Here we go again

Chrisswife · July 2006

Chris is going back to the onc tomorrow then starting chemo (Folfox). I know he's nervous about it (and so am I) although I don't know if he will get the same dosage now at stage IV that he received 3 years ago at stage II. Also, he was doing radiation concurrently so he went into it fatigued already and that's not the case now.
On the plus side, he had been told that he wasn't a candidate for radiation because the tumor (in his spine) is too close to his colon and is in the same radiation field as it was in '03. We're realistic about his stage IV dx but he needs something to relieve his pain - and radiation did the trick handily last time. Anyway he found out yesterday that will have radiation via a "Cyberknife" at Providence in Seattle which uses a robotic arm to deliver radiation to a very specific area.
On the personal side, it's quite a roller coaster since he was diagnosed with a reoccurence on July 7th. The last go around we were together, now we are not - we separated last September. We came together out of stark terror after he was diagnosed, now I'm trying navigate the slippery slope of knowing what he wants (me) vs what he needs (care) and act accordingly. He has pretty deep rooted anger issues already, now he's absolutely rageful and I've received the brunt of it a few times already. Good times. I worry about him living alone and I will take him in when the time comes but that could very well be some time down the road so I think it's important for him to be independent and continue to work. I just worry about him when he's alone though, and I want him to spend as much time with our daughter as he can. She's clearly stressed and blames herself for daddy's cancer because she has "bad luck" which is heart breaking. I try to talk to her but kids believe what they believe and I'm not going to change her mind. Still calling around trying to get counselling but I've been striking out.
Anyway, sorry for the ramblings, just a lot on my mind. Thanks for "listening"

Misha

shmurciakova · July 2006

Hi Misha,
Gosh, it really sounds like you all NEED counseling. Can you get it in Seattle? Even if you have to drive I think it would be worth it. I know that going through all this can be really depressing. I know that it changed my behavior at work, especially. I kinda went on this control kick. I felt so out of control of my medical situation that, by god, I was gonna be in control at work! Right, so I managed to make one good enemy, who used to be a friend...Anyway, cancer can exacerbate his anger issues and also cause severe depression and/or suicidal thoughts. I know he is not your husband anymore, but maybe if you all do not seek counseling as a family, at least he can talk to someone when he goes to Seattle for his treatments? Maybe before the gamma knife treatments? Anyway, sounds like your daughter could use some help too, which is probably easier to find cause she does not need to see someone who deals with cancer patients.
Anyway, he needs to deal with this in other ways than lashing out at you. I am sure he's just scared and doesn't know how to deal with it.
Best of luck,
Susan.

AuthorUnknown · July 2006

Hi Misha,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have so much on your plate. It is so unfare that Chris is behaving like this with you. He somehow needs to get control of his anger, rages - they are making things worse. And you have a right to protect yourself. Perhaps if he does not stop his rages you should step back and see what happens. You could tell him that he has a choice between having you with him caring for him and in this case - no rages, no anger OR he would have to take care of himself.

I am also very sorry for your daughter, it is very difficult for her.

I am posting KathiM's caregiver's bill or rights. Hope it helps.

Take care of yourself.

Caregiver's Bill of Rights
I have the right to take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the capability of taking better care of my loved one.
I have the right to seek help from others even though my loved one may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength.
I have the right to get angry, be depressed, and express other difficult feelings occasionally.
I have the right to reject any attempts by my loved one (either conscious or unconscious) to manipulate me through guilt and/or depression.
I have the right to take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it has sometimes taken to meet the needs of my loved one.
I have the right to receive consideration, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance from my loved one for what I do, for as long as I offer these qualities in return.

JADot · July 2006

Hi Misha:

Yours and Chris' situation is just heart-breaking. You're an angel for trying to help! Your karma bowl is overflowing I am sure.

I can imagine the hell that Chris is going through, which explains but does not excuse the rage against you. Does he have other family member who can help to mediate?

Hang in there, once the chemo starts, it'll give all that nervous energy some focus and routine.

Take good care,
Ying

AuthorUnknown · July 2006

Misha,

I am sorry to hear about Chris. It must be very hard to go back to chemo. I finished my 12-cycle chemo last October. I am cancer-free now and on the monitoring track. I got really scared every time when I went to find out the result of the CEA. Although my CEA is normal, but it has gone higher every time. I have become so scared of having the cancer back; mostly, I am scared of going through chemo again. I will pray for Chris. I will pray for you. Things are actually more difficult for caregivers than the patents themselves. I will pray for you. Please be strong and brave.
Rosa from the Big Apple

pink05 · July 2006

Misha,

As a caregiver for my father, I know how difficult it is to be there for a loved one who is going through all of this. It almost seems like it's more difficult on me than it is for my dad. I hate seeing my dad going through the side effects he is dealing with from the chemo. I don't know how we all do it whether we are caregivers or patients, but somehow, I think all of us on this site have incredible strength. Thank God we have each other to turn to.

