New, 45, BC Mets to Lung plus Divorce!

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wendeebee
wendeebee Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I'm new this forum. I am in my third month of weekly taxol/carbo/herceptin treatments. The 6 cm lump in my breast has shrunk so much it has all but disappeared. The BC must have metastasized before I even discovered the lump as it was already in both lungs and the lymph nodes in my chest. This is a very aggressive and invasive BC. I had only one measurable nodule in my right lung and my last CT scan showed it has shrunk from 2 cm to less than 1 cm. But apparently there were many very small nodules as well.

I guess this is good news, but I can't stop thinking about the hopelessness of it all. The words "there is no cure" are constantly ringing in my head. My med onco talks like there is no real purpose in removing the cancer from my breast because they can't remove what's in my lungs. I don't know what to do, what to think or how to feel any more. I mean is it all so hopeless? What will happen when the chemo stops? Will the cancer come right back?

If this all wasn't enough, right before I discovered the lump, my dad passed away and I discovered my husband was having an affair with my cousin. God, my life sounds like a bad Springer episode.

After 25 years of marriage I have been left totally alone to face this devastating disease, while trying to console my two children - who fear they are going to lose the only parent they have left. My husband has abandoned, rejected and completely walked away from me and our two children: daughter 23 and son 18. He has completely turned his back on us all - and yes he does know I'm sick. He has changed his phone number and will not talk to either of his children. He did this, only after brutally assaulting me, punching, beating and choking me until I passed out. Each time our daughter tried to pull him off of me, he punched her in the face or head. All because I had the nerve to catch him cheating with my cousin! The betrayal I feel because she is my cousin is too much. Her parents' lack of condemnation of their affair is devastating. Their affair has torn my family apart. This came so soon on the heels of my dad's sudden heart attack which left him on life support for two weeks before we finally made the decision to remove it. Nobody should ever have to endure the emotional and physical turmoil I have been through. But there is no alternative but to keep going on.

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. It's BS I'm not strong - there's just no other alternative but to try to move on. I feel like I have finally reached the end of my rope. How can it be that I have always done what I should do, I've always been the good girl that followed all the rules - yet I'm left to die alone, while these two heartless beings are allowed to live their lives with no accountability?

I am fighting never ending legal battles while trying to get well. Recently, the county dismissed the assault charges against my STBXH, so he walks away with no accountability again. Luckily the lead prosecutor for the state has decided to take my case on and is preparing state charges against him. All while he harrasses me through the legal system. After receiving news that I have Stage IV cancer, I called him - ignoring the fact that we both have restraining orders. For God's sake, our children needed some emotional support from their father . . . they were trying to come to grips with my diagnosis. The low life called the police and told them I broke the restraining order - now I have to appear in court! Next week I have another court date for the divorce - I can't get a divorce, I was a SAHM when he walked out and my only source of medical insurance is through his job. God, I don't know how this has all happened . . . I don't even recognize my life any more.

I am having such a hard time thinking about the future, I catch myself and wonder how much future do I really have? I'm tired of being strong, I just want somebody to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay.

wendeebee

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  • dtrofgrace
    dtrofgrace Member Posts: 9
    #2
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    I'm so sorry you're going through all this. My story is in many ways so much like yours, although my cancer was just stage II. I was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago. My husband left me for another woman 2 weeks after the surgery. I was also a stay-at-home mom for 23 years of marriage. My kids were 17 & 20. Everyone also told me how strong I was. I didn't feel strong at all. My doctors kept telling me to forget about everything else and just take care of myself. That's hard to do when your world is crumbling around you. My faith in God was what got me through.
    I'm new to this forum, but I've read many posts from those who have dealt with mets, and I know they'll have some good advice.
    I'm praying for you.
    Lynn
  • SDM1984
    SDM1984 Member Posts: 7
    #3
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    I'm very sorry to hear about your circumstances. I know your situation is overwhelming, but you must never give up having hope. Take a deep breath and remember you are not alone, you have your kids and God is always by your side. My 8 year old son says "God will protect you" and he is right.

    It sounds like your STBXH is nothing but poison in your life. He needs to be punished for what he did and I'm sure that will work out. I know it will be hard, but try not to let his affair consume you. You don't need that kind of stress right now. Focus on being positive. Fight the cancer with all your might and you will be fine. It can, and has been done. Try to remember stories of inspiration such as that of Lance Armstrong. His story is truly inspiring.

    Take one day at a time, God bless you and never give up hope.
    Sharon
  • lindamarie53
    lindamarie53 Member Posts: 16
    #4
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    Wendeebee,

    I'm fairly new to the message boards, but I've been dealing with Stage IV colon cancer and a divorce for over two years. My husband left me six months (after a long and rocky marriage) before I was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer with multiple mets to my liver and duodenum. My two children who are in their early twenties are the only local family I have, and it has been so hard going through this "alone." My husband has not abandoned his relationship with the children, but he was in a relationship with another woman when this happened to me, and though my children needed his support (long distance--he no longer lives in the area), he made a big point of how important his new relationship was. I too have always tried to do what was right--was a good and faithful wife and mother, etc. But was it right to stay in a marriage that caused me so much stress that I actually feared that it might make me sick? As much as I hate being "alone" through this, it would have been worse if I were still married. Yet, I know, it is JUST NOT FAIR!

