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kangatoo's picture
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Yup..check out the time guys...1.20am...grrrrr!!I think it is about noon your way and I hope some of you guys are lurkin. Right now I have the wierdest feeling. I keep tossing and turning and to be honest I don't know whats happening. Jen has to work so I come here to let her sleep. It would do me no good trying to. I have my scans at 8.30 this am and for some reason this is one of the rare times that I am really scared. I have been NED now for 17 months. Most of you know that I was having a lot of sleeping problems...but that settled down and has not been bad. This week it has all gone haywire again. Probably the first time in ages that the thought of having these tests has gotten to me.(not the tests..thats the easy bit)....it's the results.
I have always been pretty confidant...but tonight...dunno..feel pretty strange. I can't remember the last time I had a whinge.....but right now it would be real nice if any of you could come here n say hi. I don't want to wake Jen and talk....feeling pretty stupid really..and thats the truth. Call it a bad night....I should consider myself lucky really but the mind is playing with me.
Luv Ross n Jen

chynabear's picture
Posts: 483
Joined: Jul 2005

Hey Ross. I'm jumping in and out of the boards. I have my PET/CT scan tomorrow (Thursday) and am also feeling a bit nervous. It makes it easier, though, because my parents are going to take a mini vacation and come to be with me for the day.

I have also suffered bouts of sleeping problems and actually it has gotten better since I have found these boards to read about people just like me and a place to vent my worries and learn that I'm not so "negative" just because I have worries. I have also learned some ways that I can contribute to my health and feel like I am still fighting to keep the cancer out of my body since most of my worries began as soon as treatment ended.

People say to stay busy when I get worried or scared. The thing is that it usually hits right as I lay down to sleep. It's hard to stay busy at that time because I know I need to sleep (I have a little girl to raise and get up with in the morning).

Maybe some suggestions. If you like to read, pick up a new book that looks interesting. Maybe you could try some online games, watch a movie, paint, etc. All things that might break your concentration of worry while allowing Jen to sleep.

Is there any reason you can think of that you may be worried about getting the results back or is it just a case of "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome?


rthornton's picture
Posts: 346
Joined: May 2005

Hi Patricia and Ross.

I can certainly understand how the both of you would be worried about upcoming scans. It would definitely be enough to make me lose sleep!

But maybe the worry is just being human. I do not think that Patricia is being negative when she is worried about scans. Of course there is reason to be concerned, but there is also reason to think that the results will be good.

And for you Ross, 17 months of NED ain't too shabby! In any event, I wish the both of you the best in your next round of scans. Surely you will let us all know the results. And you know that we're all hoping for the best for you guys.


Posts: 35
Joined: Apr 2004

Hi Ross,
Just popped on and saw your post. I will say an extra prayer for you and Patricia. Hang in there and wishing you the best.

kangatoo's picture
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Oh..thank you Patricia and Muggins. I am supposed to be a "macho" man....basically I should "suck it up" so to speak but tonight has been a real pain. Yes Patricia...I have often offered the same advice re; reading, videos etc. I should really take a leaf out of my own book. Yes..it is the waiting I know..it is just that this is the first time in months that I have had this really scared feeling..stupid I know but at the moment...thats how I feel. But then I didn't really need to tell you all that. Just wanted to talk. Thats not to say Jen and I don't talk...we do. But I don't wake her to do it. She will know something is up..she usually wakes and finds me gone then comes out in the puta room asking me whats wrong.
I am thinking of Jamie and Maura tonight...we are holding hands...yu wanna join in?
I am hapy you can have your parents join you Patricia. I do hope that all goes well with you also.
Huggs, Ross n Jen

chynabear's picture
Posts: 483
Joined: Jul 2005

Just because you are a man doesn't mean that you are any weaker because you get scared sometimes. I think more of you because you can voice those fears.

You're right... sometimes we just get scared even though it doesn't make any sense. You know what... we have all been faced with our own mortality and THAT is scary. We are no longer offered the luxury of playing ignorant and thinking we will live forever.

I am very glad that you have Jen to talk to. That is what makes a great relationship. My husband and I talk but we often have different emotions about how to deal with this. He doesn't really understand why I get scared even though all of the news has come back good so far. He feels/believes that as long as the news is good so far, why worry about what "might happen". I guess in a way I wish I could feel like this all of the time. Live more in the moment and not worry so much about what the future may hold for me in regards to this cancer until/unless I get a bad result and then we will deal with it then.

I would love to join in holding hands. I think we could all use it. In the mean time, you don't have to "suck it up" and be so strong all of the time. That's what we're here for... to hold each other up when one of us is feeling down.


scouty's picture
Posts: 1976
Joined: Apr 2004

Darlin, darlin, darlin!!!!!!

