TO metvan, bjb, donna, debjones

Hello Brent, donna, deb and michelle, and any others.......
I'm writing to all of you who were so kind to reply to my outpouring.
We held the mass for my father this past weekend. My mother, brother and I are now beginning to go through the grieving process. We're all shocked and stunned right now. In the middle of the night, I wake up panicked wondering where my dad is, it's all a nightmare, I hope that to myself and then reality quickly floods over me.

Brent,I read in your email that you are trying to sue the tobacco industry? Do you live in the US? I saw you had written "mum" which to me says you are not. There has been a long acting class action suit against the tobacco companies here for many years. My dad was a heavy smoker for the majority of his life. He did quit more than ten years ago but they say even fifteen years beyond quitting your risk of lung cancer is still very high.
Frankly, I too am looking for someone or something to blame, but there isn't anyone or anything. My anger is so fierce but it's paralytic. I am so overwhelmed with a sick nausea I can't even find the strength to be angry outwardly.
I have two kids, one two year old and a three week old, who was born soon after my dad was diagnosed. Bittersweet.

My dad's last days were awful for him, I did however get to tell him things, that I have said in the past, but wanted him to know more than ever. The scary thing was that his voice was so empty, it was so sad. I wasn't at his bedside when he died, but being a nurse, I've seen his suffering before in patients, and that picture, of what he had to endure before he passed, is what I can't get out of my mind. You are so very powerless to help, I would've done anything to spare him any agony that he went through, and it was quick compared to some, but for him, it was an eternity.
What I am most sad about is the loss to my father, he has lost his future with his best friend, my mother, he has lost his retirement days, to do with what he pleased, which would've been fishing with my son, that is what he couldn't wait to do. He was robbed of birthdays and holidays, it goes on and on, THAT is what makes me mad and sad, his loss, not ours.
I'm rambling, but that is what I'm feeling.
I hope to find peace with this someday, it will always hurt though.

Keep me posted on how you all are doing.

Jen