    I've been through a total of 20 months of chemo--with breaks only for two major surgeries and one long bout and hospital stay with a GI infection. All through this, I've had the legal issues of the divorce and selling our house and medical insurance hanging over me, but I try very hard to stay focused on my health and letting go of any anger as it crops up. Easier said than done, but I have been amazed at how well I've coped. Well, what else can we do? Crawl under the blankets or a rock and just stay there? That's not even an option--it doesn't work. Everyone remarks on how strong I am too, but most of the time I just want someone to carry me through all of this.

    I'm glad to had the courage to post your message. There doesn't seem to be enough emotional or even practical support for people who are alone. I'm hoping to use my experience to someday soon make a difference in this way.

    (I also posted a message today on the topic of dating--not much out there on it.)

    Wishing you hope and strength,

    lindamarie53
  • hummingbyrd
    hummingbyrd Member Posts: 950 Member
    #5
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    Well, first of all welcome to the club you never wanted to join! At least here you'll find sympathetic shoulders to cry on and friends faithful unlike anyone you've known before! Let me be the first to give you a BIG (((HUG))). Now let's see what you have to be thankful for...that's where I always start.
    Your BC has responded remarkable well to treatment, you don't have to have surgery and your kids are grown!
    Things are not hopeless, no there is no "cure", but there is a really good chance to treat it chronically; kinda like diabetes. Start doing research, diet, water, rest, exercise and faith in God makes this stuff beatable. Besides arming yourself with knowledge to beat cancer, research will keep you busy thus helping fight depression. Remember, everything happens for a reason, you've just got to open your heart and mind to the possibilities. For that (for me) I go to the Lord in prayer.
    I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, that's a hard loss no matter what, but especially on top of everything else.
    I was diagnosed at age 38 with Parkinson's disease, 10 months later breast cancer, my boys were 11 and 8. I lost my job, had to give up my career as a Physician Assistant, put my house up for sale, filed for divorce (married 17 years with similar circumstances as you plus other things) AND had to move in with my mom and stepdad. I was extremely depressed, but I made it by the grace of God. That was June 2000, I was diagnosed with bone mets August 2001.
    Kids are 15 and 12 now, divorce was the best thing that could have happened to me. I now live on a farm and am hoping to start a women's retreat and possibly a camp for kid's with cancer. I have a website www.urcctc.com Conquering Cancer Through Christ and am happy to say I am more satisfied with my life than ever before...
    I tell you this not boastfully, rather to let you know there is hope. You just have to believe!
    There is an endless amount of possibilities as to what tomorrow holds. It's our responsibility to make it a positive experience!
    Oh yeah, bone met to arm became active again this past October; had it radiated again and it broke in November. It's still broken, but hey, the tumor is gone and I got my left arm still!
    Hope you decide to come visit my website and see what God has done through my tragedy.
    *smile* (((HUGS)))
    hummingbyrd
  • nganga4
    nganga4 Member Posts: 17
    #6
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    Lance Armstrong just won his 6th Tour De France after getting over testicular cancer that had spread to his lungs and his brain. When you think your situation is hopeless, think of Lance Armstrong. Even if you cannot be cured, perhaps you can be controlled sufficiently as to get a decent quality of life. Don't doom yourself to misery but wrest what you can out of life.

    From what you say about your husband, he would have been a drain on whatever resources you have available to you. Get someone who is involved in the social work department of your hospital to work with you and the kids. He or she can help with both practical issues and emotional issues as well.

    Good luck. I will be thinking of you.

    Karen
  • Rachelroxy
    Rachelroxy Member Posts: 1
    #7
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    Hi, today is my first day to this site, and I am amazed already. Wendy, you have had a horrible year, but I just want to point out, honey you are alot stronger than you think you are. For one thing, look what you have waded thru already. The most important thing I can say is to ditto what hummingbyrd said, and give it to the Lord. He has a plan, and no matter what statistics or research or well meaning friends say, it ain't over til God says it is. Try to remain focused on the positive and just hold the Lord's hand while he wades with you thru the negative. Although it may sound cruel, your separation from your ex is a blessing in disguise. Find local support groups to "hold you" in real time, and continue to come back to these sites for your hugs online. Please do not give up, there are too many similiar cases that have gone on to live many productive years. I am newly diagnosed, so I can't give you words of wisdom, other than what I have already said. You may want to contact Cancer Center of America as well, it seems they have done some really fantastic work. Wish we all could hug you in real time, Rachel

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