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Joined: Mar 2001

I wonder if it is just me. I wonder if others truly feel the way I do. I can only be so positive and so full of hope then I have my times where I wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Completely... I wonder if I will ever feel Good again. Well...
It has been 5 years. I do things to help myself yet I still struggle daily with all I am left with. Life is just too short to dwell, so I don't. Life goes on but I am still waiting to feel like it as all behind me. Will that ever happen? Survivors guilt looms in the wings. Truly LIVING AGAIN seems to be my challenge. What is Yours??

tcbangels's picture
Posts: 114
Joined: Jun 2001

amen amen and amen how true you are i always kept it in me until i meant you all i dwell on it coming back because my family has had cancer so much all you do think is the big C now i'm living again and wanting to help others thats dealing w/ bc i like you way was good you think if you ever will be the same again i big breast person so when i dont wear prothesis i look real funny but i hate putting that heavy thing on thats my part not cancer but wearing a prothesis it hurts my neck and shoulder but i got to except that part but i dont dwell, no more i dwell on helping others go through bc

robinh's picture
Posts: 23
Joined: Jun 2001

I'm sorry that you are struggling, but you shouldn't feel ashamed or alone. I think it is something that only those of us have been there can understand. I had felt like I was strong and didn't need any help or support. Then almost a year after my surgery, my world just kind of came crashing down around me. I couldn't understand what was going on. I felt guilty for feeling bad because, after all, I was OK and how ungrateful of me to feel depressed. I found that I did need support of others who had been there. When I found it, I was amazed at how much just being able to talk about it helped. I think it's also part of being a woman. We're conditioned to think we can handle anything and stand on our own. I also find myself having feelings of guilt because I was lucky enough to have mine caught so early. Because I had DCIS, I didn't have to have the chemo or radiation that so many others have to endure. Even though I had both breasts removed, I still felt guilty. I have come to realize that women, especially women who have survived breast cancer are remarkable. I am proud to consider myself a part of this remarkable community. If you need to talk, please feel free to email me at huxoll@oregontrail.net

Posts: 58
Joined: Jun 2001

I have had similiar feelings about survivors guilt ....sooooo many with my type of cancer have had it come back and lost there battle. So in an effort, thinking what may have made life a little easier for all of us involved (patients) and or friends or family ive personally decided that the time im givin will be made making memories for these people to hang on to and hey i get to enjoy them also. Enjoy those around you and let them enjoy you. Im in no way saying hide your feelings its natural that we ALL have our good and bad days just try to dwell on the current moment ive found im a lot more relaxed that way. And remember for those bad days im just an email away and will be more than happy to listen....Hang in there

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Posts: 118
Joined: May 2001

Hi Tara,

For me the paradox I experience is linked to your previous post : yes, cancer has changed my life forever. It marked a new beginning. At times I feel elated to be alive. And yet at other times I am so frustrated with myself for not acting wiser : why do I still get into petty arguments with my husband, for instance ? Why don't I do something truly meaningful (meaningful to me) out of my free time ? When I was just over with treatment, I felt love for everyone and everything on earth. It was like being on a "high", and that lasted several weeks. I was more understanding, less bitchy, probably a better person. Now I am trying to define what and who I truly am : I don't want to be so nice anymore that I am taken advantage of. And I do want to be loving and understanding, because it is important to me. Almost 40 years old, and still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. What a laugh !

Big hugs,
And take good care of yourself

Posts: 66
Joined: Sep 2000

What and who I truly am? GOOD QUESTION!!! I am 42 years old, and have the same problem you do. It's hard! I work hard everyday to stay healthy mentally and physically, and usually I do real good. But all of the sudden out of know where I get this overwhelming feeling of saddness and tiredness. It's alot of work trying to keep yourself healthy, and change the way you look at life. I too can not find what it is I want to do. As you, I get so frustrated... Why is it so hard finding what it is you want to do with your life? I'm I looking to hard? Maybe it's right infront of my eyes and I just cant see it. I don't know! I know there is something I am suppose to do, because I am still here healthier than ever. I will keep on looking, it's there somewhere.
Take care, and good luck with your search. loulou

Posts: 26
Joined: Apr 2001

I know what you mean. I've had such a great summer combing my hair, wearing mascara, gardening, challenging my fitness level...I even have a new job working with new parents and babies. I'm happy and living each day. I felt like I really wanted to move on, far from cancer this week. My life is so good...can I deserve to be so happy....?!! Well... today I made my mammogram appointment for late September and it all came flooding back. I feel healthy but I cried and worried anyway then talked myself back into a positive state of mind possibly tainted with a bit of sadness. I know how you feel. My challenge is to move forward. Love, Luckyj

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