You are just human. I haven't slept good lately either but I took a supplement of melatonin last night (only 3 mg) but slept much better. You will be fine honey. The testing always gets to us and some feel more "important" then others but it's all relative. Even though I got good news on Friday, I knew I had my flex sig on Monday and all weekend just knew there was cancer there. AND I got the biopsy results last night and they were clean. Your are so right, it is the ole brain playing with you and lack of sleep doesn't help. But, I have no idea how to prevent it, I'm not sure there is one other then trying to do something that takes your mind off of it. Go for a bike ride honey. It's winter there so cook a comfort meal dinner that takes lots of time and effort.

But mostly know I love you, Jen, and Tessie!!!!!!!

Lisa P.

kangatoo's picture
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Lisa....Honey!!!!Bike ride?????.....what???? Toooo bloody cold this time of mornin!(2.40 am here)
I thought of ringing you sweetie but my voice would carry and that would wake my darlin gal.
I am just feeling really shitty at the moment...yu know how it is. I am not one to ***** but this morning it is getting to me!
I don't think I will be cooking here at this time either. Tessie usually comes out for a snuggle but she is in zzzzzz land too.
You got what!!!!.......Your biopsy came back fine.
Geez my darlin......I am so happy...so..so happy for you!!
"kanga puts arm round Lisa and huggs real tight!!!!!"
I think I will go and put on a dvd.....watching this screen is starting to hurt my eyes.
btw....I pick up my new reading specs. this week. Jen has a pair coming too. We both needed glasses.
luv you babe......always, Ross n Jen

Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi Ross!!!

I am late reading the posts as I had to go to work this morning. I know that it is very difficult taking your own advise at times!!! I don't know if you are sleeping now or not, as it is 1pm here in NJ (USA). You have been stronge for everyone else and now that you need someone to lean on is just fine!!! I have been praying for good results for you. If I can help you getting the clock to roll by you can email me. I am staying in the house for the next few hours do to the heat. It is OK to lean on us for a change. Just don't lean to hard or you will knock me over. Hang in there!!!! Just take one step at a time!!!!! I know that you will get through this!!

All of your friends are here for you and Jen!!!!

Love Always!!!


markatger's picture
Posts: 315
Joined: Feb 2005

Hi Ross,

Sorry to hear about your worries. I am having some as well with surgery coming up next month. The thought of going under and opened up is starting to freak me out. Talking about I think helps me, of course. And gathering information about it.

Thinking of you today and looking forward to your good results.


Posts: 130
Joined: Sep 2004

hi Ross, I know how you feel. Even though my Dad is the one who had the cancer, every time scans came around I feel literally sick to my stomach. To make matters worse, I work in a Pathology department so I see all kinds of recurrent cancers practically 24/7.

I know it is so hard but please try to relax. The scans will be over before you know it and I'm sure everything will be squeaky clean.

I will say an extra prayer for you tonight and again try to relax - EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!


kangatoo's picture
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

I am still here but just replied to Lisa that my eyes are looking "square" now so I will watch a dvd I think. 5 hours to go 'til the scans.
I would email you Sue but need to get off this thing. Everyone helps where thay can Sue.
Maria...you keep reminding us as the time gets closer...your thoughts will be repaid in full.
Rodney, Susana.....thanks so much.....I am leaning on you guys too!
huggs all......I gotta go try put myself to sleep in front of the idiot box.
luv Ross

Posts: 768
Joined: Aug 2004

Kanga Man,

I hope you are getting a little rest by now. I am so sorry you are having trouble sleeping. I've been there. We all have.

Everything is going to be fine. I know. See, I am always right. Never been wrong. Not once. Ever. :)

Seriously, One step at a time. Rest, go do what needs to be done. Then go out to breakfast with your wonderful wife. Head home, relax.

I know how you can get your mind off of the test.

Why not rummble through that top dresser drawer and pull out a spiffy pair of those thongs. THen go do the Aussie version of runnin' butt naked in the rain!!!!!


Love ya, buddy.

Everything is gonna be fine.

All my love,


Posts: 719
Joined: Feb 2005

Wow....the nerves do hit. So sorry you have been tossing and turning; I was as well. About 5:00 a.m. I feel into slumberland....needless to say I am now in a daze.
By now, you are having your scan - so my thoughts go out to you and to Jen. Take care.
Cheers - Maura

Posts: 186
Joined: Nov 2004

Hey Ross...jeez we know how ya' feel. Jerri had a scan last week and she was so worried that the cancer was back...she was miserable. Neither one of us could sleep, we were bitchy and crabby. This cancer is certainly the devil's toy and if he can't get you with the physical cruelties, he'll try to get your mind all screwed up. Don't feel stupid!!

You lean on us as much as you want buddy!!!


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kerry's picture
Posts: 1317
Joined: Jan 2003

Hey Kanga,

I just checked the posts - so sorry about the sleeplessness - that's the pits! We (cancer survivors) always live with the "devil" disease lurking around the corner. I go for tests every 9 weeks and my last 3 tests have been clear (NED), but it doesn't make it easier.

