anger
Comments
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Hi lynne,
I think its pretty safe to say that we all experience this type of anger. And you know what..its OK to feel that way, just don't let it eat you up. I think what you are experiencing is completely normal. I know that after all my treatments, I too went through a sort of "pitty party" for myself and got angry too.
I have gotten extremely forceful in talking to my doctors, if I am not satisfied with the answer then I will simply say that I don't understand, and I will sit there until I am satisfied. No more shrugging my shoulders in acceptance. This is my body and my life and I want my questions and concerns dealt with. My new philosophy is that if I don't get satisfaction, then I will find someone who can answer my questions.
Funny thing Lynne, I also am experiencing some fuzzy hair on my face, which I never had before and believe it or not, it is on my list to go over with the med/onc in Feb.. and also my GYN who I am seeing on Monday. I am curious on why this has happened too.
As far as the baldness, that has to be the worse. Fortunately there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. It has been four months since my last chemo and today I went for my first haircut..yes haircut..lol My hair is great!! Its wavy and now it has a nice trim. I think I will keep it short. (the color is another question)!!!
Before you know it, your hair too will come back and you will be suprised how fast it does.
Curious...how come you declined the radiation?
Take care Lynne and hang in there!
Kris0 -
Lynne, you are experiencing what all of us experience at times. I finished chemo December 1, 2003 and am receiving radiation now. I too would like some guarantee that what I am going through will take care of the cancer, but no one can promise you anything. They have come a long way with bc, but have a long way to go. I am exhausted, and have been since I started chemo in July. I want to get back to life again too. I am confident that I will be able to, but I appreciate your frustation. I also have a fuzzy face...so no, you are not alone. I find this is the best place to get answers...from others that have experienced it. The books (and I read many) don't come close to telling everything! And I hate the baldness too...I have hair coming in now and look forward to having a full head of hair again. Take care0
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Hi,
I had a fuzzy face too. Mine started when I had finished chemo and was beginning to get hair again. I told my oncologist I was glad it wasn't dark. It seemed to go away when my hair grew back in. Don't know if it was really fuzzier, or if it just seemed to be because there was no hair to blend in with.
Things do get better.
Janet0 -
Fuzzy face here too, but it does seem to have gotten better. My guess is it's due to the drugs that throw you into early MENopause.live42day said:Hi,
I had a fuzzy face too. Mine started when I had finished chemo and was beginning to get hair again. I told my oncologist I was glad it wasn't dark. It seemed to go away when my hair grew back in. Don't know if it was really fuzzier, or if it just seemed to be because there was no hair to blend in with.
Things do get better.
Janet
Bald, hairy face, quick tempered and want to lay around on the couch all day...if that doesn't make you appreciate being a woman nothing will! LOL Hang in there girl, this too shall pass.
As for never being healed, use that to your advantage. You were never promised more than today before the diagnosis, now you just realize how fragile life can be, so live each day not in fear, but to its fullest.
Any day can be our last, cancer or not.
God bless you dear.
hummingbyrd0 -
Hi Lynne, I get alot of anger too. Just yesterday at one of my patients home> I go to peoples homes and help them do what ever or sit and talk to them for 2 hours .Anyway, I just broke down crying. It is like I bottle everything up and put on a smiling face, then reach a point were I can`t stand it anymore.
I came home and washed my wig because it was so matted up>>was very pretty when I first got it. No matter how much I try to help the wig it looks worse and worse as time goes on.(I told my husband last night maybe the reason I got cancer is because I was so vain about my hair). THAT is how much I try to understand (why)this happened to me. ....My skin hasn`t grown hair on it YET but it is very dry.
I want to finish my education also. I want to apply to the nursing school here in February. I worry because I will have to get a school loan and on top of all the other bills >>>insurance was no good,I worry that I won`t be able to get one. Then I think of filing bankrupsy because I can`t see a way out with all the bills and I think ...what if I have to go through this again? Again I think why did this happen to me? why to some one who can`t afford to be sick? On and On it goes with my (whys) until I just break down crying.
As far as dr,s I hate the way they treat people.I agree with Krisrey that we have to take a different approach to these (want to be gods) who with just a simple word can change us to weak underlings.I remember asking my onc. a question about (one of my pathology report statements) during the beginning of my chemo and she brushed it off with "we won`t go there" and then she laughed.What did I do? I just sat there and said nothing. I remember another time she told me about my surgeon and her getting into a verbal argument because ( the surgeon said I only needed radiation). Here I was sitting there with no hair on my head and she was telling me that someone thought I didn`t need chemo!!Not just someone but the glorified surgeon.Who is right ???? I tried to justify my torture with the knowledge that I am er and pr pos and I am almost a 3 in her2neu pos. And of course grade 2 . The surgeon wants to be the RIGHT one and the Onc wants to be the RIGHT one. It is like I am a pawn moving back and forth between them.So YES I feel tremendous anger and I don`t give a care anymore if people think I am having a pitty party. I have a right to be angry . And you do to.I say this not just because of cancer but for anything that happens to us . The diabetic who takes 3 or 4 shots a day has to wish their life was normal again. They have to get angry at times for their body betraying them.I think anger is a normal healing responce to us getting on with our lives. Wouldn`t it be strange if we went through this saying "I don`t care what happens to me in my life"., or "Why get angry?, it is only cancer" .
