When Cancer Gets Old

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hward2007
hward2007 Member Posts: 62
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
This is a vent..I realize I am the one with cancer and fighting cancer to be here for my family and my daughter. But what do you do when your family gets tired and cancer gets old..They don't want to talk about it hear about it or even know if you are still strugling with cancer. I am not going any where soon so if the people in my life are here to help I guess they will have to hear about cancer for a very long time...or till there is a cure..Thanks for the vent.
Heather

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  • mgm42
    mgm42 Member Posts: 491 Member
    #2
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    This is the place to vent. I'm sure you're not alone in your feelings, though. You know that your family cares and maybe they are just protecting themselves from any reminders that you do have cancer and are waging a battle. I think that sometimes family members put up defense mechanisms because down deep they are frightened. Hang in there. I'm still in treatment and not about to be quiet with my family about my side effects and how I'm feeling. I know they must get sick and tired of hearing me, but I need to get it out. I figure they'll love me anyway. I've forgiven them a lot of things over the year. Keep on venting girl. Hugs, Marilynn
  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #3
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    hward,
    This is a good place to vent. You are among those who understand. You have sparked my mind, and gotten me to thinking this morning, thank you. Here are my thoughts, for what they are (or are not) worth:

    From a family member's point of view: I started really paying attention to cancer in 1998 when my sister was diagnosed with bc. She was a survivor for 6 years, with a lot of treatments and a wide range of side effects from each different one. For me it was hard to continue to see my strong, independent sister continue to need more help, but I just had to remember that it was much harder for her to need the help than it was for us to need to give it, if that makes sense. Part of the difficulty was fear of the unknown...what was going to happen next, how long was it going to go on, would the next treatment be the one that did the trick....

    Now it is my turn to have bc. I am blessed to be having mild side effects from chemo, no complications from surgery, and (so far) no problems with radiation (Only 2 weeks, this could change). I do see myself as the same person, but changed. It is like AA's claim: once an alchoholic, always and alchoholic, even if you are sober for 50 years. I think of myself as a cancer survivor from the day I was diagnosed (or even before, because I knew what the tumor was before they told me) until the day God takes me to heaven, whether I ever need more treatments or not. Therefore I think others who are not survivors cannot and will not ever totally "get it". Nonetheless, I have cancer, but I am not cancer (there is more to me than cancer). As long as I am able, I do not intend to let cancer become the dominant theme in my life, or the life of my family. Right now, it is easy to say and do that, because I am not feeling bad. I have an Aunt dying from ovarian cancer, and a friend who has been struggling for over a year with a recurrence of bc that has spread to major organs...she is having major chemo and surgeries with complications...cancer is unavoidably a major part of her life, yet she continues to pray for me and ask how I am doing when I call or see her (very humbling experience, I hope to be as selfless if and when I am ever in a similar position).

    I think you are right to continue to talk to those you care about/who care about you about whatever you are concerned about. Maybe letting them know what they can do to help you or get involved in reaching for a cure would help. I think part of what seems like apathy can be not knowing what to do.

    Anyway, thanks for waking up my brain this morning, hope some of my rambling was useful.

    seof
  • 3cbrca
    3cbrca Member Posts: 206
    #4
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    Hi Heather

    I'm not so concerned about family and friends - each individual - family, friend, coworkers - all need to deal with it in their own way and if they haven't yet, you may want to steer them to their own support networks. Seof mentioned the AA analogy - the others may need the cancer version on Al Anon for families and friends.

    I have found that cancer has gotten old for me. For awhile I was suffering severe physician fatigue. Now I am suffering ME fatigue. I am so sick of being focused on myself. I seem to be getting busier and busier. Maybe that's running away from cancer but I think that's okay to do once in awhile and it may have the added benefit of alleviating the drag of cancer on my family and friends.

    This is a great place to vent. ... keep it up.
  • kbc4869
    kbc4869 Member Posts: 159
    #5
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    Hi Heather,

    Maybe I'm way off base (or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed), but aren't you just a few weeks out of surgery and about to start treatment? Kind of early in the process for family and friends to be thinking that it's getting "old", isn't it? Hate to tell them, but the journey's just starting . . . and they should be rallying around you now. I'm sure this isn't a contructive answer, but I'd be pissed. They need to know how important it is that they provide complete and open communication and support now.

    Best to you,

    Kim
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #6
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    Hi Sweetie! Welcome to Vent Central! We have lots of posts similar in nature to yours; I posted one myself not too very long ago.

    I have dubbed those on the outside of cancer "Muggles"~ as in the Family members/Friends of the non-Wizards in the Harry Potter series. It didn't make them enemies of one another ( well, sometimes it did!),but it did make them "different"~ and all the explaining didn't create a meeting of the minds.

