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not doing good

alta29's picture
alta29
Posts: 435
Joined: Mar 2005

I am MAD, depressed, sad, lost...do not know what to believe...who to believe.. I need to vent..cry...scream....I look around and I have a nice home...but I dont want it...I have a wonderful husband...who;s suffering with me ( with out letting me know )2 good girls ( one told me the other day that I better get better cause she is marrying in 2 years....my mom that when calls always tells me that she has sinus ( and I know that she is been crying ) and my sister ( and best friend) that will post in facebook that she is sad and I know why...an oncologist that even though says that we are going to try to control it I know he doesn't believe it....so what do I have left ??? Prayers ? people would not die of this is prayers could help...so... Did I choose this live ? If I did..there's not much I can do....diet ??? eating raw ? going 100 % alkaline ? You know what I have left... ? A chiropractor that tells me that we can cure ourselfs with the right state of mind....At least someone is giving me hope.....At the same time I am reading a book that Deepak Chopra wrote...he tells the same thing.........mind, body , spirit ? Maybe if I get hipnoyize I would believe it and then I will get cured...I know... I am not making a lot of sense..now I have to ask God to forgive me....but maybe I am right...is not just prayers....it has to be something else...I have an appt with him tomorrow....a 1 on 1 appt. Sorry....needed to cry a little bit.....need words of wisdom.....this is so hard and I am not thinking right....My face looks TERRIBLE because of erbitux and don't ask me why but I am losing my hair...( Dr. told me that I was not suppose to )Well , thanks for listening..I will pray for a cure tonite so we can ALL take our lives back...

Faith4Cure
Posts: 405
Joined: Mar 2007

I am so sorry that you are feeling so rotten tonight. Yes, this disease really sucks! It sucks for the patient and it sucks for everyone that cares for the patient. I wish that I could wave a wand and make all of this misery go away.

You have every right to be mad and depressed. Cry and scream. I pray that after that, you can see things in a more positive way again. Everyone needs a good cry every now and then. Try to pick yourself up again and concentrate on being positive. Concentrate on that wedding that you will be going to in two years!

I am praying for all of you. There is so much hope.....believe in it.

Faith

vinny3's picture
vinny3
Posts: 933
Joined: Jun 2006

Hang in there Alta. You have a right to feel the way you are. Plus the effects of the chemo don't help. You know that God forgives all of us. He is holding your hand through this. You wil get better. Eat as many fruits and veggies as you can. Have you been able to look at any more clinical trials? You may even look at going to one of the other cancer centers. Sometimes a different approach can help. Please don't give up. As long as we breathe we can hope.

Dick

kristasplace's picture
kristasplace
Posts: 956
Joined: Oct 2007

Oh, Alta...It must be the moon, or the way the planets are aligned. I have been feeling so much like you are. Three nights ago i told my boyfriend that i couldn't handle it anymore, and was going to give up. The stress, the pain, the loss of quality of life has been too much for me. If i get up in the morning and tell myself i'm going to at least get the laundry done today, by the time i put one load in, i'm too exhausted, and too much in pain to do anything else most of the day, and the cycle continues until my back and hips ache, and i'm on the toilet every three minutes in agony. I wonder if all of this suffering will really end positively? I feel alone, and cry constantly. I wanted three days ago to post on here just like you did, and let it all out. Thank you for having the courage to do it because as badly as you feel, you're NOT giving up! I can't give up either. I'm trying things like you are now. Eating better, reading spiritual books, and my aunt got me "The Secret" audio CD's she swears will get me through this. I saw the DVD, and it is simply awesome. Of course the philosophies require a great deal of discipline, hence the CD's, where you can listen to them all the time, and practice the techniques.

I feel much better now than i did three days ago, but i am finding every day to be a struggle. I guess what's frustrating is that i don't feel like i'm getting better. I am four weeks out of preadjuvant chemoradiation, and i'm just as cancer symptomatic now as i was before treatment began. Sometimes i think i'm even worse than before. Especially with the depression. So many other challenges have popped up since my diagnosis though.

Anyway, hang in there, Alta, and know that i'm with you, crying, screaming, and generally feeling like horse **** most of the time.

Many hugs,
Krista

jsabol's picture
jsabol
Posts: 1156
Joined: Dec 2003

Dear ((((((Alta)))))) and ((((((Krista))))))),
My heart and prayers go out to both of you, and to all of us who are in this fight. As a cancer survivor, I know some dark moments when the fear and discouragement rose above all. I heard a talk here in Boston by an oncologist, Jerome Groopman, who wrote "The Anatomy of Hope". His thinking was that, as an oncologist, his first job was to help his patients know that he would stand by them through this fight. I hope you continue to draw strength from within yourselves and from those in your life. As a nurse, I have seen how much senseless (to me) pain and suffering people have to endure. I don't know the "why", but I hold you and them in my thoughts for a better tomorrow. We are all standing with you, and behind you; I wish I could offer more.
Judy

Moesimo's picture
Moesimo
Posts: 1080
Joined: Aug 2003

To alta and Krista,Hang in there, it does get better. I remember feeling so miserable and wondering how I could go on. I had been a nurse for 25 years when diagnosed and had no idea what patients went through.

