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new caregiver.

gentle_dream
Posts: 5
Joined: Dec 2003

Hi everyone.

My best friend was told that she had a brain tumre. She hasn't told anyone, except me, yet. The time the doctor told her of it was 6 months ago. It was also her last visit to the doctor. She says she is "too busy" to go. I have only known for about 3 months. We are very close, but we hardly see each other anymore. She is "too tired" when she gets back from work to even answer the phone. I'm 18 years old and I need to talk to a caregiver who has a close case. Please. This is a desprate call for help. I'm more than ready to offer help, support and advice, but when it comes to someone you love so much it becomes hard to think clearly. I need to know that I am not alone, which is what I feel like right now. I only spoke to her 3 times since she told, and it wasn't for my lack of trying. Please, I need to talk. It could be on chat or just by e-mails. I hope I get a reply soon.
Thank you all so much.

donoho4
Posts: 2
Joined: Jan 2004

You have my prayers and thoughts. I have been a caregiver in several cases, especially my mom and my husband. It is so very hard. Just be sure to be there for your friend. Try to go see her as often as you can. Try to get her to talk to you about it and most of all try to get her to go back to the doctor. Ask her how she feels about what has happened to her. Ask her how you can help her. Ask her how she feels about afterlife. Most of all, just get her to talk to you. I have found all cancer patients need to talk and they are afraid to because they don't want anyone else to hurt like they do (emotionally). Be strong for her. If I can be of any help to you at all, just e-mail me and I will try to be here for you. My personal address is donoho4@bellsouth.net if you need me to be more readily available. Just pray for her and so will I.

JLP
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2004

One of the best things you can do for your friend is find some support for yourself. There are many cancer support groups which can be very helpful with a variety of things including information and helping you feel less alone and burdened. Try contacting your local cancer treatment center for groups near you. They can be a remarkable place for healing of the heart. It seems to me that you are trying your best to be a friend and cancer puts a new set of very difficult "rules" on what that means. I'm sure your friend is doing her best but she's not letting you in much either after telling you such devastating news. It seems to me that you're both in a tough spot and trying your best. Please try to meet up with a group. They can really be a lifesaver. Hang in there.

Trese's picture
Trese
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2004

I've just started looking at this discussion board. I've been a caregiver three times, and after a few years I just finished a little "book" about my experiences. I talk about the "caregiving" process as if it is a submarine mission. There are only a few people on the crew, and unfortuantely it sounds like your friend is keeping that crew pretty small. I agree with everyone who has replied. See if you can get her to talk to you, but try to be calm and confident when she does. No cheerleading. Just a quiet confidence that things will work out. Listening is more important than talking. I would also encourage you to find support ... that helps to make the crew a lot bigger!! If you ever need to "talk" privately, please email me. You are young, and we're here to help. Trese

Caregiverjohn85
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2019

Good Morning,

On Friday, my wife was diagnosed with Stage 3 Lung Cancer. I know this is going to be a tough journey for her (well, and me too). I'm hoping to find a place to just talk, get some answers, and find support for myself, as well. She does not want anyone to know about the diagnosis, so I can't tell anyone (I want to respect her wishes), but I feel like I need someone to talk to.

GingerMay's picture
GingerMay
Posts: 134
Joined: Sep 2016

Hi Caregiverjohn. Sorry about your wife's diagnosis. You are in a good place with this forum.  Many people here are all going through similar and can relate. I too feel like I need someone to talk to, and it does seem to help.  Caregivers and spouses go through a totally different journey which is often overlooked and really not understood.  A couple suggestions I can offer are to try the chat room of this site via the link on the left column.  It is easy to not even see, but the people there are wonderful whenever you just need someone to talk to. They have helped me through many dark moments. Also, try in-person support groups at the local hospital or community centers.  You can also just post here whenever you want.  Prayers to you and your family.  

LnR
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2019

Hi Caregiverjohn, so sorry about your wife. My husband was diagnosed with stage iv melanoma last August and I understand your need to talk with others. I just joined this site a few days ago and it does help a lot. I’ve held a lot in for the past nine months. I should have started talking to other caregivers right away. You did the right thing by joining soon after your wife was diagnosed. It is such a scary thing to go though and from what I’ve been seeing here many of us feel alone and are in need of people who can relate to what we are going through especially with all of the unknowns. I was unable to find a local support group just for caregivers in my area so I was so glad I found this site.  When I joined I was hesistant write a post asking for people to talk with.   I realized quickly that there are people here willing to listen and to share what they are going through. It has helped so much. Sometimes we just can’t do things all alone. I’m here for anyone who needs to talk. Feel free to contact me. Also, posting, as you did here, is a great thing too because I’m sure you will find, as I have, that there are many people here that will respond if you reach out. Knowing there are many others that can relate does wonders. I highly recommend going to a local group too if there is one in your area. 

Gentle-dream, I’m sorry about your friend. As others have said just do your best to try to get her to talk with you and when she does just listen. It’s hard not to try to fix things but simply listening helps a lot. I’m sure she feels alone too. You mentioned she was too tired to answer the phone, so even though it would be best to hear her voice, maybe she would be more open to responding via email or texting? Just a thought as an alternative to at least let her know you are there for her. People here are here for you as I’m sure you’ve seen from the replies already. Feel free to reach out anytime. 

Trese - I love the analogy you gave in writing your book. My crew is quite small but reaching out here gives me hope that it’ll grow. 

I’m not sure if it’s ok to ask in this forum or if there is a better one to ask in but is there a settinng that can be set to send a notification, maybe an email notification, of a reaponse to a post I’ve written or messages? Or is the only way to know is to log on and find the post and check it? Someone here also mentioned the chat feature. I’ve checked that out a couple of times but it seems like no one is there. Are there times that it’s more active? Sorry for all the questions. Still learning. 

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