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He is gone...

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

On March 26th at 6:45 in the morning my dad passed away...They say from organ failure. He got diagnosed with cancer in November of 05 and at his last full body scan they said the cancer was not visable. He had COPD a lung disorder and congestive heart failure. He seemed to be beating the cancer but his weak body couldnt fight any longer. I came here to this site when things got rough and confusing for me, sometimes I came to listen and respond to others that needed an ear. I wanted to thank you all for all your kindness and prayers through out this battle. My dad never gave up not once. In and out of the hospital for the last 5 months, my father is the strongest and bravest person I know. He tried everything doctors suggested and never gave up on life. I watched his suffer at the end and prayed to God to let him stay on earth and as the night went on and my dad got weaker and his body started shutting down I suddenly told my selfish self that he needs to be free now. It was the hardest thing to do to suddenly start praying for God to take my dad and end his suffering instead of leaving him here to. When he died I felt at peace. My siblings my mother and all our family were around him he got his last rights and and passed on. Its been a week and Im incredibly sad...I was the youngest of four children and very close to him, we all were. I know he will always be in my heart, and will always remain the strongest man Ive ever known. My prayers go out to all of you...God bless you all and thank you again!

tao94539
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2005

please be stronger...

Plymouthean's picture
Plymouthean
Posts: 264
Joined: Jan 2004

I am very sorry to hear of your Dad's passing. My heart goes out to you. Being very close to him makes it that much more difficult, but as you go on with your life, as he surely wants you to, remember that you had a very special place in his heart, and as he continues to watch over you, he'll be proud that you are able to carry on. Remember and be glad for all the happiness you shared with your Dad. God bless you and your family. Ernie

CHG
Posts: 34
Joined: Jan 2005

I am so very sorry to hear that your dad passed away.

tenten
Posts: 18
Joined: Jul 2005

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My dad too has LC... it's so tough to see someone you love so much go through an illness like this... it helps our loved ones and us to rally around...just to "be there" for them. Prayers of comfort and peace to you and your family during this difficult time.

reinstones1's picture
reinstones1
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2006

I'm so sorry to read this news about your Dad. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

Hi there. I saw your message and needed to respond. I have not been on the site for over two months. If you recall, I too am the youngest of 4 and my father was diagnosed with lung cancer in august 05. I came to this site and also received a lot of support but on Feb. 18th my father passed away, since then I haven't been able to come back to the site. I wanted to let you know that I am grieving the loss of my father as well and as the youngest I know how you feel. I am also recently married and I am fortunate that I have a supportive husband, this has been the most difficult and painful experience of my life. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, my thoughts are with you as my family too has gone down this same road.

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

Hi.
Yes I do remember you. Im so sorry to hear about your father. I could always relate to your messages. Im also having a hard time with my dads passing. He is always on my mind...I think about all the time. I have a great family and genuine friends and the support is emense. But I still feel alone. The void is huge and at times to much to handle. Im mourning life without my dad and sometimes the future without my dad. I have to remind myself that I was fortunate to have my dad for 30 years. I project into the future about one day getting married and having kids...he wont be there to walk me down the aisle, he wont be there to teach my future kids to fish, I kind of have a pity party for myself. One day someone told me dont worry about letting people who dont already know your dad, because when they get to know you they get to know a piece of him. That made me smile. I have so many of his traits and his type A personality. I miss him so much, I cry everyday sometimes several times a day. I cried when I read your message because I sense you feel the same way about your dad as I do mine. I go to his gravesite to be close to him, even know he is not there he is in my heart its still to raw and I need to feel close. I do have good days though, and when I struggle I think of sitting there with him as he passed. I found my selfish self praying to God to let him stay no matter what, and as the night went on and he got worse I began praying for God to take him out of his suffering. I didnt think I had that in me. Im thinking of you and I truely wish you better days. Stay well and thanks for all your help and kind words. Christine

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

Hi Christine. Nice to hear from you as I feel the exact same way as you do about my own Dad. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about him. I cry a lot, sometimes just from being sad and other times out of the blue when something, even slightly reminds me of him. Father's Day will be hard. We had a difficult Easter and now my birthday is coming up and I know it will never be the same. No one knows the void unless they have gone through it. I visit the cemetary too and sometimes bring cards and pictures but I always leave in tears. Life will never be the same, it will go on but it will be different. It is hard to believe that at this time last year my life was so different. I have been reading books on grieving and they have really helped. My husband bought me a book called "Losing a Parent" and it was so helpful, I have passed it on to my siblings. Being the youngest has a special place in a parents heart and that is why we feel the loss a bit differently, we were our parent's baby even as adults, I feel that a certain sense of security is gone and now I am an adult even though I feel like a kid at times. Keep in touch. Carmela

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

Hi Carmela...

