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I Still feel Married

Carolee55's picture
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2003

Hello, My name is Carol and my husband Richard died Aug. 21, 2000. We were married for 28 years. He was only 47 when he died and I was 45. This May 18th will be the 3 year aniversary of when the doctor walked into Richard hospital room and gave us the bad news. I will never forget it. It was 6pm.
After doing test they told us that he had cancer of an unknown primary. He died 3 months after that hospital visit.
Richard and I were high school sweethearts. All my adult life was with Richard.
Now I am dating and I find that I feel guilty. Like I am commiting adultry. I know that I am single but I feel married. There was no break up between Richard and I. We were in love when he died. I even feel nervious and embarresed when I am out with my friend (male) and an old friends see me.
Will this ever change?
I also know that I compare other men to Richard. And I know that I will always be disappointed and unhappy if I continue to do this.
Its been almost 3 years since Richard died. When will I be able to cope with this loss?
I do miss Richard so much. Today was a bad day. I was crying almost all day, I was so lonely.
Right now my 24 year old son lives with me. I also have a granddaughter that was born after Richard died, from my daughter. She is new life and joy in our family. It is sad to me to realize that this little girl wont ever know her grandpa.
I guess I have a lot on my plate.
Can anyone relate? Please write.

Posts: 1
Joined: May 2003

I know how you feel. My wife died September 1, 2002 from breast cancer at the age of 36. I am 42. We were only married 14 years. Our 15th anniversary would be coming up on May 14th. First Mother's day and then anniversary date. It's a tough week.

I have two children, girls, 13 and 10. They are coping well but I'm having a harder time adjusting. I also feel like I am still married.

It has been difficult to adjust to the emptiness that was left. I haven't been able to clean out her things from the closets and drawers. Everything is exactly as she left it. I know it will take time since it hasn't even been a year since she died.

Right now I'm not even interested meeting anyone or dating so I can't relate to how it would feel being seen by your friends on a date. It's all I can do just to go out with relatives. Someday I may find someone and those feelings will come pouring in. Until then I have enough to worry about with the two girls.

I miss her very much. She was such a big part of my life. People keep telling me that it will get easier. I don't know. Maybe. I guess time heals all wounds.

Carolee55's picture
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2003

I am so sorry about your wife. I totally understand how it feels to loose a spouce when you had a long marriage. My children were not as young as yours when Richard died, My boys were 24 and 21 years old and my daughter was 17. She was still living with me. The day after the funeral I took my boys to the airport because one had taken a leave from his job in Michigan and the other had taken off from the University in Colorado. We all live in Calif. So I felt like I had lost all the men in my life on that day.
Anyway, about time. Well from experience, the time thing helps yet its not all true that time heals all wounds.
Now that I look back at the 2 1/2 years since Richard died, I can say that for me the first year I was numb. I just was living life to survive each day. My memory was shot in that year, I could not concentrate on anything, for example, I love to read a good book and I could not concentrate enough to do it. I would just keep reading the same paragraph over and over. If I did get a little more read it seemed that there was always something that reminded me of my life with Rich. And then I would be day dreaming, The same is true for TV watching. I use to just put on Cartoons at night in my bedroom just to have some noise so that I could sleep. And Cartoons didnt require concentration on the story.
I signed up for some college courses, like painting and drawing. I took a class with a professor that I had known for years. But my attendance was horrible. That was so unlike me. It is just that some days I could not get dressed or just get going.
So Time did heal those things so that I am functioning now. But the feelings of loss is still as strong now as or more so.
Now I can think with a clear mind and I just keep asking, Why Rich? Why Rich?, he was so strong and good. Why not me? Why Rich?
Then other times I will go out shopping and I will see couples together and I just have to leave. It is the "that use to be me" sadness. Or at times I will go out to eat with my son and I will see a table with a complete family and it breaks my heart.
So those things seemed to feel worse this year than last year.
But I feel stronger than before. Just last friday I was asking a lot of questions with a doctor friend about Richard. I am always talking about Rich.
I think that is something that makes me feel the best. And I will continue to do it. It is that I talk about Rich. For example if I go with my family to dinner, and they are talking about the menu, I will say, "Oh Rich loved eating that, we ordered it on our aniversary......" If my son shows me something he bought, I will say, "oh, do you remember the one that Dad had, it was awesome". Those are just examples. We dont talk a lot about Rich being sick. We did that in the first year. Now we talk about "him".
Also when you do this then the people around you wont be so shy to talk about your wife. I noticed that when I first was talking about Rich with family members that they got real quiet. I guess they think that they will upset you if they talk about your spouce. That use to bother me. But now they are all use to me talking about Richard and they will reminise with me.
Also the man that I am seeing will listen to me talk endlessly about Richard. If he didn't listen, I wouldnt have continued to date him.
I would love to write more to you and also to hear about your experience. You can write to me directly at xcarolx@earthlink.net. The "x" before and after my name means that I am against drugs, not anything else. My son taught me that.
I guess all is to say, Time does help you ajust to being alone and not to be sharing the responsiblities of childcare and the house. Now it is your responsibility alone. That was hard for me. But time has not helped me fill that hole that is in my heart from the loss of Rich.
I do have days that I dont dwell on it so much. I have about 2 days a month when I do cry. So that is getting better.
I hope that this helps you. Don't you feel like it just isn't fair?
My doctor put me on prozac about a year ago. I didn't want any drugs after Rich died. I kept thinking that time would heal me. But finally I asked for help. The prozac really did help me.
Write me please.
P.S. February is my difficult month. It is Richards birthday and our aniversary. This year would have been our 30th wedding aniversary. I was at work all day and I got tears often. It is just a tough thing.

Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2003

I Carole, I know just how you feel, my husband died June 26th 2000, we had been married 46 years, it will be three years next month and I just can not get used to the idea that he will never walk in the door again, for a while I went to the cemetary everyday, now I go Sat. and Sun. bur I talk to him all the time, good thing I live alone or people would think I was crasy. It is hard, but you have to go from day to day, you take care. Jackiemay

Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi my name is Kathy. I am new to this. My husband, Louie passed away 8 months ago of lung cancer. He was 54 and I am 41. I felt thinkg were going pretty good, some very bad times, but things seemed ok. Now I feel this numb feeling, sometimes I start to cry just out of the blue. People say it will get better, but I wonder sometimes. I guess I just need some reasurrance. I miss him soooooo much. We had the best relationship for 16 years. Never a fight or cross word. We did so much together. I try to put on a good front for other people, but then I am home alone. I do have a dog that is a good lisenter. I just needed to talk to someone.

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