    There are more inticacies and personality glitches than you have ever imagined when it comes to Cancer~ and the reasons people act/react the way they do are myriad! Some are afraid it may be contagious, and by ignorning it, they will remain untouched, some are angered that it happened in their lives ( even by familiar association) and react accordingly. Some are afraid you are going to die....and they don't know where to put that feeling. And, some just want you to "Get Over It"~ be treated, and be the woman you were before! And, there are variables of this at every turn.

    You didn't ask for cancer, and now you are doing your utmost to remain a strong, vibrant, healthy WOMAN...who is a Survivor!

    One of my now favorite phrases is from the movie The Great Debaters: "We do what we HAVE to do, so we can do what we WANT to do".

    Live those words, they are powerful, indeed!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • cabbott
    cabbott Member Posts: 1,039 Member
    #7
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    My husband also wants a life free of cancer. I'm the one who has it and boy would I like that too! But his way of coping is to not talk about it. It really upset him when I talked about it. I finally had a talk with him about his feelings and realized that we both needed different things. He agreed to let me have time to meet with others on-line and in town for cancer support. I agreed not to make my health the center of conversation the majority of the time.He's supportive to a point. He just couldn't handle it all. Whether that is right or wrong of him is not the point. I would LIKE more support at times, but it is too frustrating to expect it of him when he just doesn't have it in him. So I branched out some to find the support I needed and I think that helped us all.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #8
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    Great post and discussion. Okay, here's my thought and its a little weird. I certainly do need the emotional support and empathy from my family to make it through difficult times. But, beyond that, in a weird way, I find C interesting. I want to talk about it because it is happening to me and because I have learned so much. I would not have been in the least bit interersted in discussing c before, but now it is like shop talk. And like shop talk, only those in the shop care. Like when I come home and tell my husband something like "at the meeting, a coworker tried to take credit for my great idea blah blah blah" and his eyes glaze over. So I come here and talk cancer. Or when I meet another survivor, say in rad. waiting room, we chat. And it is almost funny. Lines that you will all recognize like "I have two out of six positive, and you?"
    Anyway, thank you to everyone who listens to me (and if your eyes are glazing over, use the scroll down bar). We all seem to be in this together. And I love listening to what everyone has to say or vent. And, Heather, I know what struggle feels like, and I am with you, as are we all, supporting you, and hopefully, giving you some of the missing pieces your family can not. Best wishes! Love, Joyce
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #9
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    Heather, I can really relate to your post. I am 2 yrs post chemo and rads. but still think and worry about cancer and the 'what ifs.....'. I definitely get the vibe that family and friends have tired of hearing about cancer. Having a life-threatening disease especially one as horrific as cancer is life-changing and they don't get that. I still have my days when something gets me worrying about the future. My Aunt died of BC and suffered terribly in the weeks before her death. I miss her very much. She was very special. Her death also makes me wonder if perhaps my cancer will return as hers did. Others cannot possibly understand that one can't simply eliminate these thoughts. Like Joyce, I too am facinated with cancer and how it works. It is at the same time frightening and interesting. So I read about it, google it, and watch tv programs about it. This is annoying to my family I think. So thank God for this site and my wonderful chat buddies and my support group. We all understand that this enemy has entered our lives and will never really leave completely. We must try and have a positive attitude, make peace with it and co-exist. You are starting your battle and you will have days when you need to talk and be comforted and that is natural. Your family and friends should and will be there for you and when they can't, we will be here for you whenever you need us! Hang in there, and be good to yourself. Eil
  • hward2007
    hward2007 Member Posts: 62
    #10
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    Thank's everyone, I get a little crazy pre-chemo week and then just crazy from Chemo,nulast,expansion of my breast and the drugs they give me to counter act the other drugs. I did do my 4 rounds of A/C before my bilateral masctomy with reconstruction. Last week they couldn't expand my chest because of nerve sensitivity and the pain from surgury. Now I get the pleasure of going Wed. the 7th (I think) and 7:45am expansion at PS office then over for a meeting with my Oncoligist and some time between 9am and 11am start 4hr infusion of Taxol with varous other drugs to keep me from yacking all over the office. After that the next day I go back for the bone shot (Neulasta) and a week later we start it all over again...Fun Fun. Opps I vented again..Well I will be praying and thinking about each and everone of you from now til forever.
    Heather
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #11
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    Hi Heather:
    Reading your posting, made me reflect on some of my own experiences with family and friends and how each reacted differently to my situation. I guess it is hard for them to understand exactly how we feel, our fears and trepidations. That's why this site has become so important to me. Here I feel that I can say anything or ask for advice and all my fellow sisters will help me out. We are here for you Heather, and anytime you want to vent we are here to listen. God Bless, Lili
  • abeagles2
    abeagles2 Member Posts: 2
    #12
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    Heather,
    I understand how you are feeling. Everyone I know has been truly great and very supportive. But I have also had a different experience. I am 34 and found out recently that I had BC. I had a lumpectomy with clear nodes. The tumor was small, so I don't have to do chemo. I will have to do hormone therapy and radiation, though. Because of that, it seems that some people in my life feel that my experience is not as serious and that I should feel lucky. I do feel lucky sometimes, but I feel sad, scared, and angry sometimes as well. I don't feel that I should be compared to anyone else going through all of this. It's all overwhelming, no matter what. Yes, someone in chemo is going through more pain than me. But right now I'm dealing with the fact that I have no kids and probably won't ever have any due to my treatments. So, if I don't do chemo and don't lose my hair, does that mean I'm not truly a cancer survivor and, therefore, have the same feelings as "regular" cancer patients? It's very frustrating.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #13
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    abeagles2 said:

    Heather,
    I understand how you are feeling. Everyone I know has been truly great and very supportive. But I have also had a different experience. I am 34 and found out recently that I had BC. I had a lumpectomy with clear nodes. The tumor was small, so I don't have to do chemo. I will have to do hormone therapy and radiation, though. Because of that, it seems that some people in my life feel that my experience is not as serious and that I should feel lucky. I do feel lucky sometimes, but I feel sad, scared, and angry sometimes as well. I don't feel that I should be compared to anyone else going through all of this. It's all overwhelming, no matter what. Yes, someone in chemo is going through more pain than me. But right now I'm dealing with the fact that I have no kids and probably won't ever have any due to my treatments. So, if I don't do chemo and don't lose my hair, does that mean I'm not truly a cancer survivor and, therefore, have the same feelings as "regular" cancer patients? It's very frustrating.

    You are indeed a TRUE survivor~ a full -fledged member of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Mammograms. Those of us in here wish we had your dx and treatment plan, for sure! We are not jealous of you ( well, maybe a little! but in a GOOD way)but we rejoice in your good fortune in a sea of "what could have beens".

    You are the Poster Child for early detection! Your clear margins, no node involvment , no chemo are just wonderful, and we know how happy you were to hear that news. It does not diminish the fear you went through, and the support you still need, and the life-changing decisions you have had to make.

    So, we welcome you aboard; no doubt you have already come to know just what an insighful, intelligent, and humorous group kick-**** survivors we are!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • poppa
    poppa Member Posts: 10
    #14
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    chenheart said:

    You are indeed a TRUE survivor~ a full -fledged member of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Mammograms. Those of us in here wish we had your dx and treatment plan, for sure! We are not jealous of you ( well, maybe a little! but in a GOOD way)but we rejoice in your good fortune in a sea of "what could have beens".

    You are the Poster Child for early detection! Your clear margins, no node involvment , no chemo are just wonderful, and we know how happy you were to hear that news. It does not diminish the fear you went through, and the support you still need, and the life-changing decisions you have had to make.

    So, we welcome you aboard; no doubt you have already come to know just what an insighful, intelligent, and humorous group kick-**** survivors we are!

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    I was diagnosed 1 day before my 45 birthday. I was lucky tumor was less 2cm but I opted for a bilateral with reconstruction. They used muscle and skin from my back. No chemo but due to atypical cells from other breast dr said hormonal therapy needed. I know I am lucky but darn its still hard. My upper body feels like it is in a cast making everything tight. My family (who don't live near) was there for surgery and have since gone home. I do hear from them but its always, your strong you can do anything and you don't need help. Well just to vent, yes I do...Its hard to sit and cry when there are others very much worse. It makes me feel guilty. Thanks for letting me type it out :)
    Stacy
  • lfly
    lfly Member Posts: 50
    #15
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    Hello hward,
    My first diagnosis was in '01 the next in '06 and again in '07. I'll be 40 this year. 2 yrs ago i felt that same way but today it's just a part of me. It's what i do, a piece of my life everyday. Just take a pill now and later and then later. Then i take a scan of some kind whenever ordered. Sometimes it takes most of a day or all day. It was then, 2yrs ago, i heard someone tell someone else to grow where they are planted. I was planted there,for some reason yet obscure,maybe to help someone else. When i see someone going through this for the first time or maybe struggling i ask if i can help. It quit feeling old when i started helping others. Sometimes just listening or holding their hand or giving them a hug. I see alot of people, just as you most certainly do, every time i go to the doctor,hospital or even shopping that are going through something i have and i never fail to feel even better after sharing a little experience,strength and hope. Hang in there i'm pulling for you.

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