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need to vent

justashley's picture
Posts: 3
Joined: Jun 2008

It is sooooo hard to complain I have truely been blessed. I went in to surgery to remove what we thought was a fiboris tumor in my lower left lung, this was after 7 xrays 3 ct scans 2 biopsys 1 colapsed lung - that all came back as inconculsive. Mind you the original complaint to the doc was a bad cold coughing up small amounts of blood sporaticly, I was also a heavy smoker for many years. He never checked for cancer!? On Apil 1st 2008 I was diagnosed w/Lung Cancer - I'm only 41 yrs old (as of last week) Mucinus Adenocarcinoma of the Lung, what words to hear on April Fools day!! Fortunately the tumor and several lymph nodes were removed and 2 wks later the PET scan came back negative for anymore. I am taking 5 rounds of chemo as a preventative. I just had my 3rd dose today feeling a little tired, so I hope I'm making sense and spelling correctly. anyway back to the venting - I have long since given up on having any kind of relationship w/my mother long long long story, I did however call to tell her I had cancer (first contact in about a year) no quilt trip just letting her know that everything was okay but that I did have cancer.I didn't want her to hear it from my grandpa her dad. 3 days later I got a registered letter from stepdad #10 (told you long long long story) telling my that if I called, wrote or in any other way tried to contact my mother I would he would file a restraining order against me and the rest of her family. Well that was fine like I said I had long given up my mother. Here's the shocker, she called me yesterday. The first thing I said is she is not allowed to contact me do to the letter, she said she had no idea and to just ignore it, she siad she has been thinking about me since last week was my birthday and wanted to come see me. Here again she has had no contact with my family for over a year, including being invited for a 5 generation photo w/her father and my grandson. It would have been 5 generations great great grandpa, great grandma, grandma, mom, baby, no charge- I paid - no response. She had been sent pictures and many invites to come see her greatgrandson all no response. She has been invited to my oldest daughter & her husband home on numerous occassions so that I would not be there and she could she the baby again no response. During the conversation we had she asked about the baby who is now 16 mths old I said he was fine and that she should have rec'd numerous pictures she said she had but they had stoped I again told her about the letter. She went on to ask about why she didn't receive an inventation to my youngest daughters graduation I told her again about the letter and that we only ordered a few and didn't see the point in mailing her one she got upset and cried. Said she just wanted to come see me. I just don't know what to do. My friends and daughters tell me to tell her no, my physco doc said to follow my heart I just can't deal w/her issues while I'm dealy with everything else - my husband is tried of my complaing/whining - any ideas

Anonymous user (not verified)

Hi ashley.
Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) life is not like a romantic novel where a crisis out of the blue pulls everyone together and all past animosities are forgotten.
In my case, a less than healthy marriage ended after my 3rd cancer diagnosis. I had thought, "Now he'll come around and realize that life is short and we need to get it together." Didn't happen.
It seems to me that the situation you describe with your mother is way too complicated and far-reaching to be tended to and healed while you are in the fight of your life. The last thing you need right now is MORE stress. You need to concentrate on YOU.
I hope you can distance yourself from your family upheaval long enough to do what you need to do for your own healing.
God bless.

Posts: 288
Joined: May 2003

Hi Ashley,

I agree 100% with Zahalene. Right now your treatment and recovery are the important things or at least you should be directing your energy towards that.

I think you mentioned you are in touch with other family members so you are not alone and your husband is there too. Put your mom out of your mind for the time being, especially since her husband told you if there is any kind of contact with her, he will file a restraining order against you and the rest of the family. You do not need that kind of stress right now.

A therapist usually tells you what choices you may have but will not tell you what to do, that is your decision.

I suggest that you deal with your treatment and recovery FIRST and later when you feel better and have more energy, if you feel like it, deal with your mother.

All the best,

manna1qd's picture
Posts: 48
Joined: Dec 2007

Do you want to see her? If so, see her. It is unlikely it will be easy but if you feel it is critical to your well being, do it. If you aren't sure wait. If you don't want to see her, you certainly have the right to say no. Sounds like there are many details and past situations to understand it all. YOu will best work it out with your therapist. I have been a magical thinker where my mother is concerned. I have had to take care of myself and understand that it is not about her and what she needs. It is about me and what I need. If I am looking for anything from my mother, I will likely be very diappointed. I have decided to use my energy to pursue my health and happiness. Nothing wrong with that. I wish you well.

winthefight's picture
Posts: 161
Joined: Dec 2007

Well, you have a right to vent. Family members can be a pain some times. In this case, I agree with the others.....your health is the most important thing right now. Please consider the effects of added stress this reunion can bring. I can understand the wanted to let her in...especially now, but what will the consequences? Will it make you happy, sad, or stressed? Then there is the letter to stay away........

Concentrate on your trmts and your health. You can deal with the other stuff later....when you are stronger, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

When in doubt...pray.

Be blessed

terato's picture
Posts: 383
Joined: Apr 2002


I was originally diagnosed in the early 80s when treatment protocols were long and brutal. I saw my marriage fall apart as my wife and I developed disparate priorities, becoming indifferent to each other. I slid into chronic depression which seemed to get worse when my combination chemotherapy ended. Three years later, we were divorced. Today, I realize that my wife and her mother were the fourth and fifth tumors in my life and their "removal" helped my return to emotional well-being. If your mother is not conducive to your healing, she needs to keep away. She needs to respect your feelings about this. After all, you are the best judge of what you need.

Love and Courage,


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