Can you ever imagine anyone thinking that way?????
Well, I have talked to much but why not?.....take care....Shirl0 -
Hey Shirl, being angry is natural, but be careful not to waste too much precious energy on anger.hillbillycat said:Hi Lynne, I get alot of anger too. Just yesterday at one of my patients home> I go to peoples homes and help them do what ever or sit and talk to them for 2 hours .Anyway, I just broke down crying. It is like I bottle everything up and put on a smiling face, then reach a point were I can`t stand it anymore.
I came home and washed my wig because it was so matted up>>was very pretty when I first got it. No matter how much I try to help the wig it looks worse and worse as time goes on.(I told my husband last night maybe the reason I got cancer is because I was so vain about my hair). THAT is how much I try to understand (why)this happened to me. ....My skin hasn`t grown hair on it YET but it is very dry.
I want to finish my education also. I want to apply to the nursing school here in February. I worry because I will have to get a school loan and on top of all the other bills >>>insurance was no good,I worry that I won`t be able to get one. Then I think of filing bankrupsy because I can`t see a way out with all the bills and I think ...what if I have to go through this again? Again I think why did this happen to me? why to some one who can`t afford to be sick? On and On it goes with my (whys) until I just break down crying.
As far as dr,s I hate the way they treat people.I agree with Krisrey that we have to take a different approach to these (want to be gods) who with just a simple word can change us to weak underlings.I remember asking my onc. a question about (one of my pathology report statements) during the beginning of my chemo and she brushed it off with "we won`t go there" and then she laughed.What did I do? I just sat there and said nothing. I remember another time she told me about my surgeon and her getting into a verbal argument because ( the surgeon said I only needed radiation). Here I was sitting there with no hair on my head and she was telling me that someone thought I didn`t need chemo!!Not just someone but the glorified surgeon.Who is right ???? I tried to justify my torture with the knowledge that I am er and pr pos and I am almost a 3 in her2neu pos. And of course grade 2 . The surgeon wants to be the RIGHT one and the Onc wants to be the RIGHT one. It is like I am a pawn moving back and forth between them.So YES I feel tremendous anger and I don`t give a care anymore if people think I am having a pitty party. I have a right to be angry . And you do to.I say this not just because of cancer but for anything that happens to us . The diabetic who takes 3 or 4 shots a day has to wish their life was normal again. They have to get angry at times for their body betraying them.I think anger is a normal healing responce to us getting on with our lives. Wouldn`t it be strange if we went through this saying "I don`t care what happens to me in my life"., or "Why get angry?, it is only cancer" .
Can you ever imagine anyone thinking that way?????
Well, I have talked to much but why not?.....take care....Shirl
It takes a lot of positively charged emotion to beat this insidious disease.
One thing I recommend is don't ask why. Chances are you won't get an answer and that just tends to drive one nuts...besides if someone had to get breast cancer could you honostly pick someone out and say, 'give it to her she can handle it better emotionally and financially'?
It's my belief if God allowed this to happen it's for a reason, and you are strong enough to deal with it. I try to focus more on asking, 'Lord, what can I do with this to bring You honor and glory'.
I have a website Conquering Cancer Through Christ www.urcctc.com
You are more than welcome to come visit.
As for finances I strongly suggest you go to
www.federal-grants.net
There are a lot of grants out there, especially for women, that will fund an education.
Good luck in your career and God bless.
hummingbyrd0 -
Lynn, I completed chemotherapy nearly six months ago, and the further I move away from all that, the better my equilibrium becomes. It is perfectly normal to seethe over what you have been through. I, too, was astonished at how often I was the one who had to explain lab test results or symptoms to physicians and nurses. You do not sound like a horrible person at all... you sound very much like the rest of us do when it all becomes so frustrating. When I informed the department chairman why I had to withdraw from graduate school, the suggestion was made that I work at home on a project rather than withdraw. It was only 1.5 credits, but it allowed the delight of remaining connected to something interesting and wonderful. You will definitely move on. It's okay to be angry sometimes.0
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I don't believe God gave us cancer. cancer is a fact of nature, humans get it. Humans die. god doesn't test us with hardship. We can either grow closer to him through it or further away. We always have choices. god is our loving father and would never "Give" us anything as horendous as breast cancer.hummingbyrd said:Hey Shirl, being angry is natural, but be careful not to waste too much precious energy on anger.
