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Does time really help

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1721
Joined: Nov 2001

I have just been reading pepperdogs post.It is heartwrenching.
I wonder if any of us really understand how our loved ones feel having to deal with all this crap that we go thru.
I have been dealing with and surviving cancer for nearly nine years now. It hasn't been easy and I have suffered constant poor health nearly all of which has been chemo related. I know that I am not alone in that . My friend Foxy in New Zealnd has had costant problems ,an acquaintance here in Aust has just undergone a liver transplant from l/t toxcicity from chem,another lady in Chicago is looking at a double hip replacement 10 yrs after the same chem. I have tried to deal with problems as they arose and maintain a normal lifesyle including earning a living.
At the very start I had to promise my wife that I would survive. She was not interested in how. She could not bear to go to chem with me it freaked her out as did scans and waiting for results. It should not have surprised me that last weekend ,she told me that she was leaving me. There is no fun in our life or our marriage was how she put it though she still thinks of me as her best friend.Cancer has taken ten years of my life .It has take a lot of my good friends. Now it has taken my wife. I really don't know how much more I can give it. Ron.

foxy
Posts: 190
Joined: Oct 2005

Hi Ron, I am so so sorry to hear your latest news! I just do not know what to say to comfort you. We have both been through major battles with this disease, but to loose your life partner must be just devastating. All I can say is that I pray you will have the strength to get through this latest hurdle and get on with your battle against the beast we live with constantly.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love Virginia.

FRANTIC
Posts: 106
Joined: Nov 2004

Dear Ron: I also just read Pepperdogs message and it is in deed most heart wrenching. You are right to say does time really help?? I am so sorry to hear of your problems. I am so sorry to hear that things have not gone well with your immediate support your spouse. I think of you all the time and your letter to me of your years of being a survivor along with all the others on this site.
Being dx. with this colon cancer, yes no one does not tell you of the long term effects of the treatment. The first step when you are first dx. is to get rid of the cancer. And we all had no choice to go thru this treatment after surgery or before sugery what ever the physician told us to do. Now 3 years later after a Stage 4, 8/20 lymph nodes postive. I am feeling the effects of the radiation to the back of the pelvis and this bone marrow disease called MDS which can lead to a leukemia down the road. Now every time I go to the specialists they now say what could happen to you or what the long term effects are. I think of you all the time and hope that things start to go well for you. I look at you as a great survivor of this horrible disease. Your friend Fran

StacyGleaso's picture
StacyGleaso
Posts: 1250
Joined: Mar 2003

Ron,

I wish I could say something "magical" to get you through all this garbage. Who needs more drama at this time in your life?!?!? And shame on her for being such a moron! You have come through SO much, and it's plain wrong for her to turn on you like this. But I do believe that karma has a way of working things out. This may not be the "nicest" or most politically correct thing to say, but look at this like Thanksgiving leftovers....YOU'RE MUCH BETTER WHEN THE TURKEY IS GONE!!!

You are amazing, and that is all you need to know to get you through this!

Stacy

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Ron,
I went to a seminar yesterday that spoke to the history of cancer treatment. In one speech, the speaker said:
"10 or 15 years ago, we in medicine were desperate to find ways to save cancer patient's lives. That's all. Now, we have numbers of survivors that are the walking wounded, some with side effects from their treatments that are just now showing up. We in the medical community are swinging our focus back to 'less is better', with targeted therapies, and always trying to keep quality of life, as well as life itself, in mind."

The beast not only robs us physically, but emotionally. My beau of 15 years and I are desperately trying to smooth it out, but any cancer journey changes everything. After seeing a young couple, both survivors, for dinner, my beau said "So, would it be easier for you to find another person with cancer...would that make you happier?" "I don't know", I said...."The advantage is, I wouldn't have to explain myself to him quite as much...he would know from a 'been there/done that".
Ron, it is a far too frequent tragedy that our partners leave us...the 'post traumatic stress' affects both people, and sometimes is just too great. Don't blame her completely...she has to watch someone she loves suffering so....

Will she see to counselling for you both? We have a gal that used to work with hospice patients, she is now a post-cancer survivor couples counsellor.

Hugs, Kathi

Kanort's picture
Kanort
Posts: 1275
Joined: Jan 2004

Dear Ron,

How terribly sorry and sad I am for you. You have been the strong one all along. Chemo and the scans "freaked HER out!" I think you are by far the healthier one... in more ways than one!!!

Hugs,

Kay

kerry's picture
kerry
Posts: 1317
Joined: Jan 2003

Ron,

I'm right there with Stacy....This is a tough disease for everyone, patient, caregiver, other family members, close friends. No one wants this disease or any other life threatening disease, but, if I remember correctly, wedding vows are: In sickness and in health..

A lot of folks here at this site have been through similar situations - all I can say is I wish you the very best. Your wife says she is your "best friend", but MY best friends don't cut and run.

It's all about YOU now and that is what you should concentrate on. Get well, stay well and enjoy each and every day.

Hugs,

Kerry

AuthorUnknown
Posts: 1560
Joined: May 2006

Dear Ron,

I know it is very difficult time for you now. It is also difficult to accept, but you are much better off without your 'legal' wife. I say 'legal' because she is your wife in the legal sense, but in the reality she does not seem to me to be the real wife, the one who would be with you through good times and bad. She did not seem to care much about your illness from the very beginning as you describe. You need someone who would be with you throughout all times. You don't need a roommate.

