need dialysis advice

i have renal failure but it feels like cancer cus it won't go away. 2 years ago i had a transplant and just 2 weeks ago it started to reject. i have had so many problems with dialysis that i am faced with a dicision. if i have to go back on long term dialysis i will have to have a fistula in my arm. my left arm is destroyed because of the first one i had before my transplant. i am very scared and worried to have my other arm operated on. i have a permacath in now but it is barely functioning. i dunno what to do. i don't wanna die but i also dunno if i can handle the pain again. i'd like some opinions on what i should do. i am just so scared. worse part is my b-day is soon and i am in this dreaded hospital.