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God... give me strength

Posts: 205
Joined: Apr 2005

Some days are just tough for me to get through. I am trying hard to stay strong and positive, but lately I'm living in fear. Fear that the cancer has spread to my lungs...fear that I won't make it. The last few days I can't sleep on my right side. The left side of my head hurts.
Especially by my ear and jaw. My teeth ache. I wonder if it's a sinus infection or an ear infection....or has the cancer spread to my head? Is there hope for me if it's in my lungs now? I feel like I'm climbing this enormous mountain and I just can't seem to get over the top?? With tears in my eyes as I write this I wonder if any of you have felt so mentally worn out and so physically drained. I want to live. I want to play. I just want me healthy again. You don't need to respond....I'm just venting my feelings. You don't really know me. I'm just an on=line person you can't put a face to that is deeply fearful inside. I'm coughing up blood and waiting for the bronchoscopy.... Ok... I think I've said enough.

Posts: 484
Joined: Jan 2005

Please try to hang in there. I wish there was something magical to say to make you feel better but there is not. There are many folks here willing to "listen" and give support, and we all know there are good days and not so good days. This is the place to talk about our fears and vent. Continue to let us know how you are doing. We care.

shmurciakova's picture
Posts: 910
Joined: Dec 2002

Hi Wanda! First of all, I just want to assure you that you are not just a faceless person on the internet. This is a tight knit community of people all going down the same bad road. Of course everyone has different "bumps" along the road, but EVERYONE here I am sure has felt the fear you are talking about. We each have to find ways to overcome it though, because fear will drain you. I have said, that for me at least, the mental aspects of cancer are far more difficult to deal with than the physical.....
At any rate, from what you have said since you have been on this site regarding your lungs, it does not sound like anything I have experienced w/ colon cancer mets to the lungs. I had 2 small nodules removed in October. They first showed up in Feb. and were very tiny (3 + 4 mm). I had not a clue they were there. I could not feel them and was not having any coughing, and so forth that you have described. I backpacked all summer long and could not feel a thing and they did not affect my breathing in any way. The doctors thought they were just granulomas at first. But by October they had grown to 1cm and my PET scan finally came back positive. Thank God they were "encapsulated", so I did not need any more chemo!
To the best of my knowledge the lung mets are usually in the soft tissue of the lungs, not the bronchii.
I am no doctor, so maybe I am wrong, but I would think that this trouble you have w/ your lung is unrelated to cancer.
Please try to let go of the fear and trust that you will get to the bottom of this soon and then you can get all better. I know its really scary, can you get them to bump your test up to an earlier date??
Best of luck to you. Please let us know how things turn our. Take care, Susan.

Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2005

Anything is possible through God! If it has spread to your lungs----YES, something can be done. You are living right now....no matter how hard the days are right now.....YOU are LIVING! Wake up everyday and thank GOD for that day. Not only is this a physical thing....it is VERY mental. Your up, your down......that is exhausting! Celebrate each day and worry about what it is....when it is. I tell me Mom everyday..that is this temporary! This is NOT your life---forever-but just a part of your life. Hang in there, please!

Posts: 106
Joined: Mar 2005

I pray with you and for you, Wanda, "God give her strength, Give her peace, give her comfort. Ease her pain in her body and mind. May She see Your love. Give wisdom to the doctors, and nurses.
Extend her life. Give her endurance and joy in the midst of it all. Thanks for her honest groans-- Embrace her, dear Jesus with your healing power. For YOur glory and the enrichment of our faith.... In Jesus Name, Amen."
You may be faceless but not spiritless. We love your sweet candid spirit. You encourage us with your honesty and we pray for you in love.
Hang in there. Blessings,
neelie C
Keep us posted.

Posts: 205
Joined: Apr 2005

Thank-you all so much. Thank-you Neeliec for your beautiful prayer. I know Neeliec you are starting chemo this week, and I really wish I was there with you. I'm with you in spirit. Keep me posted
how you are. I'll close my eyes...take a deep breath and find the strength to hang in there. This journey isn't easy and I guess that's why I'm here. Thanks for letting me vent. You all can cry on my shoulder any time you need to. Huggs & Prayers ~ Wanda

kangatoo's picture
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Hiya Wanda..coming here is some of the best medicine you can get. Every single person here I would say have expressed the same fears at some time or other. There is absolutely no need for you to keep your feelings to yourself. I am NED at the moment but have tests due in the next wek or so, yet even being NED never takes the fear away. That is the nature of the beast. But the past 2 years coming here as helped me to cope knowing we have a loving "family" that are prepared to support us in good times and bad. "Faceless" people are quite capable of being sincerely supportive of our friends here.
Kanga is sending you a "rainbow" Wanda.......close your eyes and imagine the wonderfull colours..follow them to the end and find not gold, but love at the end of kanga's rainbow!
We pray that your tests allay your fears Wanda.
luv n huggs, kanga n Jen

