a little at a time or all at once. Safely.
    Been there, been divorced, its easier than unhappiness. Love, Joyce
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #11
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    Hi Heather. I am the one Chen was referring to..."I lost my hubby to cancer; I got cancer and he got lost"...
    Well, there's a lot more to it than that of course, in our case cancer was only one of the issues involved, which I imagine is the case in most marriages. I mean, loosing a baby...seems even harder to get through than cancer to me.
    My point is, that whatever the dynamics of your particular situation, you have to be who you were meant to be. And nature structured things so that it is the female who protects the young, and in order to do so, we must also do what we have to do for ourselves.
    I had 'young' to protect and I did it to the best of my ability. He (ex) wasn't doing it for sure.
    And I experienced my third cancer diagnosis in a span of 10 years just 6 months after he left. Did he come back to stand in the gap? He did not. End of story for him and me.
    So, for now take care of yourself and daughter and see how things play out in the future. You don't have to decide everything right now.
    Hugs.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #12
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    Oh, sweetheart, I wish it wasn't, but it is true that cancer puts a BIG strain on relationships, whatever they are. Good for you that you are seeking help from your minister. And, possibly look into individual counselling...the role of caregiver can be just as hard as patient, but without the support system built in like the patient has.

    I guess my best thought is what you have done...step a bit away from the situation, and maybe you both will have a clearer picture. Unfortunately, long term (my beau and I have been together for 17 years) relationships struggle, and here you are, not even a year into your marriage. I would imagine hubby is feeling a bit overwhelmed.

    As others have said, many times the unchosen victim in this are the children. But, you have taken positive steps there, too...by moving with her grandmother.

    This is a rough road. No one's emotions are even. And, you are definately NOT a nut in this!!!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • teresaglea
    teresaglea Member Posts: 16
    #13
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    Check with your oncologists office and see if they have a cancer support group for spouses. He may be just so overwhelmed. He's new at being a husband and this is just way too much. Also when I got BC my oncologists office gave my husband a book called Helping your spouse through cancer. He didn't read it because we didn't feel he needed to. He has always been in tune to my needs. But then we have been together for 24 years. luck and I'll keep you in my prayers. TG
  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #14
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    hward,
    I have lost a child (1st was stillborn, now have 2 healthy teenage girls) and now finishing up cancer treatments. You and your spouse are going through MANY things right now. You have a new marriage, which is a hard adjustment. You had a pregnancy, which is hard ajustment. You had the death of a child, which is a great loss (psychologists say it is the top of the list for difficult losses to deal with). You have been diagnosed with cancer, which is a huge thing to deal with too. You both have to deal with all these things, and they have happened in a short time. Each one by itself would be enough...add them all up and it's no wonder you are both struggling. I am proud of you for going to your church for help. I am a Christian and my church is the first place I go to for help. Don't be afraid to go to a professional counsellor outside the church as well, unless the church has someone trained and experienced in dealing with people who have been through what you are going through. If there is any way to convince your husband to get help as well, it would be good for both of you, but you need to take care of you, even if he is not able to seek help at this point. I think your hospital or ACS would be good places to go too. I'm sure you know that this is all having an effect on your daughter too...don't forget to get help for her if she needs it. I don't think we "get over" things like this...we have to find a way to let it become a part of us and move on.

    You are in our prayers. seof
  • Bill.S
    Bill.S Member Posts: 177
    #15
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    Bill.S said:

    Heather,You have just been through a rough time in your life and I'm pretty sure it put a lot of strain on your new marriage.Loosing a baby didn't help either.IMHO You need to take care of yourself and your daughter first. If your new husband can deal with what you have been through and support you emotionally and physicaly and love you for who YOU are you are a lucky woman. But if he can't handle it, say good-by and get on with the rest of your life.
    Bill S almost 57 yr old MAN who HAD BC survivors we all are.

    Remember that men are fixers and women are different from men, they tend to nurture and examine things emotionally so if my "leave the jerk" attitude seems to strong I don't appologize for it.
    Take real good care of yourself and your daughter.
    Bill S
  • cabbott
    cabbott Member Posts: 1,039 Member
    #16
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    I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this. Marriage problems are so common with cancer survivors that the clinic I go to actually had the nurse come in and ask how my marriage was going about 9 months after surgery. It was on her list of questions to ask because it happens. If you can work it out with him, your marriage should be able to weather whatever hurricanes life has to offer. If not, talk to the minister about an annulment. While he might not have planned to have a rough first year, neither did you and marriage is for better or worse, not for good times only. Some guys don't quite get that when they say "I do". I will be thinking of you. Good luck!
  • Dalan
    Dalan Member Posts: 2
    #17
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    lost my marriage.
    I read your post and it is all to familiar. My husband and I have been seperated for 2 years. He was unable to communicate with me during the chemo. Never asked how I was feeling, not a hug or to say everything will be ok, you are still beautiful. I was devastated not having my partner of 17 years. My children were my support system. My oldest son was in Iraq during my chemo and not hearing from him for months drove me crazy. I felt like I was a mess but I was on a mission and I got through it. Now, my ex is dating a 24 year old and I can only think it is because she is young and healthy. I go through bouts of lonliness but my grandson has a way of bringing me out of it.
    I am 3 years cancer free and owe it to my attitude. My life has forever changed. I have residual effects from the chemo. Taxol was brutal and I take pain meds for the neuropathy in my hands and feet. But I have 3 beautiful children one grandson and one on the way. I couldn't ask for anything better. Good luck to you you are getting the support you need. Your family and your church.
  • Ginger7286
    Ginger7286 Member Posts: 13
    #18
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    lost marriage
    Sorry to hear about your marital situation. I kinda have a similar situation. I had my domestic partner end our relationship suddenly back in Jan 08. Since then I have been diagnosed with cancer (stage 2 breast cancer)she is trying her best to be here for me, but I really don't know if I want her to be. Bad memories come back, on the other hand it is nice to have someone who you know there sometimes. Sometimes things are tough emotionally and I just need a familar face. Good luck, I would suggest sitting down like adults and discussing it if that is possible. This situation may be just as scary for him.
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #19
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    Dalan said:

