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I really wish I had someone in my corner, to tell me when to back off

norwegian's picture
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2005

I am a close friend of an abdominal cancer afflicted friend, for 3 yrs now.
I have been loyal and responsive. At times, feel abused, by the dysfunctionality surrounding her, and she has created it.
I visited her on Sunday, and things don't look good to me. She is quite lucid but weak. WHen I asked for information at the nurses station, they said they do not give out information except to the contact person.
this is a difficult situation, in that the people who care for her or would like to care for her,
cannot gain access to what's going on with her.
Maybe she wants it that way. I don't know.

it's possible she is in denial about her condition. I do believe she won't be leaving that hospital, but she seems to think that the chemo is going to work, and she will be able to go home once she regains her strength.
Maybe if they do more surgery and remove the bowel obstruction, she will walk away. But I think this is unlikely.
She told me that they did surgery to place a tube in her stomach or intestine in front of the bowel obstruction, presumably for the nourishment tube.
the chemo is administered intravenously in an arm/wrist.

but my gut tells me this is the time for goodbyes. As her cousin who is a pediatrics doctor said on Saturday, when people are in end-stage diseases, they push other people away. Maybe this is what is happening.
She is thoroughly disgusted with being rebuffed. Even her cousin doesn't know the medical side of things, since Judy the contact person blocks this info from her, or the cancer patient tells the contact person to shield the info. It's a dysfunctional mess, and altho I walked into it last year at her first major hospitalization, I won't do it again this year.

Last night I brought some flowers but hospital staff would not allow them in her room. Her white blood cell count is borderline, and so there is nothing allowed into the room.
SHe is quite lucid, her memory works; we carried on a conversation altho she is very weak.
wants to sit on side of bed, but needs help to do this.

I really wish I had someone in my corner, to tell me when to back off, and just say my good byes from a distance. Grieving takes a lot of energy, and I have to protect my energy as it is.

thank for listening.

Posts: 1560
Joined: May 2006


You may want to consider contacting the American Cancer Society's National Cancer Information Center. They can direct you to resouces to assist you in coping with the stress of having a friend with cancer. They can be reached 24 hours a day at 1-800-227-2345 or by clicking on the "Contact ACS" link at the top of this page.

Take care and be well,

CSN Dana

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