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Lack of support

Posts: 10
Joined: Feb 2004

This probably sounds petty, but I'm angry at the lack of support from some people in my life. My husband has been wonderful and many of the moms at my kids' school have been great and even my parents who haven't always been there for me have stepped up to the plate and have really surprised me. I guess the ones I am angry at are my husband's folks and his brothers. (My mother-in-law questioned whether I was really going to lose my hair! I wanted to tell her that since 6 out of the 7 drugs I was going to take for chemo list that as a 90% chance, what did she think?!)

We live in the same town and they have not called or even wished me well. And it is hard when we go to family functions and here I am weak and without hair and they hardly acknowledge it let along ask if there is anything we need.
I know that it is hard to know what to do or say when someone is so sick. I'm sure that I was probably like that to some extent before I got sick. And I want to focus on the positive things in my life so I can continue to fight this and stay healthy. But every once in awhile, if they happen to call or want to see the kids, it just ticks me off that they cannot take the time to ask how I am or offer to help.
And yes, all of this did help me to see who I could really count on through all of this. I just had to blow off some steam because I was reminded today of how standoffish they are. And I should be grateful for all the support I have gotten, and I am. I was just hoping we would be closer because of this. But we aren't.

Posts: 75
Joined: Dec 2003

my dad has hodgkins, and I notice some people get really weird. It seems the people you expect to be the most supportive are not, the only people that have been really supportive are my husband 2 other sisters and one of the my sister-in-laws. I have 2 sister-in-laws, the one i'm more closer to seems to rarely call to ask how my dad is its weird. I'm the opposite, I would call all the time and ask if everything is ok I would do anything to make that person feel better. Please don't waste your time and energy on this ****. Your family is all that matters and focus on the supportive and positive people in your life. It's wrong what your inlaws are doing. They sound like cold people. I bet you've always been so good to them too. They certainly must feel bad for there actions. Why doesn't your husband say something to his parents. Let me know how things are going JCM1101@aol.com

Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2003

Know its hard not to have support of your in-laws. I had very little. One of the worst was "if only he had known this before they married he could have said no and not be stuck with a sick young wife"
I ended up in hospital only three months after we were married. Thank goodness we didnt live near them at the time. One sister in law was wonderful and still is. The rest of them still feel so sorry for my husband. We are now years from that time and place and he is still with me. Be thankful your husband is so supportive and your family and to heck with the rest of them Be kind and nice to them as they probably just cannot handle it. I know some people still cannot handle the word CANCER and RUN from anyone with it.

Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2002

I think I know some of what you are feeling. After my diagnose one of my so called "best friends" never even called to see how I was. For all she knew I was dead. What really got me was post-cancer she wanted to keep in contact, forget that where were you when I needed you most. You couldn't call to see how I was then, why bothering calling now? I haven't talked much to her since my remission, I'm hurt that she never called to see how I was. My true friends were great! They called at least once a week and I knew if I needed anything I could depend on them, I hope to return the favor someday.

simonizr's picture
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2003

My inlaws were lame too when I was sick. Thats why they are inlaws. I think it is written somewhere that inlaws HAVE to be lame and a disappointment so we don't love them more then our own family. When I went through treatment a year ago my family stepped up. They rocked! My inlaws could'nt even baby sit our newborn so my wife could get some well needed rest. And about the friend thing, my friends explained that cancer made them nervous and they did'nt understand it or wanted to see me die. Its an escape mechanism. I invited my friends to visit me in the chemo BAR and a few did. They understood more and I love them more for that! Good luck, God bless and ROCK ON!

Posts: 69
Joined: Dec 2003

I can totally understand the lack of support issue. During my treatment the person I thought was my "best friend" was nowhere to be found. She would see me struggle every day to get the kids on and off the school bus but did she ever once help? NO! Not even once. It sounds like you have a lot of support though and for that you should be very happy. My only true support at the time was my sister who lives 2and a half hours away. My husband has his own business and did what he could and my parents were in Florida last winter. We live in Maine. That hurt to have my parents vacationing in Florida while I was up here throwing up every day. I am so grateful for my sister though she is younger than me and she was truly my angel through it all! Be glad for what you do have and don't dwell on what you don't it isn't worth the effort! Best of Luck and Take Care

Posts: 4
Joined: Feb 2004

I know what you mean about not getting support from certain people. The first week I decided to tell everyone about my diagnosis, I saw who would be around and who wouldn't. One of my closest girlfriends since high school told me straight out that she would be scared to see me for fear that I LOOKED sick. I have to tell ya, at times, she has been the one looking sick; w/o having had chemo!!! Since that time, she became totally non-existent, and never one asked how I was, nor did she call. It is my severe hope that these people will never have to endure this type of pain, however, should they have to, I hope they understand how devastating it is to do it alone. Thank God I had family and few friends that supported me along the way, however, I will never forget those that did not. Hang in there, you are not alone. Those who don't talk to you are not the ones that will help you through this. However, the ones that love you will always love you, no matter what!!! Take care.


Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi, I know that it is hard to not have support, when I was diagnosed with Hodgkins the people that I expected to be the most supportive were not. My friends didn't know what to say and many of my relatives thought that if we didn't talk about it then it must not exist. What you need to do is take the support you can get, use it and build on it. Support is not about quanity but about quality. Through my diagnosis and treatment the people that where the most supportive and understood are the people that I really wanted to share my life and experiences with. The others often made me uncomfortable asked questions that were generally born out of fear and lack of knowledge. So my advice is take what you can get but don't waste energy on the ones who are not the most supportive they may not know how to deal with the situation.

AstroLark's picture
Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2004

I know what you mean..the big thing in my family is never show emotion, never let them see you cry. Well, I was only 14 when I was diagnosed, and I was so incredibly scared, but no one would talk to me about it. Not even my mom. I totally thought no one cared until I went in for radiation and just broke down when they told me all the bad effects it could have on my heart and lungs. I mean, I just sat and bawled and my poor dad was like, "Oh, God, help me." well, he didn't say that, but I'm sure it ran through his mind. But he was completely supportive. I don't think he realized how badly I'd been hurting. See, a fault of mine is that I hate to show weakness, I hate to ask for help. So that combined with the horrible fact that I had cancer just built up. Anyway, though, the thing is that I thought no one cared, but once I opened up and let them see just how bad I hurt, I got so much support. Don't worry about sounding selfish, you don't and I'm sure we all know where you're coming from (I do, anyway :)). I hope everything is going better now...peace out :)

Posts: 18
Joined: Jul 2003

Hi, I had chemo in the winter of '94 and '95. My mom and dad and my sisters were there for me. My brother wasn't, he never even called to see how I was doing. We didn't get along growing up, but did for years after I got out of the Army. I didn't miss having any contact with him though, I had something much more important to do, like survive. Hang in there.

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