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Joined: Jul 2004

I'm starting this group for people just like me. Maybe, by writing this, and by you reading this and share your stories, we can get through this grief together. Though, I am 38 years old, tomorrow turning the dreaded 39 and holding, I still consider myself an orphan at this age. It has been a little over 3 years since my mom died and I will admit, it has not gotten easier, in fact it has gotten worse. My mom raised me by herself at a time when single mothers was not the "in" thing. Mom had it rough but she did it. I think that she did a damn good job. I have no siblings and never met my father, though I had found out very young that he died when I was six. My mom and I had more than a mother/daughter relationship. We were and will always be best friends. It's amazing, after all this time, just writing that line still gives me a lump in my throat and makes me cry. There are so many emotions I continue to experience on a daily basis. I still find myself questioning myself, "Did I do everything I could?" "Was I a good daughter?" "Why couldn't it have been me instead?" I lived with her for he last six months of her life and I thank GOD everyday that I did make that move. Yet, I still feel that I've been robbed. I wasn't finished yet. There were so many more things that we needed to experience together. To me it's not fair that not only do I not have her physical being around, but I no longer have that daily phone call. Even though at times she could be a nudge. Like for instance, this week she would have given me a birthday card every day. Or call me at the exact time I was born. I haven't had that for three years and I miss it. The death of your only parent throws you into adulthood regardless if you are ready or not. I know that I was well into adulthood when she died, but, that one person who had been your cheerleader all your life is no longer there. It's not an easy thing to become an orphan. The holidays are no longer an anticipated event. Though, I have tried to continue the tradition. My heart is just not in it. I know that this may sound like rambling nonsense, but it is everything that has been inside of me. I know that there must be other only children out there going through the same emotions or something similar. Though I am in a committed relationship with my partner, she will never understand the magnitude of this grief experience. If there is anyone out there who sees themselves in this message please feel free to contact me. I need to get to the next step of the grieving process. I have been stagnant for too long. I dont ever want anyone to go through this alone, it's just too painful. We might be only children, but we dont have to be alone.

Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004

Hello!! My name is Sue and I just wrote a post and read yours afterwards and boy did I get a flash back. I know how you are feeling. I am not an only child but you could say I was as my father never cared about me or my 3 brothers and my one sister. I never got along with any of them really as I lost my mother when I was 13 years old and moved out on my own then. My mother was my best friend and confidont(spelling). To this day I try to connect with my remaining family to no avail. To this day which it has been almost 35 years I still miss my mother terribly. Just writing this I am getting chocked up. My husband is very supportive and realizes how I feel. What makes it really hard is that my husband is dieing of the same cancer that my mother had. I took care of her even though I was 13 and now I am trying to do my best to care for my husband. I feel like I am living that nightmare all over again and I am having a very difficult time of it.I was alone then and I am aloe now even though I have 2 beautiful children that feel as though if they stay away eveything will be ok. I hate to say it that it really doesn't get any easier. You fill the day with your normal routine and then you get hit right in the face with the past and present. What helps me is that I love gardening as my mother did so I think of her everyday with happy thoughts as I work in my garden and take care of all my flowers. Happy memories get me through the rough time.
I am so glad that someone is willing to talk about this as I thought that it was me being emotional. I will try to read this everyday to talk if you want to. You will be ok it takes ALOT of time!!!! Sue

Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2004

hello my name is rich and my mother died from breast cancer 5 years ago. it was the second time she had it and just could not beat it again. i had no intention of writing on this board but it feel i had to. everyday i think about her maybe only for a moment but when i do all i can feel is guilt and heartache. i remember how i acted towards her at the end. i was a teenager and could not comprehend what was happening. i think i saw her maybe 5 times in the last month of her life and i can never forgive myself for it. she gave up everything for me and my brother. my mom was a single mother who worked jobs she hated just so we could have cool clothes(grade schools kids can be cruel). i always thought the pain would pass and i could move on with my life. however, i have come to realize that i will always feel this way. that a part of my heart will always be empty and it is ok to feel this way. i always wish i had one more day with her, so i could tell her how much i loved her and that i will never forget her.

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