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want to run away

goldfinch's picture
goldfinch
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

This AM on my way to work, I had an overwhelming desire to run away and just keep driving (preferably toward some beach). I was driving my adorable miata with the sun shining, cool temps. It was marvelous!
Then I realized what I really want is a break from this diagnosis. I am so sick of dealing with it. 4 years now.
I would love to know what it's like not to arrange chemo treatments around side effects and bad blood work and to know what it's like to be able to make plans and not wonder, worry how chemo will affect them. Not to mention..I'd love to be able to live each day with the belief that I will be here still when my daughter meets her husband-to-be, buys her first house, has her first baby (did I mention she's moving to Denver this summer. I live in VT).
I want to know I'll be here when my husband retires. I want to know that I'll make it to St John VI one more time (preferably many more times, since I go once a year).
I 'm just SICK OF IT ALL!
Thanks for letting me vent. My support group doesn't meet for another week and this kind of hit me suddenly this am. Probably doesn't help that it took me 1.5 weeks to bounce back after chemo this time.
Mary

davidsonxx's picture
davidsonxx
Posts: 137
Joined: Mar 2007

Boy do I know that feeling! I think all of us semicolons have felt that way at some point. Just hang in there and know that there is always somebody in this forum to encourage you and support you when things get tough.

For me, it hit when I least expected it - when I stopped treatment. My cancer battle has only been going on for 8 months but I am also the caregiver for a disabled husband. My husband doesn't need much day to day help but I have to manage his health care and all the household finances. For 6 months the only time I got out of the house was to go to the dr for one of us. The chemo made me too sick to work. When I stopped the chemo I thought that it would all be over. I guess it was just wishful thinking because I knew better. I had to force myself to walk into the dr's office building for my first follow up visit. I just wanted the whole thing to be over and here was proof that it wasn't.

I can only imagine how tired you get after 4 years. I'll pray you soon get some relief from the fight and that you'll be given the strength you need to get through the battle.

alta29's picture
alta29
Posts: 435
Joined: Mar 2005

Oh my God...I'm with you....I had my surgery 1 week ago and I know that for now I am NED. But for how long ? You know what ? After reading your post I called my husband I told him to RSVP to a wedding that we where invited in Cozumel...cause that what I need right now....try to run and to forget the word "cancer" for a while. But you know what too? I think I am learning to live with it...last night I was complaining to my husband about the pain, about been tired to watch TV, been in the computer and in bed....soon after I apologize to God and gave him thanks for helping me to still be here....
God bless

crazylady
Posts: 544
Joined: Jun 2004

Hi Mary,
I'm so sorry that you are going through a rough time. I can totally relate. I've wanted to run away and hide ever since I found out about my recurrence. Instead today I get to go for my pre-op appointment. I also know what you mean about wanting to be able to make future plans. The whole thing sucks!!!
Maybe you can take a break and go away for a long weekend. A change of scenery might really help!
Take care,
Jamie

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Mary,

The trouble with running away is that you take 'you' with you...

That said....why not take a 'hooky' day??? I did/have/still do when things get overwhelming. I go to a spa (if I'm cash ok), or just pour myself a lemonade and sit in the grass reading....or watch one of my fav movies like 'Young Frankinstein"....

Grab for the good days...someone just said it to me...."I will probably die from cancer, just not today...." GREAT perspective...

Hugs, Kath

ps....feel free to vent anytime...know that all of us have, many times, so we have all the trappings for a great pity party in stock!!!

usakat's picture
usakat
Posts: 625
Joined: Jul 2006

What was the name on the jar?
Abby someone...
Abbby who?
Abby Normal!!! Yes, that's it! Abby Normal...

Great movie...needed the laugh, think I'll watch it this weekend...

kmygil
Posts: 881
Joined: Feb 2007

I hear you! You brought back some very interesting memories for me. Years ago, before cancer, I had to move to Wisconsin since that was the only place my husband could find a job at the time. Not only did I not want to move, I was not real sure about being married to my husband. One day I decided to go to the mall. When I came to myself, I was halfway through Illinois heading south, and had been driving for 2 hours. That act of unconsciously running away crystalized things for me and I started to fix my life.

I have had a conscious urge to run away since cancer, especially since my latest diganosis, but this time I realize that I would only carry my cancer with me. If only, if only, if only....

Moesimo's picture
Moesimo
Posts: 1080
Joined: Aug 2003

Mary,

I am sending hugs and prayers to you. I wish you did not have to go through all this. I wish that noone has to go through this.

CANCER SUCKS.

Maureen

hopefulone
Posts: 1048
Joined: Jan 2007

Mary, hugs , Since my husband was diagnosed , there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. My heart goes out to all of you . God Bless.
Diane

joyceann619's picture
joyceann619
Posts: 33
Joined: Jul 2004

Hi Mary,
I hear you loud and clear and can relate so closely to that feeling. You sound like you need a little vacation.
Are you able to get away for a quick weekend somewhere that you really like? You may not be feeling like your self from the chemo but I have learned its better feeling lousy in a favorite place, like the beach, than being stuck at home. And you may be surprised at how good you feel in a different place.
We just returned from the OuterBanks and even though I had a treatment two days before I left, I felt great down there.
Find somewhere great to drive to in that miata of yours!

Joyce
Stage 4 CC for 3 years

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