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New Year's Resolution Giggles

JADot's picture
JADot
Posts: 720
Joined: Jan 2006

Hi All:

Here are some giggles to get your weekend and 2007 off to an early start.

I was floored by the news from Kanga on the loss of his friend Alan. So how can I post giggles on a day like this? Well, I think sometimes we just have to laugh so we won't cry.

Here's wishing all of you a Happy, healthy 2007!

Ying

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A Dog's New Year Resolution

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

2. I'll remember that the garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

6. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

8. I will not throw up in the car.

9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

10. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

11. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

12. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

14. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

15. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

16. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

17. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

18. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

19. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

20. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

21. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

22. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

A Cat's New Year Resolution
1. My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

2. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

3. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

4. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

5. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

6. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

7. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

8. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

9. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

10. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

11. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

12. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

13. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

14. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

15. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

16. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

17. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

18. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

19. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

20. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

21. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

22. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

23. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

24. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

25. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

kerry's picture
kerry
Posts: 1317
Joined: Jan 2003

Didn't get to check my Friday giggles until later today, they are too funny and I can relate with my Lab, Maggie Mae!

Thanks Ying!

Kerry

P.S. Getting nervous and excited about tomorrow the BIG day for Kourtney! I'll send some photos

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kangatoo's picture
kangatoo
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Of course you can post giggles Ying. Alan's daughter had many in the chapel with smiles on thier faces when she read of Alan's life. That was his wish. In fact by his request the chapel staff played classical music before the service....because Alan knew that it drove some of his friends crazy when they were working on motorcycles in his garage. We all had a laugh and we all cried too. The important thing was that it reminded us of his ozzie larakin character and his ability to make us all smile with his humour. What a wonderfull way to remember him. So he is here with us, reading your giggles Ying....I am sure of it.
Thank you.....Ross

Kanort's picture
Kanort
Posts: 1275
Joined: Jan 2004

Too cute, Ying. I only have a dog, but she certainly needs many of these resolutions plus a few more.

Hugs,

Kay

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