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28 dx with bc want others to talk to

Posts: 2
Joined: May 2004

I just wanted to see if there were others who would like to share their experiences - to maybe just feel a little less alone. I was 28 in dec. 2003 and starting my 9th month of pregnancy when they diagnosed with me with breast cancer. I had a bilateral mastectomy in february, finished 4 rounds of dose-dense ac chemo, and i am now trying to just come to terms with everything. i have a newborn boy, a 3 year old and 4 year old girls, and a wonderful loving husband. I lost my mother at age 33 from breast cancer and fear I might follow in her footsteps. Even though they caught it before it made it to the lymph nodes, I am er-, grade 3, 2-3 cm tumor, and had a case of er+ dcis in my other breast - which means a worse prognosis for me having two primary cancers. my onc is pretty certain i have one of the brca genes. if i don't, he thinks that there are more brca genes we just haven't recognized yet. so i am dealing with probably damaged dna, or bad tumor supressor genes. i've always been healthy, never smoked, only occassionaly had alcohol, and eaten a relatively decent diet. I feel helpless to prevent myself from a recurrance and almost feel like i have no choice but to live as though i might be gone in 5 years. people always tell me there are no guarantees in life, that they might get killed in a car accident or hit by a bus. i can't help but feel - well at least that would be nice and quick. i also think to myself it would take driving at the indi2000 to match the kinds of odds i have with cancer vs their odds with getting killed in a car accident. it feels so unfair. now i worry about my children and what it may mean for their futures. i can't help but feel the urgency to finish my photo albums, their christmas stockings, quilts, etc. i guess that's the good side of it. we have the chance to say goodbye way in advance if it ever comes to that. i just get a sinking feeling in my stomach when my husband teases me that he wants me to serve him breakfast for the next 30 years. i remind him that we should probably start living life like i may recur in a couple of years - that way i have no regrets and we are prepared if it does happen. i hear how great positive thinking can be, and i have found that if i treat life in this manner, i am happier. it's hard not to be sad about it. but at least i won't have any regrets if i find out the cancer monster is tapping on my shoulder again. anyone else feel like this? i feel like the only one who isn't saying something like 'i have faith it's not going to return'. of course that is what i want with ALLLLLLL my heart and soul. if i could create a star for every wish i made to wish it away, i would fill a galaxy. every day i pray for a miracle to never get cancer again. every hour i wish my life to be free of it. what else can i do to make my life more positive? julie - juliereneemail@yahoo.com - i would love to hear your thoughts

shmurciakova's picture
Posts: 910
Joined: Dec 2002

I know all of this is very scary and the continued testing and doctor visits will be very anxiety filled for a long time to come. I was 31 when I was diagnosed w/ colon cancer and had only been married for 3 months! How shitty is that? I am also quite sure it is due to some type of DNA malfunction although not apparently from any of the know genes that have been isolated thus far. I am now 34 and have been in remission for 9 months. Yea! I guess my advise to you is to focus on your baby, your husband, and the fact that there were no positive nodes, which is a very very good sign. I had 4 positive nodes and had one recurrence, but like I said, so far I have been OK for 9 months. You will learn to stop the negative thinking. Every time a checkup turns out good you will breathe a sigh of relief and then you can carry on w/ your life. It just takes time, I think. Also, I have said this to other people before, every time you start all those thought about "What if I die?" try to turn it into "What if I live!!". There are other mothers here on this site who I hope will respond to you. Also, there are many, many (way too many) people on the breast cancer forum as well.
I hope this helped....take care and take some yoga classes!! -Susan

Posts: 1
Joined: May 2004

Let me applaud you for knowing all the facts you do. Cancer is very confusing. My sister is 34. 5 years ago she was diagnosed with BC and it has been in remission until recently. The difference between you an my sister is you have a family of your own. My sister in single and alone and trying to deal with this.

My advice to you is to simplify your life. Don't put too much emphasis on making everything for everyone just in case you're not around to do it. Stop stressing yourself out. I would spend every possible minute with your husband and children - talking, laughing, being goofy. Whether you do it for 1 year or 100. That's what will mean the most. Go on a quiet picnic. Share your thoughts with your kids and husband. Don't worry about cleaning the house and making albums!

My prayers for you.

Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2002

Naturally you're afraid of the cancer returning (what survivor isn't?) I think sometimes we (cancer patients & survivors) understand more than most how valuable life is and how fast it can be taken away or to say the least dramatically changed. Unfortunatly-anyone's life can end in the blink of an eye and because of that simple fact we ALL should live life to the fullest and tell our friends and family on a regular basis how much they mean to us. You may also benefit from sharing your overwhelming concerns with the doctor, your doc may be able to come up with a plan for you-maybe more regular checkups, even if its just to express your concerns.

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