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help with mom

Posts: 3
Joined: Jun 2001

i posted on "emotional support", perhaps i should have posted here.
i am the caregiver to my mother, i have no brothers/sisters to share this load with.
my mother is a very difficult person to deal with under normal circumstances. she just had surgery to remove vulvar cancer & now is being sent for mri of pelvis for continuing pain. this pain was the reason she sought doctors for relief from.
she does not take meds as she should & argues with me constantly about it. i'm tired of arguing, feelings of despair are ongoing for me. i don't want to argue with her, but she engages me in arguing over every little thing. i need help coping with her.
her sisters & i all feel she has not come to terms with the fact that she has cancer. she acts as though she is fine & will be up and around again soon. i'm rambling, sorry. i need help coping. thanks

Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2001

Well, don't feel like the only one out there. I have a brother, 2 aunts and an uncle that are "trying to help" my mom. How does my uncle and aunt help? They don't let mom see or talk to her friends!!!!! They go along with everything that she says, even if it's wrong!

Unfortunately, she's in that extremely anxious stage, and had a psychotic episode tonight and made me go home (she ran away to the next door neighbors house). She is claiming I am trying to hurt/harm her and that the sitters I have hired are not giving her the medicine right. We have had to hide her medicine because they found her raiding it. My aunt is "going along" with her, just to make her calm down. Frankly, this is just making it worse, especially when I will have to go back over there.

The family is refusing to take my advice and bring in psych-nurses for her. They can and do help tremendously! They not only help the patient, but you cope as well. They "don't want people to think she's crazy and belongs in an institution!" What a crock!

My mom has end stage cancer. She was diagnosed just 3 months ago. There is no help available for her, but she refuses to believe it. She thinks there is some treatment out there that will help. I think that, like your mom, she refuses to come to grips with what's going on.

My mom is crying a lot. The psych meds they have her on are not working. She has had some "good days", but the bad are horrible. She refuses to go back to the "hospice" as that's a place people go to die. She received much help there, and liked it until the anxiety set in.

I feel for you, and just like you, it's all I can do to cope. I want to scream sometimes it's so bad.

Take care...

Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2001

Hello, I am in the same boat w/ my husband. He is in Stage IV with esophageal cancer. Very tough for all of us. He distrusts me most and treats me worst. I try to soothe myself and I am going to join support group given to me by cancer society. I've read where a number of folks leave their partners when going thru this. I can see why. Terribly difficult to put up with abusive behavior. No one else sees it. I try to forgive and forget. Hoping support group is a big help. Take care and God Bless!

Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2002

I too am an only child.left to care for my mother. I feel so angry sometimes. I have no help from anyone. I had to quit my job and move in with her. I just bought my first house in Oct. of last year and have yet to live in it. I feel so alone. I sometimes feel I don't want to do this anymore. But what choice do I have. I just recently found this site. Maybe it will help me as well as others who are facing tjhe same thing. It's good to know I am not alone.

Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2002

I was in a similar situation to yours (kboles) when my mother had Stage IV lung cancer. It had spread to her brain. After she could not live alone, I took a leave of absence from my job and sold my car so I would have money to live on while I took care of her. I too had recently purchased my first home. I am not an only child, but I am the only daughter and my brothers were little help. All three of us did not live in the same state as our mother, but they each only visited twice during her illness. She was diagnosed in November 1999 and died in April 2001. Feeling frustrated is extremely normal. You have made a tough decision to live with your mom, but you will be glad you did it. There were so many days that I didn't even think I could get out of bed in the morning. I would get up with her 3-6 times each night. In addition to sleep deprivation, caregiving kills your immune system. I was sick 4 times during the 6 months I lived with her (odd for me). Hang in there! I hope you can find the inner strength to deal with everything. It is extra tough when you don't have any/much help. Towards the end of her illness, I got in touch with the hospice group at a local hospital (I wish I had contacted them sooner). They have volunteers that will come stay with patients for a couple of hours at a time, so you can get away. It will do you wonders if you can get out of the house every once in a while. I hope you have friends or other relatives to which you can turn for help. Good luck and feel free to email me if you want to chat!

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