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How do I grieve?

Posts: 4
Joined: Jan 2007

I just lost my mother after a long (15year) battle... And I don't know how to feel! I have a terrific boyfriend who is there for me all the way, my dad is doing fine and we're getting closer than we ever were before, but I have'nt really even cried or broken down at all yet. Sure, it's only been 2 weeks, and we have had plenty of time to get used to the idea, but I still feel like I'm shut down emotionally. She was my best friend, I could talk to her about anything, and being an only child, that was very important. I just want to feel the "normal" feelings, though. I want to cry, to scream, anything to let myself know it's over! How can I do that, and learn how to move on?

KathiM's picture
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Oh, Krystina....I wish I knew!
I, too, have had losses. The first happened the Thursday before Christmas, when my ex-husband (we were friendly) died unexpectedly, without any will or advanced directive. The responsibility fell, naturally, to my older daughter. She is slightly mentally disabled, so the task of executing the estate falls to me. I had all taken care of before I left on Monday for Holland, with alot of work left to do on my return.

Sunday last, I received a call from my mom (I was still in Holland), to say that my younger daughter (she was in a mental health facility) died unexpectedly. We are having an autopsy done, etc, to rule out medical malpractice. So, another angel is "walking with God". In a way, this was a good thing, because she had been not responding well to any medication used to attempt to stablize her, and was sleeping most of the time from the side effects. She was 22 years old on December 12. I once said "There should be a law against parents having to bury their children".

So, I don't think I will be celebrating the holidays of late 2006/early 2007. My effective family has been cut in half. But, I am doing the steps necessary, and will keep as good an attitude as I can, realizing that all things happen according to plan. We do not know what each of our plans are, but when our 'list' of tasks is finished, we are allowed to go on to places beyond here. The list maker is a greater power, whether it be God, or, a powerful energy.

You have listed all the good things, and most of the rest is taken care of by time. Don't be afraid to talk about it to as many people as will listen, part of the grieving process is to hear it yourself enough times that it loses the bite. I WILL warn you, little things will set you off...I found a sand castle mold my daughter had played with as a child, for example. But I choose to celebrate both of their lives, instead of mourning and grieving. They both now hold a special place in my heart, where they will live on forever. I hope you find peace.

Hugs, Kathi

Posts: 18
Joined: Nov 2006


Cindy54's picture
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Krystina, my heart goes out to you. I lost my Mom on December 1. Her story is on the ovarian board. We had been through so much these past two years. For most of last month, with all that I had to do(we have no other family) I cried a little, but nothing seemed real to me. This month ,especially in the last two weeks, the tears have come a lot more. Everyone grieves in their own ways. The tears will come for you also. It will be the most routine thing that sets them off too. You'll hear a phrase that your Mom used to say or you'll be doing shopping or see something that you'll want to share and the tears will come. You'll turn around one day and start to speak with her and realize she really is gone. Then come the tears. Time is a healer. Both our wounds are very fresh.This isn't something that you cry for a certain amount of time then you move on. There is no timetable. Let things happen just as they will. And if you believe in a Higher Power, speak your heart out. Talk to your Mom also. Set aside a little time each day in a corner of your house to talk with her. Take a look at her picture or hold a favorite piece of clothing and just be with her. Say to her what you are feeling at the moment. This will help you to focus on all that you are feeling. I wish you well. Cindy

emmaloveanna's picture
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2006

Hello, I read your story and I was wondering if you would share with me about what cancer your mother had and how she survived for 15yrs. My mother has lung cancer, she is only 46yrs old and I am 29. I am having a very hard time dealing and wondering how long she has, my brain hurts from stress. Anything you have to say would be wonderful. Thank you. I am so sorry for your loss, and I understand if you don't want to talk about it. I don't know how I will deal with the day comes. I think maybe you should try just letting it in, take in all in and see what happens. Do talk to a councler, it helps, but what helps me the most right now with all I am going though is to just let it in, make it real and cry it all out, don't be scared to just cry and scream, everyone around you will understand. A good cry helps take some of the pressure off your head. Hope this helps. GOD BLESS and good luck.

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