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Destiny or not ?

alta29's picture
alta29
Posts: 435
Joined: Mar 2005

Since last Monday ( heard the "is back again" sentence ) i have been reaserching every single method, cure, etc that you can imagine....Like must of you know I believe ( or did ? ) in meditation, visualization, prayers etc, Cahnged my diet to NO red meat at all, barely any sugar , lots of fruits and vitamins and some vegetables...Well, the cancer is back....for some, they may say, " You stop the meditations" or "you didn't stop the sugar 100 % " etc...but where do we really draw the line ? Is it really that our bodies react different ? For some the chemo will work, for some it wont ? For some a diet will work, for some it wont...Believe me...I WONT GIVE UP.....but, sometimes I get sooo mad reading so many different stories of "success" knowing that they are all lies...I am reading a book from Deepak Chopra..he mentions Dr.Simonton. He has a ranch in California and he charges almost 2000.00 dollars for a week stay. In the mid 80's thay asked him to give a report of his findings ...he said that he was working on a report with all the details...its been more than 20 years and they are still waiting for it. Is it a combination of all things ( diet, mind, energy, spirit, prayer, Dr, etc ? The reason why I am taking all these feelings out of my chest, is because I don't know what to believe anymore.....But again I am NOT giving up hope....I started an organic diet 3 days ago...I have an appointment with a Naturologist on Tuesday...We had a really nice talk last Thursday and he explained to me that Cancer has to do a lot with energy and nerves and a bunch of other things....He really inspired some relief....and I am going to start a treatment on Tuesday.....why am I saying all this ? Because I am going to be my own rat experiment. I will be a rat for a while...i will follow every step all the way....and if it doesn't work...then I will have to believe in destiny...I didn't want to because, then...Why do we pray ??? Doesn't make any sense right ? If things are written..we can't change the course of our lives....but God says Ask and it will be given....but why is not given all the time ? O...Life is so complex.....For all the oldies here and know you have walked in my shoes, for all the newbies, please dont take this in a wrong way..I have been fighting the disease doe 3 years and I am still here...I don't see myself sick the rest of my life.....and I am going to fight it till I am 70....by then we will have a cure....
God bless and thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent out....I feel better now...

goldfinch's picture
goldfinch
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

Oh, I so understand where you are coming from. It does seem like we try everything. If it works for others, why not us, for criminey sake?
But, after the venting (which is always a good thing) we get back to the fight, just as you are, you fighter!
Mary

hopefulone
Posts: 1048
Joined: Jan 2007

I don't know why some things "work" for some and not for others, but I do know that when one person wins we all win in a small way because it gives us hope and the renewed faith to continue. If you lose hope, you can't fight, and if you don't fight , you can't win. You are definately a fighter Alta and there is always hope and you are so right not to give that up! God did say "ask and it shall be given" but If it were that simple, there would be no sickness, no poverty, no evil in the world. There is more to it which we as humans will never understand. He also asks us to pray "thy will be done". I believe "Destiny" can be changed if it's God's will. I wish you much success with your treatment on tuesday. Keeping you in my prayers, God Bless
Diane

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Maybe you are too young to remember, but there was a very popular song years ago....

"You don't always get what you want....you get what you need"....

I said the same thing you are asking to a minister friend after news of my second cancer dx...he said "It is what it is. This is a part of your living experience. There is no more to it, other than to have faith that your journey is being watched, and it will turn out the way it is supposed to".

I thought ewww, hollow words....but for whatever the reason, these thoughts have gotten me thru all of my sadness since then....the death of my ex-hubby and my daughter....

Venting? OF COURSE you can, and YOU SHOULD!!!! Anger is part of our makeup....I used to throw pillows...my friend threw ashtrays (against a wall, mind you).

Hugs, Kathi

dash4
Posts: 304
Joined: Dec 2005

You have verbalized what has run through my mind many times... I am the caregiver and when my husband looks to me and says "how do we fix this"? I feel responsible for his healing by asking all the right questions- it is an exhausting responsibility... I wonder why it works for some and then not for others. I wonder if the choices we make matter in the long run..I know they do, but I still think about it too. My husband has also been fighting for over 3 years and some days I am tired and feel guilty because he is the one going through all the chemo. and I wonder if I am missing something that could be the difference for him. This board has been a wealth of info that I am grateful for in our search for answers. Thanks for sharing your frustrations because you are not alone...
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....
Mary Kay

robinvan's picture
robinvan
Posts: 1014
Joined: May 2007

Hi Alta...
I just popped on the site and read about your recurrence. I'm so sorry to hear it. I hope your integrated approach works out for you.
I can relate to much of what you are wrestling with in your note. Thank you for naming so many of the questions we all live with. I've been at this with stage 4 for 3-years too. I've had one recurrence so far and don't know how I would respond to another one. Don't beat yourself up about what you might have done differntly... it winds up being a lot of second-guessing. You've been taking a pro-active role in your treatment and working with a good mix of conventional and alternative approaches. Sounds like you're sticking with that approach which is really the best you can do.
I don't know if any of the "Why" questions in these situations ever get a satisfactory answer. (which probably sounds like a totally UNsatisfactory answer!!) I always find the more helpful questions to be... "How do I move on from here?" "What do I need for this next stage of the journey?" "Where can I get the resources I need?" "What decisions or choices can I make now that can have a positive effect on the outcome?"
We do make choices and decisions every day that change our destinies. This is especially true in cancer care. Many of us would not be here today if we had not made choices to get second opinions or to pursue certain treatment options. But none of those choices or decisions can change the fact that we carry this precious gift of life in clay vessels. The human body is an awesome miracle of matter, energy, and spirit with an incredible capacity to heal and endure. Yet even at that we are vulnerable and finite, and subject to the limits and vagaries of nature. And sometimes it seems so %#@ random!!
Why do we pray??? We pray to find spiritual connection with God and others who love and care for us. We pray to find peace, hope, and courage in the midst of our trials and struggles. We pray to express our intentions towards healing and to focus our attention on what's important. We pray to remember our friends and others in need. We pray to give voice to anguish and pain. We pray for the grace to let go and let be, when that is what we need. We pray to give thanks for the simple gifts we receive each day. And sometimes... sometimes we pray just to know that we are not alone. To know that God is with us... in life, in death, and in life after death.
Thinking of you this week and wishing you strength and grace for the journey ahead.
Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver.
"You may have to fight a battle more than once (or twice) to win it." Margaret Thatcher

alta29's picture
alta29
Posts: 435
Joined: Mar 2005

thank you all so much for your words....Robin, I will try soooo hard to win this second battle. I am very scared I have to do it for myself, my daugthers, my husband and my mom....and for all of us !

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