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Needed Courage!!!

Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004

Hello Everyone!!!!

I am sorry that I haven't posted for awhile but things here have been busy with Dr. appointments. As I said a while ago I made my Dr. appointments to follow through with what I promised Bob that I would. It took me a while to get started and now that I have everything has snow balled. First after the test with the female Dr. 2 mammograms and ultra sounds. I have an appointment with an Oncoligist/Surgeon to find out what the mass in my left breast is for sure. That appointment is this Thursday. Second, I have been having pain in my right side for a few year now and Bob and I decided to get things checked out and Bob went first and the rest is history. I made the appointments to get to the root of the problem as I promised Bob I would. I had ultra sounds and CT scans done of my Abdomen and pelvis they all came back fine. I had an appointment with a GI DR. yesterday. It was an associate that works with Bob's Dr. Needless to say I was a wreck!!!! To put it mildly!!!!! After the exam and she found the spot I saw her face and I knew what she was going to say. Yes, I am having a colonascopy done the day after Easter. So no Easter Brunch for me. After she spoke with Bob's Dr. they both came in and said that they don't usually knock people out for the test but they were going to knock me out. I was so grateful that they were going to as I can on imagin what my state of mind is going to be in. As my blood pressure was very high when they checked it there. They were very nice to me. I apologized for my hysterics. They understood.

So now that I have bent your eye's. I need you guys to tell me that I will be able to get through this!!!! I am so afraid of what they might find. I know that is crazy. I shouldn't worry about it until I find out but my mind just won't shut off!!!!!! My anzioty level is through the roof and I just can't seem to calm down. Our world feel apart doing this test 1yr-3months ago. I remember that day like it was yesterday!!!!

I am trying to stay calm but it just isn't working and that isn't helping the pain in my side right now. So the next couple of weeks are going to be tough to put it mildly. I haven't said a word to Bob's family. I don't want to ruin there Easter. I just don't know how I am going to explain why I can't eat at Easter Brunch.

Sorry that I have gone on and on!!!!!! I am just at the end of my rope and I don't know how to hang on!!!!

Thank You for listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think I am going crazy yet?

Love to All!!!

Hugs and Prayers to everyone!!!!!


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Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004

Hello!!! Thank You for replying!!! I needed to hear from someone right now. That is the only day that they do the general anestiesa. They have one Monday off a month and it is next Monday so that was out and the soonest they could do it was the day after Easter. I am not happy about it and wished it was this Monday so that I could get it over with. I am scared and I am afraid that I will loose my nerve by then.

Thank You again for the quick reply!!!!


kerry's picture
Posts: 1317
Joined: Jan 2003


I know this will be a difficult week for you, but just remember - most of the time the results are good! Also, as you well know, the earlier you find a problem, the easier it is to solve it. Hang in there. We are all here for you and you are in our thoughts and prayers. We'll be waiting to hear more from you about the results.


Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004


Thanks!!! I know you are right!!! Right now it isn't helping. I am loosing it. I miss andneed Bob so badly!!!! I have been searching for him and can't find him. I know that sound crazy. I guess I am just having a bad day and don't know how to get out of this hole that I am in. I am trying but I can't get to the edge to grab a hold of. Bob was my grounding rode and I can't find if. I think that I am going over the deep end.

Thank You for replying!!!!

All my best Sue

2bhealed's picture
Posts: 2085
Joined: Dec 2001


the biggest hug for you!

so hon, try some yoga breathing and visualize whatever is giving you pain that Jesus will go in there and heal it with His touch. I used to do this (nothing like a born-again Jesus freak sounding like a flakey new-ager! haha!!) and it was VERY comforting and calming. I would lay on the floor on my sticky mat and visualize Him going through my whole body system by system and removing anything unhealthy and disease promoting.

I am putting you in my prayer journal. I had NO idea that you were going through all this. Geez how did I miss all this??

Easter is all about RESURRECTION and DEFEATING DEATH!! So there you go. You can spend Easter fasting and praying and we will be praying for you too, ok?

Keep us posted.

peace, emily who actually visualized Jesus riding on her dogsled while he was running through her body doing all His healing (don't laugh!! haha-ok--never mind--I laughed-- you can too!).

goldfinch's picture
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

I cannot believe that you are going through this. Life is just so unfair!
The waiting period is definitely the worse.

Concentrate on that deep breathing that Emily mentioned. I like to picture green (the shade of leaves) energy flowing in with the in breath. I think of green as healing. Maybe it will help with the pain.

If there is one thing you have proven here, it's that you have the strength to get through anything. It's not right that you have to draw on that strength so soon, but I know you will make it through this week.

I'll be thinking of you this whole week while you go through the waiting and will be thinking only good results for you.

Posts: 756
Joined: Jul 2004

hi sue,
sorry you have to deal with this. my wife went for mass in breast but turned out to be nothing thank god. both you and bob are strong people, you will make it through this. keep the faith.
all the best

Posts: 708
Joined: May 2004

OH MY GOSH... you have already been through so much.... Bob is so proud of you for getting everything checked out. I agree with Emily; just try to relax and calm yourself as best you can. I also LOVE yoga and the breathing. I'm not a Jesus freak, I actually picture a pacman creature running through my blood killing all the cancer cells. (Yes, I am a child of the 80's video games.)