It takes a lot of positively charged emotion to beat this insidious disease.
One thing I recommend is don't ask why. Chances are you won't get an answer and that just tends to drive one nuts...besides if someone had to get breast cancer could you honostly pick someone out and say, 'give it to her she can handle it better emotionally and financially'?
It's my belief if God allowed this to happen it's for a reason, and you are strong enough to deal with it. I try to focus more on asking, 'Lord, what can I do with this to bring You honor and glory'.
I have a website Conquering Cancer Through Christ www.urcctc.com
You are more than welcome to come visit.
As for finances I strongly suggest you go to
www.federal-grants.net
There are a lot of grants out there, especially for women, that will fund an education.
Good luck in your career and God bless.
hummingbyrd
Even before getting cancer, I hated when someone spoke of a tragedy or such and said things like "God never gives you more than yo can bear". Bull! God didn't give it to us to begin with and at times it is more than we can bear. At those times the lucky ones lean on thier relationship with God for the extra strength to get through.
Just my view, thought I'd share it. Love, Beth0 -
Hi Beth, I do agree God doesn't cause disease, or accidents etc. I too found at times that the only way to get through something without an answer is to lean on God. I don't ask why too often because there is no answer to that. I believe in a God that helps us through our tough times not a God that gives us hard times. Thanks for your thoughts.Lynnejake10 said:I don't believe God gave us cancer. cancer is a fact of nature, humans get it. Humans die. god doesn't test us with hardship. We can either grow closer to him through it or further away. We always have choices. god is our loving father and would never "Give" us anything as horendous as breast cancer.
Even before getting cancer, I hated when someone spoke of a tragedy or such and said things like "God never gives you more than yo can bear". Bull! God didn't give it to us to begin with and at times it is more than we can bear. At those times the lucky ones lean on thier relationship with God for the extra strength to get through.
Just my view, thought I'd share it. Love, Beth0 -
Just have to clarify I said God "allows" things to happen, there's a difference between allowing and giving.jake10 said:I don't believe God gave us cancer. cancer is a fact of nature, humans get it. Humans die. god doesn't test us with hardship. We can either grow closer to him through it or further away. We always have choices. god is our loving father and would never "Give" us anything as horendous as breast cancer.
Even before getting cancer, I hated when someone spoke of a tragedy or such and said things like "God never gives you more than yo can bear". Bull! God didn't give it to us to begin with and at times it is more than we can bear. At those times the lucky ones lean on thier relationship with God for the extra strength to get through.
Just my view, thought I'd share it. Love, Beth
God does allow us to suffer trials, sometimes to humble us, to bring us closer to him, and to bring him honor and glory.
Look at Job, He certainly allowed him to suffer, but not more than he could bear.
You are absolutely right, we don't bear our trials through our strength, but that which we gain from the Lord.
Hardship strips us of pride, we are humbled and if called, we turn to God. Trusting in God strengthens our faith, gives peace like nothing else on earth which in turn is used to glorify the Lord. He uses us as a witness to his love and kindness.
God sent Christ to die for each of us, for our sins, He allowed Christ to be crucified to save me, to save you, everybody who accepts the gift of salvation.
If He allowed Christ to be crucified do you honestly think He wouldn't allow someone to suffer breast cancer for his glory?
Life's not about me, it's about God's plan for me and what I can do to honor and glorify him.
1 John 2:17
This world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God you will live forever.
God bless.
hummingbyrd0 -
I know what your saying here. Sometimes we get angry because the diagnosis won't go away. I kept myself thinking it was a mistake and eventually they would say hey we goofed you don't have cancer. That did not happen at all. I know your angry, I was and still get that way at times. Its been 1.5 yrs for me. I did not have the horrible ordeal of chemo but did have the 6 weeks of radiation. I continued to work full time and was exhausted but I did what I had to do. Unfortunately, I can't tell you that eventually the thinking about cancer thing goes away because like I said it's been over a year for me and I still think about it at least once a day. It took a good 6 months after the treatment for me to get on with life knowing I was a survivor and not worry about it every single day of my life. The worrying was taking away from the quality of life which I have. I don't worry quite as much now but every little ache and pain that seems to linger brings on those awlful thoughts. I hope that eventually you will be able to control the anger, put aside the worries and enjoy life. That is hard to do but you have to do it. Good luck. Feel free to email me anytime you need to talk at sunnyskye@hotmail.com The best thing you can do for yourself is read up on being a breast cancer SURVIVOR ... it truly does help because once you consider yourself a survivor your quality of life will be better and you will be more content with what you've been thru and move on into your future.0
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