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Why does he rage?

Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2006

My name is Mary Ann. I am sorry this is so long but if someone can help.....
The love of my life, Matt,just had surgery for Testicular Cancer. He is 40 years old and first found out there was a problem when they did a pre-employment physical and found a lump.The doctor told him he must see a urologist immediately as she was 85% certain it was cancer. This was in September.He didn't take that job so was forced to wait to get examined by a urologist as he had no insurance. When his insurance finally kicked in on the position he did take it wasn't until this Jan.All along the lump was growing bigger and bigger and becoming more and more painful. Finally on Jan. 5th we took him to his first appt. with a urologist. On Jan 6th he was scheduled for emergancy surgery to remove both what was now considered a tumor and the testicle. He was such a trooper during this day. For a man to go in one day and see a doctor and rely on that doctor to save his life the next had to be horrific! However he just kept saying, I am glad it is done and I feel fine. But now it is only one week since the surgery and for the last 4 days he has been in a rage. On the day of his surgery (which they did on an outpatient basis, just gotta love the insurance companies)when he came home he went into immediate pain. You see when they went in to remove the tumor and testicle, they found another mass. Only this mass was not a tumor, it was the other testicle that never dropped when he was a child and he was told many years ago that the doctor who did surgery on him as a child, removed that one. So because this doctor had to remove that mass as well, this would cause him further pain. The doctor only perscribed Vicoden and Matt had an allergic reaction. So here we were on a Friday night unable to get something for the pain. There was a 5 hour wait in the ER and the on call attending could not perscribe any narcotics over the phone. Needless to say, we were up all night and all I could do was to hold him and pray. The next morning I finally made my point and in the next two minutes the doctor was on the phone willing to meet me at the hospital and perscribe something stronger and something to put him to sleep. Now after four long days, I am the target of rages and foul language. He is mean all day long and so high from the medicine he actually tried to get up and get in his vehicle because he was certain that I was some evil person that did not support him. Everytime I tried to comfort him or have to run to the store for something he would call me on my cell and start raging. This got so bad I became a bit fearful of him. We do not have many friends here in Phoenix, and his best friend has been a great help when it comes to trying to communicate to Matt that as a man it is okay to be afraid. Which is what I have begun to believe that he is just afraid. Who wouldn't be? But still, how do I help him not to be so fearful? We all know that anger comes from fear. So when I try to be supportive he just yells at me and curses at me and curses his parents for not being supportive. It is I who have been looking for support through this God-send of a website, just to find something he can read and understand that he is not alone. I have been looking into many local support groups we can go to, but while he says he would go. I just don't see it happening. When I mention the next support group, he says "I feel fine, I am not going through anything". So what now? What can I do? He is just so darn angry I am at a loss here. I admit, I need your help......

Anonymous user (not verified)

Maryann, I just read your message posted 5 days ago. I am touched and saddened by your situation and I sincerely hope you and your husband have found some relief and resolution by now.
I cared for my mother for the last 9 years of her life. She was managable until the last couple of years when she developed senile dementia and
became very negative and uncooperative.
I eventually learned not to take her anger personally. She wasn't mad at ME, she was just MAD. However, if your husband's anger poses a threat to your physical well-being I would advise you to seek professional help. You MUST keep yourself safe in order to care for him. Support groups can be very valuable but they cannot offer protection when that is what is needed.
If your husband is displaying traits that are foreign to his usual character (foul language, etc.) I would talk to his health providers about changing his medication. You might also ask them about medication for depression.
Another thing I learned from my mother's situation was that it was not logical for me to expect myself to be able to "make it all ok". There was only so much I could do and I had to accept that. Matt will have to come to terms with his fear within himself. You can try to be positive and supportive but you cannot force him to accept his situation.
I am a cancer survivor also and I have found a great deal of support and encouragement on the Cancer Survivor's Network chat room at this site. You and your husband would both be more than welcome to join us there any time. There will be others there from time to time who are going through similar situations. And there are almost always other caregivers to talk to.
May the Lord bless and keep you both and I hope to see you soon in chat.

Posts: 24
Joined: Jun 2006

Is it just the two of you, or do you have children? I actually asked the doctors who they sent home with me because my husband was loving and supportive before treatment & now I don't know him. Hang in there!! I have found a star in the sky that I pray to, talk to, and complain to nightly. It helps me. I just don't know how much more abuse I can watch our children receive. Any advice?

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