Just know that you, Chris, your daughter, and everyone on this site are in my prayers.

God bless,

-Lee-

musiclover · July 2006

Misha, wow...your story is so similar to mine. I am the caretaker for my Ex, too. It is quite an emotional ride as I am his power of attorney as well and very involved in his treatment.

He got some bad news today about his trial. This has turned me into a basket case. He appears to be calm and handling it - no rages yet. If it were me I'd be raging pretty much all the time. I'm losing faith in the doctors - one failed trial and they are pushing yet another.

I'm so sorry to hear that your Ex has a reoccurance. That has to be so devasting for him and you. So happy to hear he can get treated with the cyberknife. I am from Seattle and they have some excellent health centers there. My sister is a social worker at Swedish Hospital. She works with terminal cancer patients (I've never liked the word "terminal").

Your Ex is so lucky to have you! I also worry constantly about Mark being alone. He never got over our breakup. I believe the extreme sadness and lonliness over the past many years led to his cancer so there is much guilt there on my part. Of course everyone is quick to tell me "it's not your fault" or "you're not responsible for him - he's a grown man". I've even heard "how arrogant of you to believe you have that kind of power!" None of that changes how I feel. I believe negative thoughts/feelings/emotions have a poisoness effect on the body and nothing can convince me otherwise.

Anyway, what's done is done. At this point I'm doing my best to help him. I think you're NOT taking over for your Ex is very good for him. He needs to work and be independent. Mark feels purpose when he works and I think he'd be sicker faster without that. Plus he's getting a lot of physical exercise.

I wish there were something wise I could say to help your situation. Perhaps it will help to know that you're not alone.

KathiM · July 2006

musiclover said:
Misha, wow...your story is so similar to mine. I am the caretaker for my Ex, too. It is quite an emotional ride as I am his power of attorney as well and very involved in his treatment.

He got some bad news today about his trial. This has turned me into a basket case. He appears to be calm and handling it - no rages yet. If it were me I'd be raging pretty much all the time. I'm losing faith in the doctors - one failed trial and they are pushing yet another.

I'm so sorry to hear that your Ex has a reoccurance. That has to be so devasting for him and you. So happy to hear he can get treated with the cyberknife. I am from Seattle and they have some excellent health centers there. My sister is a social worker at Swedish Hospital. She works with terminal cancer patients (I've never liked the word "terminal").

Your Ex is so lucky to have you! I also worry constantly about Mark being alone. He never got over our breakup. I believe the extreme sadness and lonliness over the past many years led to his cancer so there is much guilt there on my part. Of course everyone is quick to tell me "it's not your fault" or "you're not responsible for him - he's a grown man". I've even heard "how arrogant of you to believe you have that kind of power!" None of that changes how I feel. I believe negative thoughts/feelings/emotions have a poisoness effect on the body and nothing can convince me otherwise.

Anyway, what's done is done. At this point I'm doing my best to help him. I think you're NOT taking over for your Ex is very good for him. He needs to work and be independent. Mark feels purpose when he works and I think he'd be sicker faster without that. Plus he's getting a lot of physical exercise.

I wish there were something wise I could say to help your situation. Perhaps it will help to know that you're not alone.

I was recently talking to a gal who helped her ex thru to the end of his battle. MY take on ex's is the same as hers....
At one point, you cared enough about this man to marry him. And, with children, enough for that, too.
BUT, as was posted, YOU have rights, too. One of the reasons you are no longer together as husband and wife is because there were insurmountable troubles. So, a little distance is necessary. But ignoring? Would you ignore a friend in such a situation? Talk about rambling...sigh....
Hugs to both of you angels!
Kathi

ccpm1960 · July 2006

KathiM said:
I was recently talking to a gal who helped her ex thru to the end of his battle. MY take on ex's is the same as hers....
At one point, you cared enough about this man to marry him. And, with children, enough for that, too.
BUT, as was posted, YOU have rights, too. One of the reasons you are no longer together as husband and wife is because there were insurmountable troubles. So, a little distance is necessary. But ignoring? Would you ignore a friend in such a situation? Talk about rambling...sigh....
Hugs to both of you angels!
Kathi

My father-inlaw who has colon cancer (Stage IV). was told by a friend that by taking Coriolus versicolor tablets he would not feel so much side effects from chemotherapy.

Read this link that I have pasted below - I hope it helps!

http://www.literaturesearch.net/Literature Search files/Coriolus.pdf

or surf the net to find out more about Coriolus versicolor from other sites - it seems to have lots of advantages taking it.

Love, Christina

Here we go again

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