As for Easter, talk to some of the family and try to schedule an easter feast on the sat before. I'm sure you have plenty of loving family, as you are such a loving person. Allow yourself to lean on others so you don't self destruct. Bob would want you to find people/family to help support you!

It is OK and NORMAL to freak out with all of this. My heart goes out to you. You will beat this. You have caring doctors, who are willing to knock you out! :)

Take care, and take some deep soothing breaths. This too shall pass. love, jana

kangatoo's picture
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Sue, sweetheart, you need all the support you can get. Easter is a time for reflection and celebration. It is a time for us all to come together with our loved ones. I do think that you should tell your family how you are feeling and if you are honest about it they will not begrudge their easter being upset by your news. Indeed this is a time for them to support you..and I am sure they will.
Either way Sue they will sense that something is not as it should be. True family share at easter.that means share the pain too!
However much we want you to relax it is still difficult but we are here and sharing too Sue
Close your eyes sweetie...visualise Kanga's rainbow...and the love that is there for you!

Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004

The basket case is still here!!!

Good Morning!!! I'm sorry about going off the deep end!!! I am a little better this morning. I am not crying yet. Thank You all for caring about me even with everything you guys are going through yourselves!!! I will do my best to get through each day one at a time. I pray everyday sometime all day as I drive down the road. I guess it is just reality hitting me in the face again!! I can't run away from this this time and I just have to get the strength to get through this and hope at the end I will be able to get out of this awful hole that I am in.
I was up most of the night with my mind spinning. I have to find a new grounding rod to hold on to. I just don't know what it is. Love Sue

Posts: 708
Joined: May 2004

Speaking of up all night... ask the kind doctors for something to help you sleep. I NEEDED it when I was first diagnosed. Simply because the quiet nights are when the mind can go crazy.

Just a thought. Stay well and strong! jana

alihamilton's picture
Posts: 348
Joined: Jan 2004

Dear Sue,

I do so hope that everything goes well with your tests this week! You have been through so much and have shown such courage. Sending loads of positive vibes your way! Don't worry....Bob is right by your side, proudly admiring your courage.

Love, Ali

Moesimo's picture
Posts: 1079
Joined: Aug 2003

I will pray for you that you come through the tests with flying colors. Try not to worry too much. I know that is easier said than done. you will be in my prayers.


spongebob's picture
Posts: 2599
Joined: Apr 2003

Sue -

You know you came to the right place for some comfort and some advice - of course we're all crazy so we're not really qualified to evaluate your last comment/question about your being crazy.

Safe to just assume since you hang out with us that you are and it's OK.

As for your tests, I know Bob would be pleased and proud to see you taking an active role in your health. Keep it up. Remember this about the scope:

1. be sure they do a colonoscopy and not a flex sig.

2. The prep is worse than the procedure - Fleets ice cold with ice cold margarita mix works great; 1:1 mix ratio.

3. We're always here for ya, darlin' - you'll be good.

Love ya

- Sponge

Posts: 835
Joined: Apr 2004

Great to see you being active about sorting ourt these problems and doubts- otherwise they would have kept eating away at you. Your fear is natural and we can all understand it. I hope it all works out and I admire your bravery facing up to all of this.
Let us know how things pan out,

Kanort's picture
Posts: 1275
Joined: Jan 2004

Hi Sue,

I am so sorry about these latest struggles. I will be thinking of you this week while hoping and praying that all will be well. You have already shown your strength and courage and they will help you through these latest trials. Please know that we are all here for you.



Btrcup's picture
Posts: 287
Joined: Jun 2004

Sue, you will be in our prayers & thoughts.

Linda (Baltimore, formerly from NJ)

Posts: 105
Joined: Apr 2004

Sue, I cant think of anything else to say that hasnt already been said. Emily and Kanga in particular are right on! Bob would be so proud of you taking care of yourself like this. And your pain could be diverticulitus...try to take this one day at a time and enjoy the day you are in, not thinking to far past this day. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I know you will tell us as soon as you hear anything.
Love and prayers

grandma047's picture
Posts: 381
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi Sue, I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I've been in the hospital again. I love you and pray for you all the time. You can find Bob. He is in your heart always, so you don't have to look too far. I know you miss him and I feel so bad for you. Write me anytime you need to. I'll always be here for you. If you're not able to reach me(if I'm in the hospital again) then email my daughter and she'll get in touch with me. Her email is shoptiludropdiva@aol.com. Mine is grandma047@aol.com. Again, I'm always here for you.
Love and prayers, Judy(grandma047)

jsabol's picture
Posts: 1156
Joined: Dec 2003

Hi Sue, Hope that you are finding the courage you need to get through this...remember the cowardly lion; you surely have it in you, after all you've been through, whether you realize it or not. I try to find some little, good things to focus on to get through the waiting and worrying.
Keeping you in my prayers; keep us posted. Judy

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