I was not in exactly your situation but in a way a little bit similar. I had a man living with me who did not care a bit about what I was going through with my mother (who has dimentia alzheimer's type and now colon cancer since february), there was never any support, did not care that I was unemployed for over a year, lost my car in the accident, nothing of the sort. He left me a month ago. In the beginning it was difficult but then I realized that he was just a roommate. I don't need him. I am back on my feet, have a job, etc. And so will you.

Search for 'spongebob' posts. His wife served him divorce papers when he was out of the surgery and before he was about to start chemo.

Ron, women like these, do not deserve good men like you. Free yourself from this woman and find somebody who will be like 'pepperdog' - in good times and in bad.

If you want to talk, you can email me any time.

Best wishes, Eleonora

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1721
Joined: Nov 2001

Thanks for your support. I don't blame my wife she has been a survivor far longer than me hving been raped by her father when she was 14, even cancer ,she has had hundreds of skin cancers burned off and surgically removed. I guess we are the sum total of every experience that we have ever had. Unfortunately some never get to taste the sweet life . I will always love my wife and I hope she can find some goodtimes ,god knows she deserves some. As for me I guess life will go on I just don't know how and where.Ron.

AuthorUnknown
Posts: 1560
Joined: May 2006

Oh, Ron, this is very sad story. Thank you for sharing. Perhaps, you both can find some family counseling. Whatever happens, I hope you will find peace. God Bless you.

Eleonora

cherriann
Posts: 156
Joined: Mar 2006

my dear ron, my heart goes out to you. with all the side effects from chemo some days i feel like throwing in the towel. i go for round 4 tommorow and the dread is taking over me. please know that you are in my thoughts and i hope that life is more kind to you in the furture.
take care, cherri

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

"Ok, young lady....WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?????? I have been soooooo worried!!!!!"

Please don't stay away so long. Sigh, I NEVER know when I should leave a message, or not, or what....sigh again.....

Hugs for a VERY brave lady!!!!
Kathi

pepperdog's picture
pepperdog
Posts: 96
Joined: Jun 2006

Ron, you don't deserve this. Yes, life throws curves to all of us if we live long enough. But, a wife stays and a husband stays, unless they're being abused or mistreated. That's what a marriage is. Shame on her for walking when you most need her. Don't let this get you down so much that you can't muster the will to continue your fight. You may be surprised how all this turns out for you. Keep the faith and stay strong. I need you to talk to me and others about your experiences. I'm feeling very scared and very sad right now. Please pray for me, as I will for you.
Pepperdog

scouty's picture
scouty
Posts: 1976
Joined: Apr 2004

Oh Ron my friend,

You are one of my heroes and please try to let your heart know that.

Life sucks for sure or none of us would have gotten cancer in the first place. You have come so far and I have to agree with everyone else. Your "ex" has not been as compassionate as she could/should have been. Your heart is hurting now and you blame cancer but I am not sure that is the case. My guess is she would have found a way to end the relationship years ago if you had never gotten sick.

You've done it before so pull up the ole bootstraps and take one step at a time.

AND yes chemo sucks and kills just as many as cancer does (bet I get a lot of **** for that remark). All the more reason to eat, live, and be smarter in our day to day lives. Alkaline your diet and exercise!!!!!!!!!

Lisa P.

vinny3's picture
vinny3
Posts: 933
Joined: Jun 2006

Ron,
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I agree with the others that your wife should have lived up to her vows. However, we see these splits even when health isn't an issue. Some, like you, are stronger and continue to fight. Some, like your wife, let the weakness take over or don't want to face the fight. You have put up the good fight and keep it up. I think you will find someone who appreciates what you have gone through.

Dick

pink05
Posts: 553
Joined: Mar 2006

Ron,

I am so sorry that you are going through a terrible time. As if you haven't been through enough, right? Yes, I am starting to realize what this beast can do to an individual's health and family. My father hasn't really been the same ever since his diagnosis and he continues to have side effects from the treatment. I really wish that your wife would have stayed and worked out whatever was hurting your marriage. Isn't marriage for better or for worse? I understand that this horrible disease does ruin relationships, but that is no excuse. I hope she comes to her senses and realizes what a wonderful person she has.

Hope I didn't make things worse by expressing how I feel, but it's true!!!

God bless,

-Lee-

crazylady
Posts: 544
Joined: Jun 2004

Hi Ron,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I agree with the others, that marriage is for better or worse, in sickness and health, but you have to be emotionally healthy to cope with things that come up. I don't know if your wife ever had any counseling, but to me it sounds like not only has she had trouble coping with your cancer treatments and health related problems, but she may be having trouble coping with unresolved issues due to her past history. Maybe marriage counseling would help if you haven't tried it.
No matter what happens I wish you the best!
Take care,
Jamie

RunnerZ
Posts: 185
Joined: Feb 2004

Ron, I wish I had something perfect to offer. I am sorry over your most recent loss. My wife and I have had our struggles post-cancer on occasion. At this point in my life I am bothered that my wife won't just drop everything (or sometimes anything) to do something with me or just be with me. I still live life one day at a time and she has returned to the long-term plan. I have tried to gently and sometimes not so gently remind her of the fleeting nature of life...and I have to face the fact that she does not have the time or inclination to pay too much attention to me. Has cancer made me needier, has it made me crave adventure and attentino...perhaps. We all have to face the realities of our own lives post-cancer. You have been a good supporter to everyone here, and I have always appreciated your repsonses to my posts. I struggle too Ron...and cancer is a part of that struggle. Keep positive at least a small part of each day and take care of yourself.

betina61's picture
betina61
Posts: 644
Joined: Aug 2006

Ron,I am so sorry to see what you are going through, I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better, I can not forget that you responded to my first post here and gave so much confort. I really think that that time helps.Hugs Betina

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