You will get through this. Sometimes I took it hour by hour and even minute by minute. I remember thinking I am not even getting out of bed today. That didnt last very long because i spent so much time in the bathroom.

Keep us posted.

Maureen

kmygil
Posts: 881
Joined: Feb 2007

Dear Alta and Krista,
I am so sorry you are going through this. None of us asked for this, and that's what makes it so hard. You are definitely allowed to have these feelings of anger, sadness and loss. Yes, you are also grieving for the life you once led, but now have to lead a different one for a time. Do vent; it's healthy. Then think about getting better. We are all praying for you and sending positive energy your way.
Hugs,
Kirsten

betina61's picture
betina61
Posts: 644
Joined: Aug 2006

Very sad to read both your posts Alta and Krista,I wish I could have the magic words to brighten your day a little bit,Alta don't give up on God,you have to believe from the bottom of your heart that he will cure you,better days will come, have faith.

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Oh, my dear sweet spirit....I wish I had the answers, but I don't. It's not within my power to know. I had many a night that I felt exactly like you...and 'will it EVER stop?' was yelled at the top of my voice....

I was a lucky one...striking back both of my cancers on the first round...so the only point of reference I have is during my chemo for the second one, laying on the couch, curled in a ball,sobbing that "I just can't do this anymore". It was at these moments that I (being a believer in God, but not an active church goer...) said "I need some help, I can't go on, I just don't want to..". I was surprised to feel a calmness fall over me, and I was able to sleep. I did this each treatment (after all, I didn't want to 'bother' the man!) when things got too tough, and it was always the same...the peace, the calm. Like someone had taken me in their arms and was comforting me.

Practically, in between these times...well, I wasn't hard on myself, let myself 'sin' whenever I wanted...ate Ice Cream, cake, whatever made me feel good. Watched MASH on TV. Laughed at funny movies. Took things, truly, a minute at a time.

These are what I did...no magic...I don't have the answer...I am sending my big, warm hugs to you...can you feel my arms around you?

Hugs, Kathi

sandyjg
Posts: 71
Joined: Jun 2006

My thoughts and prayers are with you, I am the wife of a cancer patient, not the patient, but I too sometimes feel so overwhelmed with grief I do not know if I can stand it. I can only say what our surgeon told us, we can either focus on life or focus on death, try and surround yourself with positive people, watch happy movies, listen to comedians, use every medical provider available to help manage your disease. Don't beat yourself up, how could you not have days like these. I pray for all of us affected by cancer.

Limey's picture
Limey
Posts: 447
Joined: Mar 2004

alta, I can certainly relate to your frustration. each day is a new challange and more often now I am asking, isint this enough. But.... I know that the cure is only one day away. just one day. I am praying that day is tomorrow. See if I look at it that way. well I can make it one more day.

jenalynet's picture
jenalynet
Posts: 363
Joined: Nov 2005

Alta,
You are not alone in your journey and I keep everyone of us fighting this disease in my thoughts and prayers. Big warm hugs to you. Audrey.

goldfinch's picture
goldfinch
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

Alta and Krista,
Sending you rainbows of hope. Alta, I've heard that if you get the rash from the erbitux it means it's wowrking so hold on to that. I never got the rash and it never worked for me.
Mary

crg123's picture
crg123
Posts: 80
Joined: Mar 2007

Alta:
Thank you for verbalizing what all of us have felt. It's healthy to just "let it out" sometimes. This board is a GREAT place to do it.
I agree with Faith.....focus on that wedding! Keep looking ahead. A daily dose of "The Survivor Movie" kept me going.
www.TheSurvivorMovie.com
Hugs, and God Bless.
Cheryl

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1729
Joined: Nov 2001

G'day alta and Krista,
I'm sorry I can't give you any advice. I have beaten this crappy disease. But I don't know how or why. I'm not fit ,I'm not healthy,I'm not religious. I don't take anything out of the ordinary .I eat well but not fanatically. I don't drink or smoke. I certainly do not consider myself very lucky in anything other than that I am cured of cancer. My cure was not achieved with modern wonder drugs , instead it was a very old regime of 5fu and a cattlle drench called levamisole. I had a good surgeon but he certainly was not the best available. The only thought I can give you is that I was prepared to live as long as I possible could and take all the help that I could get in the hope that there would be a breakthru in cancer research. That is still my wish and hope for you and everyone else on this board. My best wishes to you both. Ron.

rmap59
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2007

Hey alta,
Boy have I been there and still am sometimes. I think its great that you get it all out. This is the place, cause most everyone has felt similar to what you feel. I dont know the answers except I find that the closer I try to stay to God the better. KathiM made the comment of praying and really feeling the calmness and I have experienced that also. One day at a time sweet Jesus, thats how I am getting through. We have to make a chose everyday to either feel like you do today or try and dig deep down to push forward with attitude. It is a constant battle but one you are going to win.

Prayers to you, Robin

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