    lost my marriage.
    I read your post and it is all to familiar. My husband and I have been seperated for 2 years. He was unable to communicate with me during the chemo. Never asked how I was feeling, not a hug or to say everything will be ok, you are still beautiful. I was devastated not having my partner of 17 years. My children were my support system. My oldest son was in Iraq during my chemo and not hearing from him for months drove me crazy. I felt like I was a mess but I was on a mission and I got through it. Now, my ex is dating a 24 year old and I can only think it is because she is young and healthy. I go through bouts of lonliness but my grandson has a way of bringing me out of it.
    I am 3 years cancer free and owe it to my attitude. My life has forever changed. I have residual effects from the chemo. Taxol was brutal and I take pain meds for the neuropathy in my hands and feet. But I have 3 beautiful children one grandson and one on the way. I couldn't ask for anything better. Good luck to you you are getting the support you need. Your family and your church.

    No hugs
    Dalan, I can sure relate to your story. I lost both breasts less than 2 years apart, going through all the surgeries and treatments twice. I never got the hugs or kind words from my hubby either. Nothing. Robot version of the man I married. Then he finally left and 6 months later I was diagnosed with bone cancer. I kept waiting for him to come back and stand in the gap...until I found out that he was seeing someone else. So I decided I would have to do this one on my own. Which wasn't much different than I had done with the first two.
    Suddenly I was a single parent, disabled, and also caregiver to both my parents. I thought it would never all get sorted out.
    BUT...all that began 22 years ago, and today I am in reasonable health, kids grown up, still looking after Dad (we lost Mom 4 years ago) and in a good place. I so often think of what Joseph told his brothers who had sold him into slavery; 'You meant it for evil but God meant it for good.'
    God bless.
  • suzanne56
    suzanne56 Member Posts: 18
    #20
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    Cancer Killing Marriage
    Cancer can be the most devastating thing to a marriage. If you think about it, it the fear of losing the one you love. And it's a terrible fear that most men won't admit to. Luckily, when I had my mastetomy, the first thing my surgeon ask my husband was if he wanted to see a counselor because a lot of marriages don't survive cancer. My wonderful husband told him he didn't marry me for my breast. He stayed with me through the whole trip and never let me know how worried and physically sick he got when I took my treatments. I would have never made it without him. I'm lucky, because I lost every friend I had from fear, but he stood by me. Give him some time, he's hurting too. And he's VERY SCARED. Get some counseling from whomever. I wish you luck and happiness.
    Love Suzanne
  • Cindyjoy
    Cindyjoy Member Posts: 8
    #21
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    suzanne56 said:

    Cancer Killing Marriage
    Cancer can be the most devastating thing to a marriage. If you think about it, it the fear of losing the one you love. And it's a terrible fear that most men won't admit to. Luckily, when I had my mastetomy, the first thing my surgeon ask my husband was if he wanted to see a counselor because a lot of marriages don't survive cancer. My wonderful husband told him he didn't marry me for my breast. He stayed with me through the whole trip and never let me know how worried and physically sick he got when I took my treatments. I would have never made it without him. I'm lucky, because I lost every friend I had from fear, but he stood by me. Give him some time, he's hurting too. And he's VERY SCARED. Get some counseling from whomever. I wish you luck and happiness.
    Love Suzanne

    going..going......
    My husband and I were drinking buddies before my bc. We were clinging sweeties scared to death at the onset of it all.We cleaned up our acts pronto Somewhere around the time after 3 chemos and I was to have surgery he began getting lots of pills from his physician and a psychiatrist and getting high all to deal with his fear. I had begun to get God into my life and grow inner strenth. He scared me and my main support system but any suggestions on my part that he should stop taking all those pills caused him to rage. I had to leave. That was over three months ago and I am one week from finishing treatment. I love my husband but 3 months of living alone during cancer treatment after 13 years together have put a rift between us that I don't think anything short of a miracle can bridge. He claims I pushed him out of my life and didn't appreciate all he did for me. I don't know but I do know that I don't think if he was doing chemo he would want me high as a kite! I hate being alone and miss my sweetie. But it's just not the same anymore. I would love to talk to other women in the same boat.

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