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Last Fathers Day

mindy10
Posts: 183
Joined: Jul 2005

Hi everyone, I hope you all are doing well. Im very depressed and anxious today. I will be going down to see my dad for what will be his last Fathers Day. Im so scared to go down and sad. My moms making a big dinner which Im sure he wont eat any because my mom said he only eats very very little now. How can we celebrate with a big dinner when he is dying in the other room. How do you say Happy Fathers Day when it is not a happy day at all. It was so hard to pick out a card. All of them say hope you have a Happy Day or to many more Fathers Day. I tried to pick out a special one and it was so hard writing dad on it knowing I will never do that again. I cant even imagine not buying him another card. I know everyone loses their parents and you go on with life and your happy again but I have not had happy days for over a year now since he has been diagnosed. Its sad to say but I cant wait until this part of my life is over. I feel guilty saying that but I cant handle another day of this or seeing a man that doesnt even look like my dad anymore. I cant even look him in the eye because I dont want to remember him like that. Im sorry for going on but I always get anxious when Im going to visit him. To all you dads Happy Fathers Day. Mindy

pink05
Posts: 553
Joined: Mar 2006

Hi,

I know how you feel. I too am having a difficult time this father's day. What's even worse is that we were planning to spend a nice day together, and now, because of what happened to my mom, we will be spending it in the hospital. I don't know if I'll get to spend many more father's days with my dad, so I was hoping to make this a special one. It's so hard to even think that way. Hang in there, and try to have a nice day with him. Mindy, I'm always here for you.

-Lee-

cherriann
Posts: 156
Joined: Mar 2006

dear mindy,
after my last visit with my doctor where he told me to worry about the cancer and not the colostomy it makes you put it all into perspective. your dad will be happy with whatever words you chose to say it is just important that you say them. talk from the heart and there will be no regrets,
peace be in your heart,
cherri

debcanmcg
Posts: 32
Joined: Jul 2005

Get a Grip! Your father is still here, give him a big KISS, Hug and sit next to him and talk don't think it might be the last, it's always someones last, My children and I will be spending fathers day at his grave wishing he was here. Enjoy being with yours while you both are here.

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Mindy,
Kind, gentle soul...remember all the times he kissed away a boo-boo, or held you during a scary storm. See him like that in your mind's eye, not the man in front of you. There are times when we warriors just want a sense of normal. We know the reality of our individual situation, but for a few brief moments we just want to pretend. This is the greatest Father's day gift you can give your dad...it will mean more to him than any card.
I lost my own dad 15 years ago. I lost my dad-in-law year before last year. I miss them both, especially on this special day.
Hug him while you still can....
Hugs, Kathi

Nolelovr
Posts: 12
Joined: Apr 2006

Mindy,
While this may be the last Father's Day that you see him, it WILL NOT be the last one where you feel him with you. My Dad died of mets bone CA in December, 1987 and I still miss him. But, I also still feel his presence and strength. I am grateful that I had the time to tell him all the things I needed to say...those little things we always intend to say, but never get around to saying.
I understand how you feel about wanting this part of your life to be behind you, but don't feel guilty about wanting his pain to be over. I felt the same way. Daddy was physically a shell of the man he had been, but his heart and sense of humor were as big as ever. He was able to make me laugh right up until the end.
The worst thing about terminal cancer is also the best thing...you have time...maybe not as much as you want, so try to make the most of what you do have.
Huggies and prayers,
Joyce

CAMaura
Posts: 719
Joined: Feb 2005

Hi Mindy - My thoughts go out to you on this special day and during this especially hard time. Days like this sort of do stop us in our tracks. I lost my dad three months ago and today is hard as we always had a huge celebration for his B-day and Father's day as the special days are so close. I Iknow that everyone deals with things differently. Just know that the support you give him today will carry him miles. If all else fails and you are losing your composure...you can try to bring yourself down to minute by minute which you are spending with him and your mom. I know it is incredibly hard, but he is doing the best can and you are too. All the best to you and I know that this will be a special day for you and him. Take care - Maura

AuthorUnknown
Posts: 1560
Joined: May 2006

Dear Mindy,

First of all, nobody except God knows whether it is your father's last Father's Day or not. So, stay present in the moment.

