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I need some help!

collinsmix's picture
Posts: 3
Joined: Feb 2007

I just lost my mom 7 days ago after a 2 year battle with breast cancer. When she was first diagnosed it had already spead to her lyphm nodes and bone. Which was a total shock cause my mom went to the doctor regulary and had her mamograms every year how could this happen. We were devestated but ready for the fight. My mom fought a good fight with humor and dignity up to the end when the cancer spread to her liver and brain. I can honestly say we were very lucky because the chemo (Doxil) didnt make her to sick nor did she lose her hair. We had 2 good years together. But now she is gone and I feel so alone. Let me tell you a bit about me and my mom`s relasonship. I lost my father to cancer 20 years ago and ever since then my mom and I have been super close. I loved her more than words can ever say. She was my best friend I coluld tell her anything and I miss her so much. The last 4 days of her life I spent with he in the hospital and I told her everything I ever wanted to tell her so I feel good about that. But she had a hard time in the very end she struggled for about 1 hour befor she died I held her until her very last breathe but it was so hard for me to see her this way it hurts bad. Now that we have had her services and it was great so many people came I was able to speak at the services which made me feel soo good.But now I think every thing is staring to hit me. When I try and go to sleep I see her and it is always those last hours when she wasnt doing so good. I try to think of the good memories but I just winde up seeing her in that horrible hospital bed fight to breathe it`s driving me crazy. I still in my mind sometimes think she is gonna be home when I call or I look for her in the store. I here her calling me and I go in her room and it`s empty I don`t understand. I`m not crazy I just want her back. Please give any advice I am looking into greif support groups but is this kinda normal stuff I should be feeling. I am 34 and she was 64 and her b-day is saturday and I am dreading it please help.

Posts: 4
Joined: Jan 2007

hi, i know how you feel. I lost my mom in December, and I still see her and carry on conversations in my head. It is so hard to come to terms sometimes, but how you feel is definately normal, don't worry! I was there when my mom started to slip away, and the "slide show" of her last days when she was doing bad is hard to deal with. But it too will fade, and you will remember the good and happy times you shared. It took a long time for me to get the images out of my head... even though it's only been 2 months. My mom had a 15 year battle, which was pretty much half of my life (i'm 31) and it's hard to say if it was better to have that much time to dread the inevitable, or to have her go quickly. But stay positive, I hope I could offer a little support. Take care, Krystina

collinsmix's picture
Posts: 3
Joined: Feb 2007

Hi thanks so much for getting back to me. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing my mom is the hardest thing I have evr had to deal with cause in my mind she was never gonna die you know what I mean. I do feel lucky I suppose that this was not a long dragged out process I can`t even imagine how you could of dealt with that. Are you going to any kind of grief counseling? I want to go but I don`t know if I can talk about things in a group setting yet without bawling my eyes out. Do you have family left? I only have my 2 brothers left. If you want you can e-mail me at natottawa@yahoo.com Good luck to you and thanks agian for replying to my message it helps to know I am not alone. Cathy

Posts: 4
Joined: Jan 2007

Your welcome! I'm glad I could help a little. Yes, I still have my dad, but we have never really been that close. It's not that we don't get along, we do fine, but we have never had or ever will have the relationship I had with my mom. They were married for 36 years, so he is pretty lost right now, but he plays guitar locally and that keeps him busy and happy. I'm not going to grief counseling, and I'm not sure if I could, either. I haven't even really cried or broken down yet, and I'm not sure why, but I dread the day it finally hits me and I totally lose it! I have a hard time showing my emotions (just like Dad in that respect) and I don't want to get vulnerable, I guess. You can e-mail me, too, I'm at sweetsharkey75@hotmail.com. Talk soon, and hang in there! It does get better, I promise. Krystina

KathiM's picture
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Yup, normal. I went to a grief seminar after I lost a good friend to brain cancer. It was attended mostly by people a little further down the path from me (it was only 3 months after), but I DID go away with the reassurance that there is a cycle to grief, and each time you share with someone, it becomes a little less horrible. This makes way for time to heal, and then the good memories take over. Caution: according to the lecturer, it can take a few years before it becomes this. It IS normal....I still find myself, 1 year later, looking for him.
Oh, one OTHER BIG point...when you feel like crying...do....if you try to hold it in, it stays inside, and blocks the healing process.

The first year is a year of firsts without her. Know that it will be a challenge. Give yourself a deep breath...

I just lost my 22-year-old daughter in January. I have done everything I just mentioned...including sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor and sobbing. Sudden deaths can take up to 4 years to handle.

I see my daughter many places...but if it is a bad picture, I replace it in my mind with a good one.

Hugs, Kathi

ezekea's picture
Posts: 124
Joined: Mar 2004

I also lost my mother father and wife with in 6 years starting in 1999

In time the bad will fade and the good allways shines threw
Join the chat rooms and talk to others that helps me alot

Life is short love for one,s mother will live with in you till the day you pass on to be with her

The Love you have for your mother has been taught to you from your mother and she is smiling on you right now as you show your love for her

Jump in some of the chat rooms allways someone there to talk and it just might help you our ya just might help someone else

I find that very rewarding like it is something i no my faimly would have done

Take care sir and hope to see you in here


Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2007

Dear collinsmix i am responding to your message to tell you that on march 2nd a very wonderful dear special person who was so much like my mom passed away from cancer for the 4th time. She is my girlfriends mom and my girlfriend and i are doing the same things like you. We look for her and she's not here. I come home and it's awfully quiet. It's hard sometimes to not think you've gone crazy or something but you haven't. This very extrodinary woman passed without any warnings. We took her to the hospital a couple of weeks earlier where she stayes and thought everything was going to be ok she just needed to get rid of the blot clot they found in her lung. It was a tuesday evening when my gf said we had to go something was wrong with mom. That was soooo scary she wasn't responsive and she had no idea what was going on. Her c02 level had gone up is why. Well the next couple of days were ok she talked and laughed and never complained of any pain. On friday evening everyone was all off smoking or cleaning up or whatever and without any warning she passed away. I can honestly say that was the hardest thing i have ever in my life gone through. Both my gf and i everyday hope it will get easier and im sure it will but in the meanwhile we look for and go to talk to her and we always still have things we want to say and when you do say things we pray to god she heard us. Haha and sometimes we pray she didn't. The blessing in the whole situation is that she is in heaven now completly pain free and cancer free and she has her full head of hair again lol. It will be long battle for you but the relationship you and your mom had will get you through this. May peace be with you. And always remember though there gone they are always still here with us just only in our hearts and minds and that we can always and forever hang on to.

Posts: 3
Joined: Apr 2007

Hang in there chickie... You are doing a wonderful thing supporting your mother and father... My mom passed away Oct 23rd 2006. Same thing battled breast cancer, got through 4 years and came back in her bones... She fought another 4 years... The last 3 months of her life she was bed bound... the cancer broke her hip bone and she wasn't able to get out of bed on her own. She had difficulty breathing and needed oxygen and a neubulizer fulltime. We had hospice come in daily to help bathe her but in the end it was the WHOLE FAMILY giving the support, feeding her, getting her out of bed to use the bathroom...
Looking back I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to sit at her bedside, hold her hand, tell her that I loved her, even though it was the most stressful time in my life but my family I think wouldn't have done it any other way... with providing care instead of relying on hospice

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