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New Love

Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2002

I met J, in September and we really hit it off. We were like a couple of 16 year olds! We dated 2 and 3 times a week. Then in October, he was diagnosed with cancer--5 tumors in his back. As I am sure you all know, that changed everything. He has been undergoing radiation every other day for over 5 weeks (has a 6 week treatment and a 4 week break then possibly 6 more weeks. We agreed that our relationship was not going to become about the cancer, but that we would take it one day at a time. We were both falling in love. He told me that I was very important to him as I was the only one who "didn't feel sorry" for him because he had cancer and that coming to my house was a refuge for him. We went to his company holiday party and it was obvious to everyone there we are crazy about each other. Then the next day some fluid built up in his spine and he lost the use of his legs--he was taken to the hospital, the fluid drained and he was OK. But, it scared the hell out of him. Here is the guy who is always taking care of everyone else and he is faced with cancer and an unknown future. So, he called me and said that he was dreading the holidays and wanted to put our relationship "on hold" until after the first of the year. I know this is not about "us" but about the cancer and his ability or inability to deal with it. I was still devastated, because I want to help him and be there for him and he was taking that ability away from me. He did call a couple nights later to wish me a Merry Christmas with my family (I was going out of town) and he told me he is finally seeing a therapist and said that he felt they could really help him (evidently he should have been seeing this therapist from the start but he was too stubborn to think he couldn't handle this alone.) So, I am back from my visit to my family and miss J. terribly. I believe he thinks he is protecting me from what he is dealing with and that he doesn't want me to waste time on him if the prognosis is not good. And, I do not care. I love him and want to be with him, no matter what. So, for now, I am "on hold" waiting until after the first of the year when he said he would contact me. I need advice--what should I do???? How can I help him? Do I just give him the space and time he has asked for and wait it out?

Posts: 6
Joined: Sep 2002

Hi. I am probably going to post a message, so I thought I would reply to one first. (I have replied to other messages in the past, but this board has not been too active!) Anyway, I don't know if anyone has the answers about what you should do. You should do what feels right to you. I think you can tell him you are there for him, and call him to check in on him, maybe send him a card or something. Then give him sometime -hopefully he will work some of his issues out with this therapist, and then be able to talk to you more openly. Good luck!

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