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I'm being pushed away

Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2004

I'm 43...my beloved with Renal Cell Carcinoma is 56. We met 13 months ago after both suffering tragic losses. He, his wife of 34 years, me, my partner of 12 years.(neither loss was due to cancer). He was very open about his cancer when we met, never hiding anything. I fell in love with him very quickly. He became a very bright light in my life,
Since Xmas 2004 I noticed a change in him...tried to talk about it, but he began distancing himself from me.
I had a very stressful year...loss of a partner, financial worries, loss of my job, selling my home and moving in w/ elderly parents. I will not lie, my emotions were spiraling downward.
He has told me he needs time...I have obliged.
I'm so worried about him and I miss my friend.
I have researched many cancer sites and have decided he probably felt overwhelmed with my drama as he was dealing with life and death himself.
I have soul searched and have decided as awful as all my issues were for the past year, they certainly pale in comparison to his cancer.
I really want him back. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, no matter how long that will be.
Any advice to someone who's new at this? My heart is breaking.

Posts: 3
Joined: Sep 2003

I am 38 years old and have two children. My husband is 42 years old and has battling anal cancer for the past year and a half. On December 14, 2004 he was diagnosed as terminal. I do not know your situation but I do know how important it is for him to just know you are there for him. My husband has had his times where he doesn't want to talk and I accept it. I don't know how spiritual you are, but my faith in God has also gotten me through this. I know He is control and He will do what has to be done. We can't argue with Him because He will always win. Just stay strong and continue to let him know you are there for him always. I know how difficult it is firsthand but stay strong. Every one has different ways of dealing with Cancer and we just have to be there for them to support and to love them, no matter what. May God Bless You!

Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2006

Hello there. Im new at this too. I just wanted to let you know if you didnt already that 'distancing' seems to be a very common reaction in cancer sufferers. My father has pushed my mother and to a lesser extent his sons away from him emotionally. It seems a very male thing to do.

The thing i really wanted to say was that YOU are suffering too. Having cancer, i can only imagine, is a profoundly difficult experience emotionally. That does not mean the carer should inevitably sacrifice their own needs to those of the sufferer. Try to be honest about your own feelings even if they might upset your partner in the short term; repression will surely embitter you... I feel awfully presumptous offering advice to someone i dont know who is in a different situation to me; but i hope this has been of some use

Posts: 3
Joined: Dec 2008

i just responded to one on where do we draw the line?, and then i scroll down and saw that maybe these feelings i'm having is.....normal? but how do i know whether he's trying to get rid of me or just trying to deal with his cancer? i have been jumping through hoops after hoops, degrading myself to please him and i reallyt want to make him suffer more than he already is or leave and how whether suicide or up and gone doesn't seem to matter anymore to me. i feel like i'll be a lowlife mf for leaving him while he's going through this, but i don't know where to draw the line. it's HIS HOUSE, so when he gets impatient 'cause i didn't understand what he wrote or said using his voicemachine, i get thrown out, or if i don't give him oral sex, like twice a day, i get thrown out but not b4 he emotionally, mentally abuse me to where i want to lash out towards him or myself.

tasha_111's picture
Posts: 2081
Joined: Oct 2008

This is bad. My so called "Better half" is the same. You already know that this is mental sexual and verbal abuse, But what to do eh? If you feel you can leave...GO, You do not have to put up with this. It is not your fault he is ill, he is just looking for a punchbag. My husband left me halfway through chemo. He griped and moaned about taking me to treatments and was thoroughly awful through all of it.........I cannot leave him, as I love him, BUT if he was demanding THAT every day twice.......well I would think about getting the next plane back to England. Good luck Hun HUGGS!

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