Having Trouble Bouncing Back

Hi,

It will be a year since my last radiation treatment in June 2004. I had lumpectomy/chemo/rad treatment. I am finding the aftermath harder than the diagnosis or treatment. I don't feel like the same person (which isn't ALL bad; I had some life lessons to learn).

I'm tired and achy. I'm beginning to wonder if it is in my mind. I am 36 years old and before this happened was a Type A personality: driven, great memory for detail and no excuses were acceptable–you just worked as hard as you could, didn't complain, and got the job done. I was somebody that everyone at my work knew they could depend on to always get the job done. In fact, I worked through most of the treatment. But six months after treatment, I am tired of being tired. I started calling in sick and taking vacation at the last minute. My boss is wonderful, but she wants to know when this all is going to "end." After trying to come into work full-time, I asked her if I could work from home(my job is flexible and I did this when I needed to during the treatment). I was able to provide her and Human Resources a doctor's note, so am covered, and she knows I am much too obsessive compulsive to not meet all my deadlines and responsibilities. But I sense her disappointment; as if this is something that I'm bringing on myself or perhaps taking advantage because of my condition. I told her I wish I could give her a date when it all would end, but don't have one and really can't provide her with new and original reasons why I feel this way.

I feel guilt ridden -- it's been almost a year. While I enjoy and appreciate the simpler things in life now and have lots of very happy moments, I can't seem to move beyond the last year and half. I am single and have a mortgage to pay, so there are no fall backs. I need the company's medical benefits and my salary. I feel overwhelmed by my emotions, the things that break and need to be fixed in the house, things as simple as taking my cats to the vet, my bills, and every day family and friend demands. Yes, I did all of this before and during treatment on my own, but I feel like now I need to world to stop so I can catch up. I wish I could find that no-nonsense, no-excuses woman that I used to be.

I imagine the energy level is probably related to depression. I am on antidepression meds. I thought being younger and stronger would give me an upper hand. This just isn't the same body I had before. I'm tired even after a good night rest. And this short-term memory makes me feel out of sorts and flaky. I lose concentration often and it takes me longer to get things done.

I appreciate you listening and it feels good to vent. I know that tomorrow will be a better day. I am so grateful for all I have learned and for finding the cancer at an earlier stage. My college roommate (same age as me; diagnosed six months prior to me) died two weeks ago from her cancer. She left behind a husband and two young children. She worked up to three weeks before she died. I feel like a weakling in comparison. She would have killed for a prognosis as positive as mine. But I just cannot seem to pull myself out of this rut.

Thanks -- This board has given me some comfort. Until I came here, I thought I was still riddled with cancer because I'm still so achy and tired. My oncologist and nurse look at me like I have three heads when I tell them I still don't feel like me. I've stopped trying to get them to address the post-treatment issues, because you have taught me that its like this for many of you, and that doctors really don't have all the right answers all the time.

kbc