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Also New- anxiety and other problems

Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2005

Hi everyone my name is holly. I was diagnosed with embryonal rhabdomyosarcoma in january 2004 and finished all treatments in May of the same year. I have been cancer free for a little over a year but the mental and emotional aspects are still very much there.
It seems like every time i see or hear anything about cancer it usually ends up with shortness of breath and increased heart rate. I dont know if i would say i suffer from depression because im only sad or down when im alone or not busy. I tend to try to pack my life with stress and over all just being busy to avoid thoughts or real feelings about my cancer.
Unfortunately my tumors were so bad that a hysterectomy was my only option. Being a 20 year old female at the time it seemed unreal. At the time it was the least of my concerns. Now however it kind of messes with my head. When in relationships with guys its almost i feel less like a women/less attractive or desirable because i cant have kids. I feel it holds me back sometimes, and sometimes i feel ashamed of it.
I guess im just lookin for someone who might be able to relate, or someone with some advice or just helpful words.
I know everyone on this site has had terrible experiances and i hope everyone is doing better or at least on their way to recovery.
One of my coaches at college when i was dealing with my cancer always told me a quote and wrote it on everything she gave me...

"god does not put you through what he can not bring you through"

Dont know that quote helped me out many times so thought i would shar it with yall. Thanks for listening

Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2002

I've been cancer-free now for 2.5 yrs (can't believe it's been that long) When I was first in remission, I didn't know how to deal with it-you're told what kind of things to expect when you have cancer but no one ever tells you what to expect when you don't. It sounds stupid to anyone who has never experienced it but when your life revolves around something for a period of time (cancer-Dr. appts, chemo, radiation, drugs, insurance, death, surgery, hospitals, ect.)and then its gone you're kind of left holding the rope with nothing on the other end. People expect you to go back to your life, the way it was before the cancer-what they don't realize is that you've changed, your life is no longer the same. I think it's especially hard for friends who have never dealt with cancer themselves, they want the "old" you-they don't always know the "new" you. I've tried to deal with my new cancer-free life by using my experience to help benefit other people, like replying to these message boards and telling my story at different fundraising events. I'm trying to turn this negative into a positive.

unibal's picture
Posts: 26
Joined: Aug 2003

Hello Holly
Its good to see youve found a place where hopefully you will find the friends it sounds like you need, i dont mean that badly by any means. My name is Richard and i was 19 when i was diagnosed with cancer. Im sorta in the same boat with you, but they say there is a miniscule chance i will be able to have kids, and this is a hard thing to face at such a young age. However not being able to bear children doesnt make less of a woman out of you. You beat cancer, you are strong and courageous. I would love to hear from you sometime, so feel free to email me sometime on hear or my personal email Unibal@hotmail.com, please dont hesitate to let someone here on this site know if there is anything you need to talk about. I've been here for awhile now and most everyone here will do whatever they can to make you feel at home.
~Richard Cowie

Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2005

Holly, I have been cancer free for 8 months. I really can't believe the I've had it....I'm trying to bring my and my family's life back to normal. About 6 months before I was diagnosed, I had a stillborn baby when I was 9 months pregnant. I was 8 days away from delivering her and she is still very much a part of my life and memories. Now, after cancer treatment, we are trying to get pregnant. I don't know how long it will take but am hoping not too long because both my husband and I are very baby-hungry. I am hoping that we can still have children. When I was diagnosed, they didn't give me the option of freezing my ovaries or anything. They told me that we had to hurry with my surgery and radiation. If I am not able to have kids after this, I will be very upset. We also have an almost 4 year old son who we love so very much!

Please know that there are so many little children out there who would love to have you as a mom. Maybe their mom just couldn't handle them at the time or their mom wasn't able to keep them. At any rate, if you think that you can't be a mom just because you can't bear the children, you are wrong. Those little ones will love you no matter what!

Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2005

hey guys thank you all so much for replying. this is the first online support group thing i have actually got an active response from. I know there a several kids out there that need someone to care for them, i am currently working for a residential facility for kids who have had really messed up pasts. I know i would make a great mom at least i hope and i still have my ovaries but at my age its just still areally hard thing to deal with. My doctors and everyone keep tellin me i still have my ovaries so i can still have kids in a way. but at my age it just seems so off and so not normal. I recently realized that i have created a defense mechanism to keep myself incredably busy to keep my mind off of anything associated with cancer or anything. When im not busy, stressed or entertained my mind wonders and i feel engulfed in my thoughts. I dont know i just feel so lost sometimes and wish that all the thoughts would go away and i could be normal again. Anyone else feel that way.

Unibal you seem like a great guy and i would love to keep in touch with you. your humor and outlook on your situation seem incredibal.

sherra thank you so much for your response it was great to hear another story and how you dealt with ityou seem to be a really strong individual. thanks. appreciate and would love any comments you might have.

jacndev thanks foryour response also. I know adoption or a serogate mother are always options but just knowing that the normal isnt at an option at such a young age is just hard to deal with im sure you know. i just struggle with the fact that im 22 and had a hysterectomy, cant have my own kids and just feel less then the normal women would... thanks for your support would love to keep in touch.

thanks guys i appreciate it... :}

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