Feeling a little crazy

I was glad to see your post. I'm feeling like if I complain to my doctor again about a pain my situation will become like "the boy who cried wolf" I had Stage 1, hormone positive, grade 2 so I know I have a very good chance of it never coming back again but in the past year I have had a bone scan for a pain in my back and and xray and sonogram for a pain in my leg. Right now I'm deciding whether a pain in my rib is worth telling the doctor about. It's hurt for about a month but only when I press on it and I can't get comfortable when I lie down to sleep. My doctor is good about running tests when I complain but I can't decide whether I should wait to see if the pain gets worse or not. I never hurt anywhere more than a day or two before I had the cancer!

Hey Jackie:

Just saw your post and wanted to encourage you to
try to put some energy into relaxation. That could be focused relaxation techniques, meditation, Yoga, long soaks w/aromatic candles about and your favorite music playing softly...a trip to your favorite art gallery...whatever gets the job done for your particular personality and/or needs on any given day.

We spend so much time caught up in follow up visits, worry about aches and pains, trying to deal with side effects of our treatments and the big one: worry about recurrence/mets, that we really do need to make relaxation a part of our daily routine. It's well worth the effort as it can soothe our spirits, calm our fears and relax our bodies and minds. Otherwise it's far too easy to find ourselves chained to an out-of-control emotional roller coaster which can usurp our joy, and especially our peace.

My attitude is that I know I had aches and pains pre cancer and I fully expect to have them now.
The only difference now, is that if something lasts more than a couple of weeks or gets worse once it begins, if there's redness, swelling or discoloration or intense pain of any kind then I ring my doc. Otherwise, I do as before and give nature time to heal the pulled mucsle, the bruise, or the aching joint.

It's not easy to NOT think that every little thing spells gloom and doom and/or means our cancer is back, following treatment. I also think it's a perfectly natural response to what we've been through. It's all scary stuff. Still, in order to continue to live with peace about us, we must make our best efforts to find balance in every day.

We are all subject to the aches and pains of our human bodies. We still get bursitis, arthritis, tendonitis, bruises, pulled muscles, headaches, stuffy noses, colds, the flu, urinary tract infections, indigestion, cramps...you name it and we get it, at one time or another. After cancer though, we tend to think everything is cancer again and it's tough to get through that minefield and know when to call our docs and when to wait and see. My reasoning is that if it IS something serious at all, it won't go away and then I'll know it's time to call my doc after a few weeks. Unless, as I mentioned before, there is intense pain that won't let up, breathing problems, swelling, redness, ongoing fever that seems not related to a virus, etc.. Also, any bleeding needs addressing right away. Not something to fool around with. I think each of us develops our own set of criteria for when to call and when not to worry. If our docs criticize us, or label us hypo's, then we may need a new doc.

The main thing is that we not spend each and every day in fear/worry. That alone can stress us and actually cause aches and pains, trouble sleeping and focusing, while leaving us irritable and tense all the time. It robs us of our peace and that's one huge theft we must take steps to prevent.

All docs are different in what tests they may or may not routinely do or order in the event of recurrent symptoms. If we're not happy or comfortable with our docs approach, then we must find a new one with whom we can feel comfortable. We pay our physician's for a service and if they aren't delivering to our satisfaction, then it's time to withdraw our business. Simple as that.

It's just SO important to seek and find balance and ways of relaxing, otherwise our whole lives can seem out of kilter. No one can live well in a constant state of hypervigilance and/or fear.

We can get into a negative loop so easily, following treatment, when we're so vulnerable and typically feeling a bit lost. It's a delicate time because we're typically emotionally and physically exhausted/tapped out. We find ourselves maybe feeling abandoned because we're not seeing doctors constantly anymore and that can leave us feeling alone and frightened. Suddenly, we're back to taking care of ourselves and figuring it all out as we go. What's normal, what's not? Should I feel this tired and why does my left knee hurt all the time? What's up with my darned feet these days? I swear, I've got this pain in my rib this morning that wasn't there yesterday...the list goes on and on. Add to that the fact that most of us are just beginning to deal with the emotional impact of our dx and treatment and we need so badly just to heal on that level, so it isn't any mystery that we can become a mess in a hurry!

No one gives us any "exit info" as we complete that last treatment. No one tells us that we'll more than likely feel alone. No one tells us that we're going to have some overwhelming fears to deal with. No one tells us anything about the importance of our future nutrition, exercise and relaxation. No one tells us that we may benefit from counseling to help us find our way out of the fog which cancer and it's treatment can leave many of us fumbling through. Most of us emerge from treatment with more than a few issues and nothing even resembling a road map. Expecting our medical doctors to really be helpful with the emotional wallop cancer packs is a bit much, I think. Typically, they're happy to write a script for an anti-depressant, sleeping aid or whatever but the truth is that they haven't the time or the wherewithal to help us much on the emotional front. They're typically not even good listeners about our emotional issues. It's just not their job really. What IS their job though is to recognize when we may benefit from counseling, etc. and recommend same to us. Some don't even bother doing that though. Just the way the system works in many cases. That leaves it up to us to reason when we may need some help. We know ourselves best and most of us can also rely on family/loved one's to guide us in that direction, when we seem to be stuck. We have many tools at our disposal and must empower ourselves by trial and error as to what works best for us. Love ourselves enough to reach for, even stretch for, the healing we so deserve.

Those thoughts are all applicable to when we've completed treatment and have no known active disease going on.

I think it's very different when we have mets or recurrence and I'd like to say how much I admire Lori's attitude!!! Dealing with many very heavy issues and her determination shines right through all of it! WOW. That just knocks my socks off! My fingers are crossed in such a way for you, Lori, that bone breakage is a possibility!!!
Remember that many, many women survive very well with bone mets, so my hope is that your docs will find no other organs affected and that you may escape the need for additional chemo. Please keep us updated.

Hoping you're feeling better soon Jackie. Hang in there and trust yourself because you CAN find ways to manage the issues. One issue at a time and one day at a time.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink