advice for my mom

3greatkids Member Posts: 45
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi everyone....I have not posted much lately and that is a good thing. Mike, my husband is doing great, we just got back from our first big trip since he was dx. in '05. We took the kids and went to was FANTASTIC and Mike continues to do really well. Unfortunatly my mom has recently been dx. with bladder cancer. I know that there is a dicussion board on bladder cancer but not at all active and I have a general question for everyone. They removed her one kidney, ureter and cuff of bladder. They had told us that she would not need any treatment in the beginning however after the biopsy was done they saw that the tumor had pushed through the ureter wall and it is a very agrresive form of cancer. No lymph node involvment. We are seeing an oncologist on Monday and now they say that there should be chemo/radiation done as they can not say weather any cancer cells remain. I have 6 brothers and sisters, however they have decided that since MIke and I have been through this we should be the ones to know everything, and I really wish we did but we are far from that. My mom is having a really hard time dealing with everything, phones me crying every day, says she can not do any more and that she just thinks that she has nothing left to live for. Now, she does not know yet that they want to do further treatments...this is just how she feels as she suffers from anxiety very bad. Some family members say why put her through the treatments when they don't even know if the cancer will spread, that we should wait and a ct scan in a few months. I am terrified to do that, I know with Mike they gave him chemo after as a preventative...rather be safe than sorry. Please help me. I really need some more advice from people who have actually been there. As of right now they do not know weather cancer has spread anywhere...but do we take the chance and not try the chemo/radiation or should we try and convince my mom to do it. I know the bottom line is that it is her decision, but I also know that the more support she has either way will help her. I am sorry for posting this on here, but this group helped Mike and I out so much over the past 2 years and I really need some input on this. Bless you all


  • MCarr
    MCarr Member Posts: 20
    First of all you shouldn't apologize for posting here. The people here are seeking and providing help for anyone who needs it. You are right it is your Mothers decision to make and many things weigh into the decision. I personally would be on the 'better safe than sorry' side. However I can see the other side also. I have known a few people who have opted out of treatment and it was the right decision for them. I have a ton of respect for anyone who faces that decision whichever path they choose. The decision ussually boils down to the patients ability to handle the treatment and the quality of life. Nobody can tell you or your Mother which option is best for her, but whichever option she chooses will be the right one. You are right on the money with the support. She will definately need support whichever route she takes.
  • lfondots63
    lfondots63 Member Posts: 818 Member
    Hi Sylvia,

    I agree that there are so many things you have to weigh for this decision. How old she is, what kind of health she is in, is she ready to fight this with chemo (remember attitude is everything). HUGS for you and family that you have to go through this again. You should talk to her and find out "why she has nothing to live for"? Sounds like since you are from a big family, that is one reason to keep going. Another thing is just tell her whatever she decides you are there to help. I think one of the problems is that nobody wants to be a burden. Tell her you love her and want her around for a long time.

    Lisa F.
  • vinny3
    vinny3 Member Posts: 928 Member
    It is a very difficult decision but one way to help make that decision is to get as much information about her problem as possible. I would recommend going to the website of the National Cancer Institute ( and looking up her type of cancer. It will tell you the differences in the stages and the treatment options. Others, I'm sure, will suggest other websites.
    Best of luck for your mother and family. We will be praying for you. Your mother will come to a decision that is best for her.

  • nudgie
    nudgie Member Posts: 1,478 Member
    Two-Fold. CONGRATS for your husband being NED but sorry about your Mom. Long story short. I was DX with Stage II NO/MO colon cancer and was told by surgeon and Onc Doc that chemotherapy would basically be for insurance and precautionary measures. Onc Doc recommended FLOFOX. 6 months or 12 treatments every other week. I finished 6 out of 12 due to side effects, but feel good about my decision.

    The decision to due chemo was difficult because I was told it was precautionary and the treatment was considered standard for Stage II with no spread to Lymph Nodes or elsewhere, so I got advice from my husband, son, and family. Because they are my loved ones they wanted me to due the chemo, but stated it was my decision.

    I went back to an old saying my father used to tell me about health insurance and auto insurance, damn'd if you do an damn' if you don't and that is what made me decide to due the treatments.

    It is your mother's decision but please make sure she speaks to her doctor, family, friends, church, etc. Also, she has her wonderful children to live for.
  • hopefulone
    hopefulone Member Posts: 1,043 Member
    Hi. first of all congratulations to Mike . That's great. I'm sorry that you and your mom are going through this. My mother also had severe anxiety attacks , coupled with many illnesses and I can relate to the phone calls , and cries for help , which they really are. I was an only child and no father or other family around, so I had to be the "strong" one. I hope you will forgive me , but I think that your siblings should not have decided as you stated that you should be the one that knows everything. Sure , you have experience (unfortunately)and it's natural that they would look to you for advice and main support, but it's a bit unfair that they appear to be leaving it to you and they should be encouraged to research and share their opinions with your mom as well. If I misread or misinterpreted, I apologize. However, I do know that it is very difficult to be in the position that you are in. Maintain your composure, express to your Mom your honest opinion, and why you believe what you do . Realize, as everyone has stated and that you have stated, that it is ultimately her decision . If you haven't done so already, you may want to speak to a doctor about her state of mind. Prayers are with you ,your family and your mom . God Bless