Im going to get that book, thanks for the info. Ive been online during certain work hours looking for support groups and other outs to make my day go by easier. Ive found a grief support group, but your not allowed to express yourself fully on that site. I also went on The American Lung *** website and found a lot of people I could relate with, its simular to this but they have a wall of rememberence and you write about you or read others stories and or messages, I find myself reading and coming back to read more so I must be getting something from it. I also joined the Assosicationa and volunteered my time, Lung disease is a monster, in every form. I think about my dad and his illness all the time, why not do something about it..so I did. Im now awaiting my volunteer time coming up. Im anxious and willing and proud. My dad would be too. Ill let you know how it goes, there are lots of different ways to volunteer but its a first for me so Im taking it one day at a time. Sorry for the ramble just wanted to express how I cope sometimes. Hope your well...Christine

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

Hi Christine. Sounds like there is a lot of support, I am hesitant to go on line though. I have a great support at work, friends and even a Palliative nurse that does social work/therapy for staff. I also attended a support group but I wasn't crazy about it. The books have really helped me through all of this. I especially find the books helpful on the nights that you just can't get to sleep. How is your mother doing? I feel your pain, this is worse than I ever imagined it would be, I miss my Dad so much, not 1 moment passes where I am not thinking of him.

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

My mother...wow she is a rock. Sometimes Im amazed at her selfless acts. She and my dad would have been married 42 years this May. My dad was sick for a while and when he got cancer it became their illness. She did everything. I remember one time, after christmas..I noticed one of her trees was not put away she always had two christmas trees up, and the one downstairs was still up I asked about it and she said but that would take away from spending time with your father. She is the most wonderful person and mother! Im truely blessed. I do worry about her though. My parents house now only holds one for the first time in 30 years, what a transition that must be for her. My siblings and I are fortunate to live close to her and we visit and spend time with her constantly. The grandkids always liked staying the night at my parents so my brother makes it a point to still let them do that. I thought about moving in with her so she wouldnt be alone. But Im afraid when I left she would have to transition all over again. Were a tight catholic family and my parents are old school type. She is very strong and wouldnt tell us if something was wrong. We talk about my dad all the time, but I think she struggles along with me. I just want a sign from him to know he is ok. My faith is strong but I need a sign. How are things with your family? How is your mom? And the online support group I go to is nice, a few members suggested I try going to a group in my town but Im not ready for that. Im gonna check the books out this weekend and but a few. Every beginning of summer I would help my parents perare their yard, my dad loved sitting in the yard. Id help them mow, edge, weed wack ect. He would suppervise me and tell me to do it a certain way, I always thought it was aggrovating. Sunday I helped my mom all day in her yard and I had to stop several times and cry because I missed him, and his opinions of my work. But I finished everything and when I was done I asked him how I did. That was a tough day for me, but I got thru it, and I know he loved his yard! Hope your well Carmela.

Christine

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

Yes my mother too is a rock and they would have celebrated their 42nd anniversary in November. We had a big party for them on their 40th almost as if we knew. I remember my Mom saying she thought we should wait until their 50th but we insisted and they had a great time with all of their friends. I too am Catholic and a very stron faith and close knit Italian family. We all live close by and visit often, daily sometimes twice daily. I know my Mom stuggles with the same things as we do. My father loved the outdoors and his garden and the nice weather is here and although pleasant, it also brings back a lot of painful memories of being outside with my Dad. I miss him so much and I too ask for a sign to know that he is okay and I feel like meeting with our priest and just asking him what happens, is he okay and how can I be at peace with all this? I am just greatful that I have my husband and my family but I can't help but miss my Dad too. Take Care, Carmela

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

I can so relate with you. I need to know he ok and at peace in heaven. He got his last rights and the priest gave him the anointing of the sick and that sends the person straight to heaven...passing thru purgatory. I to am going to set an appointment to see a priest I need more closure, my mom taught CCD and knows a lot about this but I need more about heaven and what happens. Im struggleing with this, I go to a catholic support group and get some info and answers but I still dont feel complete peace in my heart. Our stories are so similiar. Maybe our fathers have brought us together for support and are helping eachother out. Someone told me that when more than one person is praying for someone about the same thing it will be heard and answered by God. That same person told me to ask my dad to pray for me too. Ive been doing that, Ill ask my dad to pray for you too! Have a wonderful Mothers Day with your mom. I found the greatest card for her its very suiting and I says what I feel. Hope your well and thanks for the support.

