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starting chemo monday, feeling down

crazylady
Posts: 544
Joined: Jun 2004

Hi Everyone,
I hope you are doing well.
I'm starting chemo again on Monday, Folfox and Avastin. I know that once I get started I will be ok, but right now my anxiety level is really high and I feel like nothing is in my control. It's unfortunate that I don't drink or do recreational drugs, but I'm such a control freak that would never happen! It's also supposed to rain this weekend and I really don't like rain.
I know that there are many positive things in my life. I'm alive, I can spend time with my children, friends and family just to name a few, but I also can't make any plans and depend on them to happen. I don't feel that I can dream about my future. I hate cancer!!!!!!!!!!!! It's too bad I can't run away.
I usually manage to stay positive and do what I have to do. I just haven't had a long enough break between treatments to deal with the upcoming treatment well.
I'm having a down day and needed to vent. Thanks for listening and thanks to everyone who responded to my last post.
Jamie

jerseysue's picture
jerseysue
Posts: 626
Joined: Oct 2005

I'm with you I wish I weren't doing chemo again either. Think of it this way you aren't alone. We at least have each other to talk too. I'm not sure what else you are having. This time around I'm doing Folfox, Avastin, and the new one for me is Irrotine (?) instead of oxiplatin which made me naseau for about a week. Today is the first day that I ate and feel "better". Keep your chin up your a fighter like the rest of us.

AuthorUnknown
Posts: 1560
Joined: May 2006

Dear Jamie,

Let me point out some views here.

1. You don't and can't control anything in this life. Nobody can. There is nothing we can control. We only can do our best and hope but we can not control anything. It is the law of life. So, the sooner you will let go of control, the easier it will be for you.

2. Nobody can really make plans for future and depend on them to happen. Absolutely healthy people can not do that. One can only attempt and hope that the made plans will work but all plans can very easily fall apart. One can drive out of the house and get killed in a car accedent and all plans are caput..., just as 1 instance.

3. If you did drugs or drinks, that would not help you to deal with your anxiety. Only you can. If you drank or used drugs, nothing would change, it only would make things more compicated, you would physically feel worse and your head would not be clear, but once it cleared out, you would have to deal with hang over or similar issues but reality would still be there.

4. Since you had chemo before and know you will not feel well, the best thing probably would be is to just accept what will happen and realize that you need to do this for your children because you need to be alive to be with them. Somebody on this board mentioned that he imagined chemo being a golden light streaming into the body that will heal. Maybe you can try to imagine it too.

5. There is a light in the end of the tunnel: this session of chemo will be over, it too shall pass...and you will win!

6. Try to do some meditation or relaxation exercises, it might help to deal with anxiety.

I wish you the best for the upcoming treatment.

Eleonora

cheer3's picture
cheer3
Posts: 106
Joined: May 2003

It is so hard to be where you are. I can remember feeling as you do. I then realized that chemo was something I was doing for myself. I had to endure what ever to get where I wanted to be. I started to listen to music, think plesant thoughts, and meditate. I became really good at this. It helped me through my chemo as well as panic attack's. My ONC did not give any medication for this sort of thing. I discovered this on my own. I found this net the last couple of months on chemo. If you can think of this as time for you, be good to yourself, let others help you, time will go quickly. I pray I have said something that will help. You will be in my prayers.

Blessings to you,
Jean

alta29's picture
alta29
Posts: 435
Joined: Mar 2005

you are not alone...I will start mine again on Wed. ..Avastin and Compstar (will I lose my hair with compstar ?? ) I'm also notready for this again...i'm still weak...I'm like you...I usually have good days, but some, I'm just mad...mad that there's no cure after all these years..(well....we will beat it !!!! )but meanwhile, I have a 21 year old daugther that is not taking my recurrance pretty well, and my mom holding her tears all the time....(and my husband telling me 24/7 that I am going to be OK !!!!!!
We will...we have to....but meanwhile we have the right to hate this disease......
Today I saw a car sticker that says " cancer sucks " I want one !!!!
God bless you all..
Ileana

goldfinch's picture
goldfinch
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

Jamie,
I so understand where you are coming from. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I know you will come through this. I always found that beginning chemo was the worst mentally. It was so hard to know that I had to go back to being sick again. The physical symptoms later on were tough, but themental stuff regarding restarting chemo was also tough in it's own way. I tried to tell myself that I could control the side effects, but don't think i ever did a good job of this. You will be in my thoughts. I know you will make it through this with strength and grace.
Mary
Ileana...i lost my hair with camptosar both times i was on it, though my onc told me it was possible I would only see some thinning.

nanuk's picture
nanuk
Posts: 1363
Joined: Dec 2003

boy do I know that feeling..not unlike walking down death row and being escorted and "hooked up"
The first thing I do is make sure I have a maximum amount of distractions; lots of books, ginger ale-(to wash out the chemo..) music, DVDs,
my laptop computer, and plenty of snacks. And, plenty of bottled water-(minimum 64 oz)Along with this I bring my happy face and attitude, and try to help staff as much as possible. There is no time to think about what is actually happening, and before I know it, those bottles are edmpty and I get paroled and go out and eat my favorite foods & beverages, and maybe take in a movie..boy,
I can hardly wait!

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

aw, Jamie, I know the feeling well.....My breast cancer was found 3 months after all the treatment on the colon cancer was finished. I actually went to 5 different oncologists for a '2nd opinion' to avoid chemo therapy again.
The last one said it all....
"I KNOW you have fought the fight, and are exhausted and sick of this. But, if you stop now, you are throwing away all of your past hard work."
Enough said. I did what I had to, and am currently NED. I NEVER WANT to do this again, but, if I needed to, I would.
I am sending good, healthy, strong vibes. If I can do it, believe me I am SUCH a WIMP, YOU CAN TOO!!!

Hugs, Kathi

steelerfan
Posts: 26
Joined: Aug 2006

Hi Jamie, I think we all have those "why me" days once in awhile. And those days where we are just mad at the world. I really think it is even harder for us control freaks because we are not calling all the shots! Like you said--you do what you have to do. Know that you are in my prayers. Mary

vinny3's picture
vinny3
Posts: 933
Joined: Jun 2006

I know how you feel. I went through chemo/radiation and then surgery. When the cancer recurred 8 months later, at first it was thought that surgery only was needed but then multiple recommendations were for chemo after the surgery. It is very hard to mentally be prepared for it. I start the 8th cycle tomorrow and before one I think of stopping and dread it. I am usually positive also and just keep myself busy during the chemo or doze (more often I doze). I just look at the goal of finishing it-hopefully before Christmas. Hang in there. There are many here in similar circumstances and we all will get through it.

Dick

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