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Death Is So Final

mindy10
Posts: 183
Joined: Jul 2005

Hi everyone, hope all are doing well. Well my dad has been gone 3 weeks now and now Im starting to miss him. At first it was a relief because he suffered for the last 2 1/2 months but my mom said something yesterday that made me feel so anxious and sad she said death is so final. I tried to tell her we will see him again but for now we are all missing him. Im the only one that can watch the videos of him. My other family members cant do that yet. We have to go down and clean out the closets for my mom and that part is going to kill me. Anyone tht lost loved ones do you on somedays go oh my god they are gone this is real. Sometimes i think he is still down the Cape watching the baseball game. Just needed to vent and talk about it thank you all for listening. Mindy

pepperdog's picture
pepperdog
Posts: 96
Joined: Jun 2006

Mindy, I've read your many posts regarding your dad's suffering and final passing. Your pain has been evident in all those messages.

I can't offer much wisdom concerning the grief you're experiencing, because I'm frightened by it too. However, I do know without a doubt that the wonderful memories you have of your dad will help sustain you through the sad times. Yes, he is physically gone, but he literally lives on in your heart and no one can ever change or take away those cherished memories.

You will hurt for a long time, and that's okay, it's all part of grieving the loss of someone so dear. The hurt is part of the healing.

You are in my prayers......

themis01
Posts: 168
Joined: Feb 2005

Mindy
There are definitely days that I am hit with a really hard overwhelming realization that mom is really gone and I will never be able to send an email or pick up the phone again. The finality is devastating for sure. Feel free to email me anytime.
Erika

vinny3's picture
vinny3
Posts: 933
Joined: Jun 2006

Mindy,
It is very hard to lose someone so close. My parents were both 88 when they died and content that they had had a good life so they were calm about dying and that made it easier on the family. My sister had stomach cancer and suffered alot in the few months she had after the diagnosis. It was good to see that she no longer suffered but I still wish I could talk to her and even wish I could ask my parents questions. My sister and mother died 5 yrs ago and my dad 10 so I think that feeling of finality and missing them never really goes away.

I pray for your comfort. Dick

Betsydoglover's picture
Betsydoglover
Posts: 1256
Joined: Jul 2005

Hi Mindy -

I feel for you. My mother died in January and I still have occasions when I think "I'll call Mom and tell her about this" - and then I REMEMBER. It takes a while. And no matter how old you are, I think you are never really ready to lose a parent.

Love,
Betsy

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Aw, Mindy. My dad left us 20+ years ago, and I STILL have moments of 'gosh, I wish I could talk to dad about this'. I know reality...but I still feel this occasionally. I hold many pictures in my mind of him...the day he took his navy reserve ID pic, for instance...he was soooo proud and tall! And the day, after a deepsea fishing trip, that he stood at the sink and fileted our 'catch'...a single, scranny fish about 12 inches long...we each got a bite. Or, one more, the way he 'tested' my mom's french fries...to make sure they were ok...while cooking steak outside....
He has a warm place in my heart, and I was reminded how fleeting life can be by my battles with the beast...create wonderful memories for other people, then you truly live on! Just like your dad for you, my dad for me!

Hugs, kathi

AuthorUnknown
Posts: 1560
Joined: May 2006

I understand your grief. I lost my Mom almost three yers ago. For a long time, I could tell you how many days or months since she left. I spent her last two years taking care of her in her home. We even slept in the same bed with her holding my hand. When she died I knew it was time for her to go. I also lost my neice to cancer the same week. Double grief. But know that God held my family together.

Remember, grief is a process. Days will get better for each of you. On special days, I would miss my Mom so but then I would tell myself that she is in a better place and having a wonderful time. I felt assured that God had taken my place in seeing that she was taken care of and happy. That thought has got me through many rough days and nights.

Life goes on. You will be happy again. The first time I laughed after Mom died, I actually scared myself. but I did laugh and your family will too.

nanuk's picture
nanuk
Posts: 1363
Joined: Dec 2003

It's only another step along the way..I firmly believe that we "graduate" to something better..if you haven't, contact hospice in your area-they can be a great help..even after the fact..

soozi
Posts: 6
Joined: Apr 2002

Dear Mindy,
My Dad died 3 years after he was diagnosed with colon cancer. I was diagnosed before him. That's when they started looking around the family. I was female and 37. My mother died of another debilitating illness six months after my Dad. I used to walk around town and see older people and know that they had to have lost their parents and they were still walking around. I could not see how they could survive it.

One night, not long after my parents had died and I was almost paralyzed with grief, I had a dream. I was in our backyard and the family was having a bar-b-que (we did a lot of that) and my Dad was there. He turned around in his chair to wave at me as he had always done when he was alive. The dream was so real!

The final part of death was also the hardest for me. The thought of never seeing my parents again was too much for me to bear. But then I had this dream. I think he came to say hello. I haven't had another dream in 9 1/2 years. But somehow the one was enough. I feel like if I really need them, or my Grandmother who died in 2002, that they will find a way to speak to me.

One cold winter night last year I went for a walk in the woods in upstate New York and there were no clouds in the night sky and so many stars. It felt like they were saying we are here and it's OK. I sat down and just soaked in their presence for a long time.

I don't know what your religious beliefs are. I am a spiritual person, but as it turned out I never felt my loved ones presence in church. I suppose they come the way they come. I hope you Dad comes to you. I'm sure he's there.

Soozi

lfondots63's picture
lfondots63
Posts: 822
Joined: Jan 2006

Hi Mindy,

Yes we all go through this. I miss my grandmom who I was very close to. She has been gone for about 14 years but still wish I could tell her some things that are happening in my family. I'm sure she is in heaven watching and still talk to her at times. She was such a large part of my life that at times it is still sad to think of her but I keep thinking of all the good things too. Had to clean out her apartment with my sister and cousin because my parents and aunt could not handle it. Still have some things that were hers which is nice and makes me happy. They say time heals and it does but it will take a while. HUGS!!!!!

Lisa

pjenks57's picture
pjenks57
Posts: 112
Joined: Nov 2003

I am so sorry for your Dad's passing Mindy. My husband died May 27 this year from this horrible beast. I miss him and wish I could tell him this and that but then I remember all the pain and suffering and those last 6 days of his life were AWFUL. I am glad that he is free from that and gone to a wonderful place. He has begun a new journey and so have I. We will be together again someday and yes it hurts but I see his face when he finally passed and it changes my hurt to happiness for his eternal peace. I have not let go yet and I know it will hit me like a rock but God is good and only puts on you what he knows you can support. Although, some days I think he might have me mistaken for someone else.

Sorry to ramble but death is final and pain will ease and life as we know it will change but we can, and need to continue.
Peace and love to you and yours.
PJ

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