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Feel like giving up

FRANTIC
Posts: 106
Joined: Nov 2004

Hi everyone. I started radiation to the skull. I ahd 5 treatments and 10 more to go. I meet with my oncoligist tomorrow to get blood work and talk about treatment. I am so tired between my chronic back pain and the tumor in the skull which throbs 24/7 I don't think I will be taking this chemo once radiation is completed. This is a non-stop rollercoaster. This is not for me. I am so depressed right now the only thing I do like to do is head for work. I will do that but I don't think for long. I cannot fight this beast anymore. Your friend FRan

Glv49
Posts: 206
Joined: May 2005

Dear Fran,

I know you are in such pain, and feel like giving up.. but you can't!! See your oncologist tomorrow.. and plan for your treatments and take them.. please try to keep a positive attitude and a fighting one.. you have to. Remember my friend that I told you about 21 years ago, they told him to get his affairs in order he only had two months to live. Well he didn't give up... or give in.. and needless to say, he has had a tough road with the beast rearing its ugly head several times... but ... he is still here, and is still fighting... you have to try to remember that.. and please don't give up.. I am praying that God will give you the strength... just put it in his hands.. he is good.. and all you need to do is trust in Him.

Your friend in PA
Gail

taunya's picture
taunya
Posts: 392
Joined: Jul 2002

Hi Fran,
I am so sorry that you are having such a terrible time. It is truly a fight with a beast. I hope that your doc will be able to offer some comfort as you proceed through your treatment. Please ask the doc if anything can be done to alleviate some of the pain at least to help you get your strength back.
There are alternatives out there as well. Scouty is a good person to talk to about that.
I am sending a great big, soft hug and kind thoughts to you.
Let us know how things are going.
Sincerely,
Taunya

alta29's picture
alta29
Posts: 435
Joined: Mar 2005

I remember saying the same thing after my second surgery...I told my husband,that I would not do it any more....the pain, the thoughts, etc....after the pain was gone I told him that I was sorry...I will keep on fighting...now I am NED...don't give up, please....BELIEVE..
God Bless

StacyGleaso's picture
StacyGleaso
Posts: 1250
Joined: Mar 2003

Fran,

I know it seems like it's easy to just say, "Don't worry, it'll be ok" when at times, it does seem very overwhelming. It just seems unfair. If I was in your position, I would seek some solid professional guidance to get you through this. Just look, you are one third done with your radiation treatments. That is HUGE! I am heading off to a family reunion so will be MIA for awhile. I will be in California at a place called Wellesley Park....now watch, I will have beaten cancer but will end up with West Nile from mosquitos! THAT is MY luck! I don't even know exactly where this place even is located, DOUBLE FUN~~NOT!

So try to keep the faith. You too will get back to life once you overcome this setback. My heart and prayers go out to you during this rough and challenging time.

Hugs,

Stacy

Hanac
Posts: 55
Joined: May 2007

Dear Fran,

I know how you feel, but please don't give up. You are amazing. I didn't work while going through treatment. I totally babied myself...reading good books...reading this site... and taking Lots and lots of naps. I think that helped. Every time I was done with a treatment, I would treat myself to some little thing...(And yes I ate like food was going out of style and gained 40 pounds) I told myself to cut myself some slack. You are going to be OK. Just take a breath and hang in there.

Prayers are being sent your way.

God BLess,

Hana

usakat's picture
usakat
Posts: 625
Joined: Jul 2006

A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches. One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight-cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill "I can't; that is too much a pull for me," said the great engine built for hard work. Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses and be refused. At last in desperation the train asked the little switch engine to draw it up the grade and down on the other side. "I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train. As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

Then as it near the top of the grade, that had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly, but still kept saying, "I--think--I--can, I--think--I--can." It reached the top by dint of brave effort and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself, "I thought I could, I thought I could."

To think of hard things and say, "I can't" is sure to mean "Nothing done." To refuse to be daunted and insist on saying, "I think I can," is to make sure of being able to say triumphantly by and by, "I thought I could, I thought I could."
The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper

Fran, massive prayers and good wishes are yours for stamina, strength and conviction in the knowledge that you CAN and will be well again. I'm sorry you're weary in the fight...know that your friends are here for you.

