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Mary from WI - just asking WHY?

marym29
Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2006

Hello Online Family,
I hope each and every one of you are safe, happy, and doing well today and always! ; )

I guess I am having a "sad day" today. As many of you already know; my mom passed away on 9/17/07. And I almost feel like her death hasn't even "hit me" yet... sound weird?

My husband and I are expecting out first baby 2/26/08. My mom was SO excited about this news being that I am her only daughter and all.

Today (and always; for that matter), I just wish she could have been here to see me have a baby. I mean, I know she is in heaven looking down on me and the baby everyday; and in my heart and soul I know everything will go smoothly with this pregnnancy because both God and my mom are looking down and protecting the both of us.

But WHY-WHY-WHY is it that SO many of the Stage IV's on this website are beating or have beat this beast and my mom couldn't? WHY do the treatments work for some people and not for others?

As you can all see; I'm having a MAD DAY today! I'm mad at this disease and MAD that I know the questions I have can't be answered so...

I guess I just needed to "vent", ya know? So, thanks for letting me do that here!

I'm sure many, many of you can relate to my frustration today. It goes in spirts; but today it's hightened so...

Thanks again for listening, the kind words, and thoughts always!

Mary from WI

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

After all is said and done..."Because." Period.

I had the same mad and wondering after losing a 35 year old patient partner to brain cancer. I looked at myself, having had my family, and 50 odd years of my life to enjoy, and got mad that this beautiful young man had just started his (he was married 6 months before he died, and was convinced he was going to 'make it').

You are probably sick of hearing this...but, it's gotten me thru the death of my ex-hubby, the death of my daughter, and the rapid aging of my mom:

Each of us has a list of things to do in our lives. We don't know what is on the list, or where we are on our list. When our list is done, we are done and we go on...to where? Not our concern....

Your mom has a special place in your heart, and when her grandchild is born, it will be your job to share your mom with your newborn.

So, the answer to Why? is simple. Mom was finished with her list, others here are not...me, included. (I was supposed to died over 2 years ago....) I am, in a wierd way, envious of people that get to go on (No, do NOT worry...I know I have more to do), because there is so much bad going for me right now, that I would LOVE the rest!!!

Hugs, Kathi

P.S. Find out if mom's treatment center has a grief seminar. I attended one after this young man's passing, and it was a great help to me. At the beginning, we each tied a balloon with our loved one's name to our wrist. At the end of the talk, we went outside and released our balloons. I visualized that with my daughter. It REALLY helped....

mwomack
Posts: 78
Joined: Jan 2005

I am not very good with words, but I want you to know that I am so sorry you are hurting and I care.

I know it is hard not to ask Why? I have done it so many times, but there are no answers. I really do understand the thoughts though. While happy for anyone that conquers the beast, it is sometimes hard to understand why your loved one can't join the club.

The best answer that I have found is:

"Farther along we'll know more about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up, my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by."

Congratulations on the new baby.

MA

vinny3's picture
vinny3
Posts: 933
Joined: Jun 2006

I'm so sorry you have to hurt. We don't know why things happen that way, it takes a higher power to know. One life ends as another begins. I'm sure your mother will be that beautiful baby's guardian angel.

Dick

mrsriderman
Posts: 48
Joined: Aug 2007

hello mary
i too lost my mom when she was 37 and i was 20. my little bro was just 14. mom smoked and lung cancer took her in 1989.she too never there for her grand childerns birth or our weddings. but she was there-- in our hearts and minds.

so its been about 19 yrs and the only thing i can really tell you for sure, moms are always missed. yeah, it gets easier with passage of time, but thats about it.

i believe mom is always looking in on us. And like i told my bro before his 1st was born and we were missing her. mom is getting to know her grandchildern before we do.

so your mom is up there with your baby having a great time until it is your turn. i believe that.

i hope this helps

praying for you lisa r

rmap59
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2007

Dear Mary,
I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. I hope you will find comfort in your God and family. Unfortunatly, the questions you ask cannot be answered on Earth. I am thrilled about the baby cause you can tell her all about your Mom and the memories you made, that will be your healing.
God Bless You and your family.
Your Friend, Robin

alta29's picture
alta29
Posts: 435
Joined: Mar 2005

I'm so sorry that you are goint thrue this...That's why I am fighting it , because I don't want my daugthers to go through it...it just kills me...Oh, God...we would love to know why....I ask myself those questions....did they give up ? was it the chemo ? the faith ? the prayers ? the diet ? We want to know because we don't want to do or want do the same...Is it written up there ? Can we really fight it ? Is our mind really so powerful ? Or is it just what Kathy said....when we are done...we just leave...
Yeah...I know...now I am venting it out...
God bless you and your family.....You will hear her...feel her....Believe

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

I must share, that I didn't mean that we shouldn't fight hard, hard, hard....I just meant that it is beyond our control if after all the fighting, all the whatever, it works out. We don't have the answers...otherwise, my daughter would still be living....

Kathi

kangatoo's picture
kangatoo
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Well said Kathi....I try to believe that those taken from us were taken for a reason....a purpose much greater than we can ever imagine. That those who survive are here to complete the "list".....but also to make use of that extra time to acomplish some great feat also, no matter how large or small.
......that could just be doing our neighbour a good turn.....
Mary, I ask the same question...why?
Mum died from cancer on her 70th birthday...that really begs the question.
Dad died when I was only 13....was there some greater need for him elsewhere other than the need of his son?
I still ask them in my prayers....I don't get an answer but am sure, no, I believe that they had much greater tasks to accomplish, at least I hope so!
Ross n Jen

mindy10
Posts: 183
Joined: Jul 2005

Mary the just sent you an email on this site. Mindy

apache4's picture
apache4
Posts: 272
Joined: Jul 2007

Hi, Mary,
I know your Mother's passing is a very traumatic time for you. Like someone else said, it does get a little better in time, but that is hard to see only a month away from her passing.
Everyone is entitled to "sad days" so just accept it as a normal event as it is. Have faith that she is an angel on your shoulder and will be with you now and for always.
Life is just not fair sometimes. I ask "why?" daily as I think of parents with sick and dying children that they love so much and then there are those parents who abuse their children. What's with that? Also, in a similar thought, a couple who are so happy and one of them passes while their are so many divorces.
I think we do each have our "time frame" to live. With my NED, a close friend said that "it just wasn't your time yet". It is better to not know when our time is up, otherwise it would be diffcult to live.
A suggestion might be, to put together an album of photos, etc. of your Mom with the intention of sharing this special project with your little one when they are old enough.
Your Mom will be pleased to see you come through this grieving period. My darkest thoughts before the NED was not seeing my grandchildren and the grief I knew my family would have. We are happy for now and we will take one day at a time. I am sure your Mom appreciated all you did for her and all your positive thoughts. None of us can answer "why?" and I wonder "why me" for my NED right now.
Sorry this rambles a bit.
My thoughts will be with you...
Linda

hopefulone
Posts: 1048
Joined: Jan 2007

Mary, hugs and then more hugs. I think Kathi said it best. All I can add is only God knows the why. Someday we will all know, but until that day comes , I guess we have to accept that there is a reason we as humans, just cannot understand. The world is full of "why's". Heaven isn't. God bless you and your family. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Diane

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