Christine

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

Yes we are quite religious too. In fact during this whole nightmare my mother in law introduced me St. Theresa, I visited the website daily to pray for my father. We had gone through so many hurdles, I really felt that he was going to be okay. Sometimes I look back and wonder how we actually made it through those difficult times. I often replay those final moments in my head and that is what bothers me the most and sends me into tears. I wish so badly I could remember the healthier times and how different my father looked when he was heavier and less fragile. I dream about him a lot and fortunately he is very healthy in the dreams. At times I still don't believe it, I pull into the driveway and still expect him to greet us. I never thought this would ever happen to me. I have worked with many sick people throughout my career but somehow felt that I would be immune to all this and then it feels like someone dropped a bomb on your perfect world and everything changes forever. Maybe one day the tears will be less but I am positive life will never be the same. I hope you are strong during this journey, maybe our mothers can teach us something and maybe talking to a priest will help. Being on this site makes me feel like I am not the only one affected in this world, even though at times it sure feels like it. Hope your mother had a good mother's day I know father's day will be another milestone. Carmela

8965
Posts: 34
Joined: Nov 2005

Hi Carmela

You said something that in your message about seeing your thoughts of your dad are when he was sick..so are mine. I look back and we rallied many of times. I really dont think my dad thought he was going to die, none of us did. The truth is there is never enough preperation for this. I wish to see him in my dreams, Ive only twice since he passed. My sister said she had a dream that dad was outside the ICU room where he died just standing kinda like he does shifting from one foot to the other. She said he was the healthy dad full head of hear, mustache, tan skin. But he was standing in her dream like waiting. She said she felt it necessary to go to the ICU room and help him. The next day she said she walked through and someone was in his room where he died and she just walked past. On her way out of the hospital she swears she felt the touch of a hand on her shoulder the whole way out. I want that! I want my dad to show me a sign. She doesnt know what that meant but she was having those dreams reoccuring for a week the same one over and over, since she walked thru the hospital she stopped having them. Kinda like he needed to guided a bit. I struggle with acceptance I dont expect it overnight, but it would be easier if I had a sign. The last few nights Ive sobbed straight out sobbed, uncontrollably. Last night on the way to my boyfriends I cried the whole way..30 minutes. Ive already cried twice today. Some days are better than others, but since mothers day its been tough. The one thing that stands out is Im a very anxious person..prone to panic and anxiety attacks, I have been prescribed xanex throughout stressful times in my life. WHen he got cancer it was horrible I was having attacks all the time, now that he has passed I havent had a single one. Havent taken any medication although I keep them close. My mom says a lot of your worry was for you father even before the cancer but I think my dad has lifted some of that away. I truely do, dont mean to sound all goofy and wacky but I cant explain that at the time in which I would seem to need the meds the most and have the attacks I havent had any? Sorry about the ramble. I am going to set up an appt with the priest. Oh and the Lung *** called me back and Im going to be doing some volunteer work at local Walgreens stores free screening for lung diesease. It starts next month and Im anxious to help. Stay well..
Christine

crot1998
Posts: 67
Joined: Sep 2005

Hi there. Yes I too have anxiety, I had crazy panic attacks just before I got married and during my Dad's illness they were even worse, I am now weaning myself off the meds as we are thinking of having a family in the next year. Of course this too bothers me as my siblings are all married with children and my father will never see mine, I stuggle with that every day. My panic attacks aren't so bad now, I can't honestly remember when I last had them. I am also a nervous person. I also cry a lot and it is very intense. I stuggle with how normal our life was a year ago. My husband and I travelled to Europe and came home to this devastating news, I can't even look at our pictures because it reminds me of a different time in my life. I feel the past 8 months I have lived a life time, I am tired and feel stressed and I constantly have bags under my eyes. I worry about my mother, I cling to her because she is all we have now, I feel so fragile. Life will never be the same and I know my father would want us to move on but my God it is so hard. Hope you are doing better. Carmela

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