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Advice anyone?

Posts: 5
Joined: Nov 2004

Hi, as I read through these messages, it gives me a sense of relief that neither I nor my husband are unique in our feelings. My husband was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease in March of this year and underwent chemo and rad. He has now been disease free since July. Unfortunately, we are both still suffering. I feel as if he could care less that I am here for him. He is so bitter and his attitude is overwhelmingly negative. I know that this is to be expected, but dealing with it on a daily basis is draining. He basically thinks that it doesn't matter what you do, bad things will happen so why even try. I know that he is depressed and would probably benefit from antidepressants but he won't admit that he needs them. Our relationship teeters on the edge. I just don't know what to do.

Part of me feels so guilty for being angry with him. He can't help it, but how do you deal with anger day in and day out. Never knowing if it will be a good day or a bad one? I have suggested therapy, but he will have none of it. He thinks we're fighting because we are childish. WHat I really wonder is if my feelings do count? I want to be as supportive as I can and help him through this trying time. Does that mean being selflish for a while and just giving him what he needs? Please someone tell me what to do!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 1560
Joined: May 2006

My husband had stage four pancreatic cancer, he was diagnosed in April........and passed away on the ninteenth of Oct. He was sweet, loving and as cheerful as he could possibly be...he never gave in to bitterness and negativity, we all loved him dearly for that...you know your husband should be thankful that he is still here.....able to breath, hold his loved ones close, kiss his children and wife, just watch a sunset, smell the rain, hold hands with someone who has been there for him. Yes bad things do happen, but you know so did something good.....he survived, that alone is a blessing...maybe it was a wake up call that you better enjoy and make your life count, all you have when your gone is the legacy you leave, it can be one of love, hope, tenderness and hope, or anger, bitterness and hate. You don't feel guilty for being angry with him...you have gone through this with him, have had panic attacks, not been able to sleep and just have hurt to the core too....and been afraid. It hasn't just happend to him......you are a casualty of it too. Just because he has been ill doesn't give him the right to treat you badly.....he will only do what you allow him to do to you......Yes your feelings do count.....tell him how it makes you feel when he is so angry and bitter........tell him he has recieved a blessing .......a good thing.......my husband didn't make it.....he was couragous and loving to the end.........I would have loved to have him here....don't waste time being bitter when you have been given a clean bill of health...live your life with JOY you have a life ..........love and prayers to both of you, Katie

Posts: 5
Joined: Nov 2004


I am so sorry about your husband. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

The exact words that you wrote are what I received from his cancer experience. For me, it was like a wake up call that we had better enjoy each day to it's fullest because you never know what the next day will bring. YOu never know if a loved one will be torn away from you or if you'll be torn away from your loved one.

I get strength from your words and I thank you for that.

Posts: 6
Joined: Oct 2004

My wife of 36 years old was diagnosed with breast cancer, went through sixteen weeks of chemo and radiation, upon which it prompty metasticized to the lining of her brain (meninges)

There is no cure, not even a radical thing like stem cell. You just hope it doesn't come back and if it does they won't have to give her so much chemo directly to her brain that we won't know her.

I have 3 kids, 9-boy, 7-boy, 6-girl and a very demanding career, and as horrible as this is, I will not allow our time together, or what is left of it, to be invaded by this horrible disease any more than it already has.

We cry together, struggle together, and do all we can to enjoy each day, which is easy to say and VERY hard to do.

Hang in there. Noone can make your decisions for you, but open communication is the only chance.

It is always hard, and always worth it. It is her only comfort.

Posts: 41
Joined: Dec 2004

Hello ainsleymom,

There is the same kind of conflict between my husband and myself, since I became his fulltime caregiver. He doesn't appreciate ANYTHING that I do for him, but if it is someone else that does something for him, he keeps thanking them over and over again. I have been his caregiver for almost 10 years and have helped him through his strokes when he couldn't even say his own name or do anything for himself. I was with him through all of his surgeries and now his most recent battle of bladder/prostrate cancer. I helped him change his Ostomy Bag, when he couldn't do it for himself, but by watching me do it he learned how to change it for himself. He just had a Pet Scan and they think that the cancer has spread to other organs. We are just waiting for the results of the scan and the tests.

I didn't cause any of these things to happen to him, but I was and am here to help him through them. He doesn't seem to realize that everyone else went on with their own lifes, but I have stuck it out with him. I don't want any praise from him, but I do want respect and a little "Thank You" occasionally would be nice. With his attitude, it makes me wonder what would have happened, if the shoe was on the other foot and if it had of been me that was needing HIS help. I wonder if I could have counted on him. No, quite frankly, I do not think that I could count on him doing the things that I have done for him. I would have been put in a nursing home,if it had of been me with the illnesses and HE was the caregiver. The Caregivers just want some respect, and not to be treated as if WE are to blame for the other person's illness. We are there for them, when no one else is there. I wish that they would remember that fact.


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