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AWOL for a long time

lfondots63's picture
Posts: 822
Joined: Jan 2006

Hi online family!!!

I've had some things going on in my life that kept me away from here. I now know that I'm sorry I was away because I miss all the support from my online family. I finally just got caught up on posts.

I guess I just want to vent a little. I'm usually the upbeat one but I've been a little down. For all the new "faces", I was dx in Dec. 2005 and had the tumor out on my birthday with the OR team wishing me happy birthday. Guess I won't forget the day of dx? I went through 9/12 of my folfox and stopped for many reasons. I'm doing ok right now. I'm going to my onc today for a checkup and going to mention having a little pain during bowel movements. I might ask for a Cat scan since I haven't had one since dx because colonoscopy was fine and so is my CEA at .7 last check.

I just wanted to say that I see a trend with some of the family that after dx we tend to seperate from our significant others. This has just happened to me after almost 14 years. It is only a "temporary" seperation but how do you put a marriage back together after one person gives up? He is seeing a psych for some issues and this was the result. We have 3 kids together and thank goodness they are 11 and twins 12 so not too young but very confused. I think I saw someone say that after dx some people change because our outlook on life changes. I think this is what happened in my case. I knew we were growing apart but I was willing to try to keep the marriage together. He wasn't. I guess in a way it may be a good thing since we are told to not have negative things around us. He was one of my "negative things". He was never a care giver since I kept myself and my kids going through all the journey and still do. I'm just wondering how many of us out in cyber land have also gone through this? When my kids are a little more stable, I'm thinking of going for some counciling too. Just one of my "down" days I guess because going to the onc and feeling something might be "wrong" again. Keep me in your thoughts and I will update you on what the onc suggests. HUGS to all my family!

Lisa F.

StacyGleaso's picture
Posts: 1249
Joined: Mar 2003

Hey Lis,

I sent you an e-mail to your work e-mail addy. Cancer has a way of weeding out what is useful in your life and what is not.

Peace to you in this rough time,


KathiM's picture
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Aw, Lisa, my dear. Yes, often it's the relationships that are our closest that suffer the most. This 'new normal' for us is downright scary for our sig other...and there are so many, many stages post treatment. The first stage is "to heck with it, I survived! NO one can bring me down" uforia (sp?). Even THAT is hard to take...and, remember, we survivors get all the attention...very hard for a caregiver that's used to attention, too....

Realize that he needs some adjusting, too. I am heartened to read that he is in counseling...

I have been thinking of you alot lately, and wondering how you are...I, myself, am waiting for scan results for some 'little' things as well...

Prayers are going up for you,

Hugs, kathi

jams67's picture
Posts: 927
Joined: May 2006

The stress of cancer is so hard on our families. Go for counceling now. Maybe a minister or priest. My husband and I just celebrated our 40th last weekend and there were times when we were separated in the same house. Never called it a separation, but the closeness wasn't there. Our marriage has had peaks and valleys and 3 children. We love eachother, but that is not always easy when life interferes.
Do your best to hang in there. Sometimes its just about perseverance for our kids. Sometimes it is wonderful to be able to share a lifetime with another person. I don't know how he puts up with me. I'm not that easy to live with. Guess that's why he plays golf.
Glad to hear from you. There are many here who can empathize with your situation.
Jo Ann

valeriec's picture
Posts: 350
Joined: Oct 2006

please know that I am sending prayers and hugs your way.
God bless-

catherine58's picture
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2007

Hello Lisa and I'm so sorry about the rough time you're going through. Hope your check-up went OK and that your onc agreed to a scan.

My marriage fell apart two and a half years ago and I suspect that the strain of "keeping up a front" while knowing things were falling apart was one of the factors which led to my cancer (that sense of "quiet desperation" which Bernie Siegel writes about). My ex-husband was also a very negative influence in my life and I can't tell you how much happier I am without him! Like your partner he was never a "hands on" parent: for example he prided himself on never changing a diaper and used to say he'd rather watch the paint peel than look after the children!. It was difficult for them when we separated but two and a half years on they are flourishing and, I am sure, much happier than they would have been if we had stayed together and they had continued to live in an atmosphere of domestic disharmony. They are now 9 and 12, so similar ages to your kids. I feel that I can rediscover the person I was 20 years ago.

Let us know how things went with the onc. I am thinking of you.


kerry's picture
Posts: 1317
Joined: Jan 2003


Cancer not only affects the patient, but others who are close as well. Stacy is so right about how cancer weeds out what is useful in your life and what is not.

Many of us here have faced these issues as well as fighting our disease. I can only say to you to stay strong. We will always be here for you.


JADot's picture
Posts: 720
Joined: Jan 2006


Hello from Beijing!

I am keeping my fingers crossed for your CT scan result. I am also hoping that some time and a little distance will help you and your husband to really sort out what's important for you. It can't be easy going through all this for you, on top of having to worry about tests. I think some professional help will help you a lot, and the kids too. I hope you will follow through with that thought.

Best of luck Lisa and keep us posted!


betina61's picture
Posts: 644
Joined: Aug 2006

Hi Lisa, I am very sorry to see that you are feeling a little down,going through this journey without the complete support of your love ones has to be pretty hard,maybe this separation will be the best so that your husband can realize what is really important in life.Keep us posted, I have been thinking of you, because I have not seen your posts in a while,I allways remember you, because you answered my first post here,and gave me a lot of hope. I will be praying that your health continues to be good and that your husband gets a wake up call during this separation. God bless you.

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