((((((ROSS 'n JEN)))))))) I'm sending lots of hugs your way.

Love ya,


jsabol's picture
Posts: 1156
Joined: Dec 2003

Oh, Kanga,
Sorry to have missed your early post; hope you are sound asleep by now. Those nerves sure do get out of hand; don't you just hate it when they hit?
I usually don't spend much time thinking about my check-ups until the next one, then BAM, I get incredibly nervous. Had to leave work early before my last 3 month check up!
Have you ever tried self hypnosis? some of the relaxation tapes have good techniques. I try it, but first I just go right to a bit of Ativan, and don't beat myself up about needing it. Usually works really well.
My onc is VERY understanding and supportive; says everyone is nervous, but some are more comfortable admitting it.
So....we all know you are an old softie; wouldn't have it any other way! Good luck with the tests. Judy

Moesimo's picture
Posts: 1080
Joined: Aug 2003


I am sending positive vibes via a rainbow. We just had a thunderstorm.

I am 2 years out and still worry about the cancer coming back. I think we all do.


Posts: 1961
Joined: Aug 2003

I have sure experienced those middle of the night "willies". Lying awake, and nothing ever seems good at 4am! I do sometimes take a mild sedative -- which helps. But I don't want to do that every day. More recently I've been trying to be more consistent with guided meditation and hot baths....
I am thinking of all those undergoing tests around now, and especially waiting for results. And wishing all a good rest!

BusterBrown's picture
Posts: 221
Joined: Mar 2005

You bring up a topic which I have yet to personally experience. However, anxiety seems to be very common for those who go back for the 3mo/6mo exams. I often wonder how I'm going to feel when I have to go back for my first post NED exam??? Half of me will be worried sick and the other half won't care because there's nothing I can do about the results. I guess when it's my turn I'll take a big breath, be happy that I got this far, and hope for the best.
Hang in the big fella, you'll be fine.
Stay well...

Posts: 544
Joined: Jun 2004

Hi Ross,
I'm so sorry that you had a sleepless night. I can relate as I didn't sleep well either last night. The whole thing really sucks! By now you've had your scan and are probably waiting for results as am I. I hope that you are able to sleep better tonight and that your tests results are great. We all have to stick together and try not to let test anxiety get the better of us! I know that I make myself nuts over it and the truth is that I have no control over the outcome. If only my mind would believe that!
I"m sending you positive energy!

goldfinch's picture
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

I didn't get to respond til way too late. So sorry for your sleepless night. By now the tests are done for you. Hope you won't have long to wait for the results. Sending positive vibes your way.

kangatoo's picture
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi dear friends. I have to wait 5 days for complete results but my radiologist told me today she did not see anything that would be a worry to her or me. She is not supposed to tell me there and then, I am supposed to await the secalists report. I need to explain also. Firstly, the scans I have 3 monthly are ultrasounds. Over here in oz they don't get much into CT's unless they see something on the scans. I have been concerned about that because the young lady that does my scans each time used to do CT's before she made ultrasounds a specialty. I had a good discussion with her today and she told me that basically the CT's are more expensive although mostly more accurate. The good part about these ultrasound scans is she(Julie-Anne) tells me she is very thorough and knows what to look for, however there is a limit to the ability of the ulltrasound to pick up small tumours under 1 centimetre. She told me that she concentrates very hard on all abdominal organs and tries very hard to get the best pictures(they take still pics. to look at later) She looks at kidneys, spleen, pancreas etc etc but she spends heaps of time on the liver. Today she sat me up so I could see her sounding my liver and she explained all the things she could see...blood vessels, gall bladder etc.
I am thankfull that I am able to have her each time..she is a lovely person and very sympathetic to my concerns. I went straight to Jen's work afterwards and got a little teary telling her that Julie-Anne had said things looked ok to her. It is pretty hard to control emotions as you are all aware. Jen got pretty teary too!
So it is looking good so far.....here's hoping Julie-Anne was right.....by next friday I should know.
Thank you for all your love dear friends...last night was one of the worst, for whatever reason, that I had.
Last night I lost it.....but thankfully all of you understand and have strong shoulders. I can never repay that. Love to you all...and I REALLY mean that!,Ross and Jen

Posts: 708
Joined: May 2004

My friend, sounds like it is all good!! We all get scared and strange around scan time. Our fragility shines through... but it is that same fragility that allows us to embrace the life we do have.

My aunt, breast cancer survivor, told me certain days she feels lucky to have lived through cancer. Now she absorbs life on a different level. I can see what she means.

Doesn't mean I am glad I got the beast... but the good side comes out.

Sleep well, and know how much we care for you. And someone is always awake to listen. jana

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