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Hello! Just venting.

Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2004

My mom was diagnosed April 2003 with stage 4 laryngeal cancer. She had a long hospitalization after her laryngectomy with several complications. After 3 months in the hospital she went to rehab...then radiation began. I guess for me, I have a lot of mixed emotions. Not only dealing with the idea that I may loose my mother but anger and frustration. Anger on the part that "Why is this happening to me" bit and the fact I totally focus a great majority of time to caregiving. I was married for a little over a year when she was diagnosed and for a good portion of a year after her diagnosis I would only see my husband in passing three times a week for about 15 minutes. I want to start a family, but feel guilty because I don't want it to distract my attention from my mother... I get angry with my siblings because they haven't taken responsibilty in helping with her care (except one, on the days I work) And then when I do have a family member help out and I am spending time with my husband, I can't relax and let it go...she's always on my mind... I also get angry with the fact that family and friends were around the first month or so after she was diagnosed and have disappeared...no calls...no encouragement...
I get so mad at them because I think to myself, "I thought you loved her and cared about her. Why aren't you around in her time when she needs people? Where are you when I need you?" I get angry when I see my brother/sister living their normal lives...

At least I have these precious moments to share with my mother that I'll always cherish. But it's hard to get through it at times.

Is it normal to have these feelings? Just need some reassurance.


Posts: 25
Joined: Mar 2004

Maisara - it is so normal to feel the way you do and my heart goes out to you. My suggest would be to have a meeting with all your siblings, express how you feel and set up some type of schedule for each of you to take care of your mother. You have just as much right as they do to spend time with your family/husband. I have learned with having cancer that yes you realize who your friends are, but I have also learned to ask for help for my husband and my children. You shouldn't have to go it alone. Please keep in touch as to how you are doing and how your mom is doing as well.

Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2004

Hi Maisara. Your email touched me, because I have been in a similar situation.
I lost my mother and a sister to breast cancer. I have two living sisters. My hurt pounds and my stomach starts churning when I think about putting these words down.

During my mother's final hospitalization, my siblings seemed to turn into people I had never known. I believed that they were the closest relationships in my life (excluding my husband). In the hospital, I was ignored and criticized for any actions. This was an ongoing situation. I made too much noise drinking a coke, I didn't get the water warm enough for Mom to brush her teeth, I should not have stayed overnight, and on and on. I was told I was "never there," despite the fact that I tried to be there every three weeks. I would have given anything in my power to be there more than the 3 week visits I could make.

When Mom finally left this world, my siblings tore me up in a private discussion of my faults.

I am not so naive as to believe I am perfect, I know there ae enought faults that need correcting. But I was devastated to learn of their castigation. I have tried to overcome and put behind me the hurtful things. Mom died in 2002 and our relationship is still too strained to describe.

If you have the opportunity to work things out with your family now, please do it. I do not truly believe their is hope of repairing my family relationships, but maybe my story will help you.

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