All my best,
Katie

Limey's picture
Limey
Posts: 447
Joined: Mar 2004

Fran, This by far the hardest battle we will ever face in our lifetimes. Fighting for our lives takes alot of energy both physcial and mental. It seems you like your work. I loved mine, it was what I thought kept me going. Until I realized I was running myself down trying to stay on top of my game. THE BEST thing I ever did for myself was to go out on disability for this round of chemo. I am on my fouth time doing a chemo regiment. I don't have any more energy with not working but I do have enough energy for myself and for my family. I feel so much better right now because I am not so absolutly worn out. Is that what you need?

What you are doing is by far a miriacle in itself. Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished and rest when you need to rest. you will get to the other side of this. My 2nd round of chemo was especially horrible. What helped me the most was I made a backwards calendar. once i got over that 1/2 way point, and i was getting closer to week 0, I started getting excited. Although I did not make it the full six months. It got me from month 2 (when i was ready to give up) to month 5. Remember, you never are walking alone. We have walked this path in some form or another and we walk with you today. Keep up the fight
Limey

Betsydoglover's picture
Betsydoglover
Posts: 1256
Joined: Jul 2005

Dear Fran,

Everyone else has been so eloquent that I don’t know how much I can add. But I’d like to ask you to please not give up. I know you have had a terrible battle and this latest setback really sucks (pardon my French), but it is worth keeping on. I understand how you feel about yet another chemo round, but like Katie said, you CAN go from “I think I can” to “I thought I could”. One step at a time.

You “only” have 2 more weeks of radiation to go. In a couple of days you’ll be half-way through. That is a huge milestone. Once you are done with that, the next treatments have a good chance of zapping the rest of this (and hopefully also eliminating the pain).

If you haven’t already, PLEASE tell your oncologist about the pain – he/she may be able to help with that. Nothing depresses more than pain and if the pain can be relieved then it should help you to feel more optimistic. This is – as you say – a roller coaster disease, but I am confident that you can improve and be able to step off that roller coaster.

Please know that you have friends here who care about you. Keep coming back. I’ll be thinking of you every day as you get one day closer to being done with the radiation.

Take care,
Betsy

Patrusha
Posts: 488
Joined: Jun 2006

I, too, have nothing to add, Fran except this: know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many this day. I am praying the Lord's peace to descend upon you and help you through this tough, tough time you are in. Hugs.

goldfinch's picture
goldfinch
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

thinking of you. sent you a private message
Mary

apache4's picture
apache4
Posts: 272
Joined: Jul 2007

Dear Fran,
This sucks so bad for you. I must say that I was surprised that you had already completed 5 treatments...that is a true positive. Sometimes I think that chronic back pain is worse then the cancer stuff...I know how that is. It limits you so much even on good days. Are you allowed to take anything for it? Likewise, for the head pain? From your postings, I feel like you have great strength and can beat the beast...the battle is hard, but the rewards are great. Take time to enjoy the little things...like smelling the roses...I agree with others who wonder if maybe you should take a leave at work or how about working part-time? You are in my prayers and thoughts as you explore possibilites to help you get through this. Linda

jerseysue's picture
jerseysue
Posts: 626
Joined: Oct 2005

I know how you feel about the pain I'm still in pain and when the doctors say all your tests are fine I start to cry. I don't know where the pain is coming from I just know it's there and that's why I'm up till 4am every morning. I also think that you should go on disability if your work offers it and if work doesn't offer short or long term disability then go to your social security office and start the paper work think of all the years that you worked and paid into that go get your money. Even though I'm in pain and I will say it isn't 24/7 but it starts at bedtime and goes until about 4am in the morning. I still go for my 3 mile walk and my 30 min curves workout every day. Please please don't give up let them give you a morphine pump if that will help you but please please don't give up. Start screaming to your doctors about the pain and make them give you something that will work. Once you get that taken care of I know you will get the fight back. My prayers are with you.

kbienapfl's picture
kbienapfl
Posts: 61
Joined: Sep 2006

Fran, I feel for you. There are days where we just need to take a break and escape. This might be one of those days for you. Just know, that if I could, I would give you a gentle and caring hug.

There are days that I feel we are all chosen for these challenges so that we can show others what true strength and character is.

Reading from past posts, I know you have it in you. Please take a few deep breaths, acknowledge what you have achieved and know that with our support you will get through this next challenge.

Please communicate your concerns with your doctor. He will know what is best and help ease any concerns you may have.

My heart and prayers are with you.

Kathy

vinny3's picture
vinny3
Posts: 933
Joined: Jun 2006

Dear Fran,

Just getting your reply to my recent post was very encouraging to me. I had been worried about you as I hadn't seen any posts for some time. Hang in there. As long as you breathe there is hope.

Your friend in Minnesota, Dick

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