Second, you don't need to celebrate with the big dinner. Just being with your father on this day is already celebration. You don't need to say "happy father's day". Say "I am here to be with you and I love you".

Third, please try stop waiting for this part of your life to be over. Try to be grateful for every day that you have your father. It does not matter how he looks, you love him, he is your father. Do not care how he looks, he is the same person that raised you and brought you up and have been your father. You need to make an effort to remember him how he was throughout his life and not only now.

Fourth and foremost, be with your father, tell him how much you love him, how grateful you are that you had him as your father, tell him that you are there for him and always will be there for him and always will have him your heart. Be there, Mindy, not just in your body, but most importantly in your soul, in your being. Be present, take in every single moment that you spend with him. This time will not come back again, so use it to the most.

It would greatly help you to do this, if you would accept what is happening. What is happening is out of your control and all you can do is accept it, no matter how difficult it is. Once you have accepted it, you will have some peace in you and it will help you to be there for your father. Please, Mindy, look him in the eye, hug him and kiss him and be there for him.

And something else you can do: keep praying, it helps.

If you need a shoulder to cry on, just send me an e-mail.

I will pray for you and your father.

God Bless, Eleonora

Betsydoglover's picture
Betsydoglover
Posts: 1256
Joined: Jul 2005

Mindy -

I feel for you so much. But, try and give your Dad a hug and talk a few minutes to him about your life - normal talk. That will probably be better than any card or big dinner could ever be.

Also, you may well be correct that this is your Dad's last Father's Day - although you don't really know this for sure, but love him like that's not the case - you'll have a better memory and I am sure you will make him happier.

My Dad died when I was only 20 years old - the raw pain has long ago subsided, but I think of him every year at this time - so try and at least be glad that you still have your father in front of your eyes (as Kathi would say) instead of behind your heart.

Take care and I am thinking of you,
Betsy

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2598
Joined: Apr 2003

Mindy -

My suggestion for you is to just be with him. I haven't heard from my kids on Father's Day (or any other day of the year for that matter) in over 4 years and I know that that is what I would cherish more than anything. The most precious gift you can give your dad is to just be there with him. Let him know you love him. Let him know he lives in your heart and always will. He doesn't need or probably even want a card - he wants your company, whether he admits it or not. Don't eat your big celebratory meal in the other room, go into his room and sit with him while you eat. Talk to him. Tell him what you're doing. Ask him things. Be engaged with him. If his time truely is short, make this an occassion that you will carry in your heart for many years to come. None of us knows when our time will come. Tell people you love that you do; and do it daily.

You are an awesome daughter - one I'm sure your dad is very proud of.

- SB

finner
Posts: 232
Joined: Jan 2005

Hiya Mindy, yes it is a very tough time for you and I can understand when you say you wish this parto of your life was over, particularly since by the sound of it, your dad has given up the ghost already. Let us know how it goes.
Spongebob, real sorry to hear about your position. Have a great fathers day anyway, coupla cognacs maybe, or maybe margharitas, and toast yourself.

Margo

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Hey, SB, I'LL be your daughter...I'm without a father, permanently, so I've been shopping for one!!!! I couldn't think of a better one than YOU!
Hugs, Kathi

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jams67
Posts: 927
Joined: May 2006

You know what they say about picking up people on the internet. Better check out SB and make sure there's nothing kinky going on. hehehe jams

themis01
Posts: 168
Joined: Feb 2005

Always look him in the eyes no matter how hard..he deserves that. :) It is so hard to lose a parent my mom has been gone for 3 months now. I am happy that I could tell her I loved her a bunch more times before she went.

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