Posts: 205
Joined: Apr 2005

Ross n Jen, I've only been coming to this site a short time, and already I have loved your support. Everyone here seems to be faceless angels, and I'm always touched by your rainbow and I like your fun side. I rushed out today to get labs done as I found out that early 7:30am Wed (Arizona USA time)I am having the Bronch done. Will be medicated for procedure. Won't know outcome until 19th. Thanks for being there my faceless angels. Luv Wanda

Posts: 238
Joined: Sep 2003

Dearest Shandle,

Know that my heart aches for you and tons of love and warm fuzzies are being sent your way. I'm afraid I don't know the details of your situation but I'm guessing you are experiencing some pulmonary symptoms and you are worried about metastases. You have every right to be afraid and we can all relate to the desperation... We have all been there. But please know, I have had multiple, bilateral lung mets. since September 03. I am ALIVE and doing exceptionally well. They attempted resection in the fall and removed about 20 tumors. Unfortunately, at least 10 tumors remain (or thereabouts). I now also have mediastinal lymphatic involvement. I AM STILL ASYMPTOMATIC... Would never know I have cancer. The only thing that gets me down is treatment. So please know that there is a fair chance that it isn't cancer... Hang onto that hope tight, cause late at night when the mind is whirring, sometimes it's all we have. Please know that I'm not giving empty reassurances or belittling your fear. I really empathize. But there is so much they can do with lung mets... One year and half later and still going strong...

Hang in there and keep us posted. Wishing you peace, happiness and wellness.

Hugs and love,

Posts: 719
Joined: Feb 2005

Dear Wanda,
I am so sorry for your fear and confuson...but so glad that you had the courage to exprss your feelings right here. This is the most supportive site!
I normally feel ill-equiped to comment; I am so new to the siet. But I wish you all fo the strength that I am able to guide your way.
Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well.
Please post again and let us all know how you are feeling.
Wuth love, prayers and good cheer,

Posts: 768
Joined: Aug 2004

Hi Wanda,

I can tell by your postings that you truly are a loving, warm, caring woman.

I am so sorry that you are having difficulties.
We pray for your relief and good health.

JUst a thought here, are you on Oxciliplatin (sp)?
I know when I was on that drug, my jaw hurt so very much. It was almost unbearable. If so, I would bring it to the attention of your oncologist. ( as well as the other symptoms ).

God bless you Wanda. We are here for you.

All my love,


Posts: 205
Joined: Apr 2005

Thanks Andrea, Mura, & Barb. for your support and sharing your thoughts, it brings tears to my eyes....and Barb, as a matter of fact I am currently on a nine week break from the chemo, but yes, I've been on Oxalipatin for the last 10 months. Is this possibily linked to throbbing in my jaw?? I had no idea. Nasty stuff isn't it? What did the Dr. put you on next? Did you get wierd chemo burns too? I've gotten a couple on the inside of my right thigh. It looks like a Target. They do eventually go away, but they itch. Lov n huggs ~ Wanda

Posts: 768
Joined: Aug 2004

Hi Wanda.
I had the jaw pain while I was on the treatment. Although, I could only tolerate 3 treatments before I got off of that stuff.
I went to the old stand by 5FU and Luekovorin. 1 treatment every week for 6 weeks. Repeat. and Repeat again.

I didn't get any rashes, but remember, everyone tolerates chemo and it's side effects differently.
I kept telling my oncologist of side effects that "weren't supposed to happen" on Oxy. Well....guess what....they did. I was getting to the point where I think they didn't believe me.
Whatever. I said a little prayer and asked for some guidance. I chose not to continue it. I never looked back.


Kanort's picture
Posts: 1275
Joined: Jan 2004

Hi Wanda,

I hope you are feeling better. I was on Oxaliplatin (130mg) for the entire 12 treatments. It was tough but I managed to complete it. My jaw would lock up on me right after the administration of oxal. so I would guess that jaw pain might be caused by that drug.

Let us know how you are doing.

Many hugs,


Posts: 205
Joined: Apr 2005

Wow.... had no idea that this drug did that. I called up the cancer center today and spoke with a nurse. She verified the info. Said not much they can do, just take pain meds like Tylenol or something. My jaw has never locked up.. yet. Just mostly on one side too. Crazy nasty stuff. Thanks so much for all the info. Huggs Wanda

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