Not BC related but need to vent!!!!!!!!!!!!! warning its LONG

pinkflutterby
pinkflutterby Member Posts: 615 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hello all, this is not BC related but I have to VENT before I loose my mind!!!! My 25 year old daughter her 2 children 3 and 6 my 22 year old son and his 20 yr old wife all moved in to "help me". I have a very small house 3 bedrooms 1 bathroom. My 9 yr old sleeps in my room. My daughter and her kids in another and my son and his wife in the 3rd. The house is small and when I was well I was able to clean the entire place in 2 hours and I mean clean it all. Vent #1 I have had to hire a house keeper because my daughter and daughter in law are slobs and dont keep the place to my satisfaction and they will do laundry but they wont put it away. I cannot physically do it anymore, my legs are numb and I am weak and have to use a walker to get around. Vent #2 groceries my son does not contribute to the groceries at all. They choose to go out to eat nearly every meal, unless my daughter cooks then they will eat here. He could and should conbtribute to the grocery bill and stop eating out and make his wife cook for them or the entire crew of us. Vent #3 my kids are 25, 22 and 9. The older 2 have the same dad. I know I am more sensitive these days but I really feel bad for my 9 yr old, her dad is a looser and I am fighting cancer so she has lots of issues to deal with. My 25 yr old daughter is to critical of EVERYTHING she does and seems to be on her case 24/7. Things she lets slide with her kids she is on my 9 yr olds butt for it. She gets 0 slack for being a kid. I cant drive (because of my seizurs sp??) so I am dependant on her to take my 9 yr old to school so in the mornings she is yelling at her to hurry up and I worry she yells at her the whole way to school and ruin her day. When we are out at the store or dinner or where ever she yells at my daughter and her kids and it is really embarrassing. We had a school deal tonight for my 9 yr old and as we walk in lots of other people around us my 25 yr old says to my 9 yr old in a condensending (sp) voice "this is your deal what do we do" it makes me wonder what people think. Just now were eating dinner and my 9 yr old sits next to me and my 25 yr old got mad because of where everyone was sitting and decided to eat in her bedroom. when my 25 yr old is in a mood her kids feed off of it and are mean to my 9 yr old too. For example when she is angry her kids say things to my 9 yr old like "your mean and not my friend anymore" or they will play together and not include her or let her be included. She always sides with her kids against mine even to the point that her 3 yr old wanted my 9 yr old to stop singing and she yelled at my 9 yr old to "shut the hell up"

All of this makes me feel like such a burdon on my kids. I am suppossed to take care of them and they have to take care of me. I feel like shes resentful of having to take care of me and she takes it out on my daughter. I hate that I cant drive and I have no independance at all I cant care for my 9 yr old like I want to and I feel like I cant talk to my 25 yr old for being so angry and mean all the time since she is basically my care taker. My only choice is to go back to my moms while she is very helpful I like being at home my 9yr old wants to stay home with her stuff and our pets. How do I talk to her???? I hate living with angry people and dont know how to deal with it.

If you read all of this coodoos to you!

Ok I feel better for getting this off my chest. Thanks!!!!!! :)

Comments

  • pinkflutterby
    pinkflutterby Member Posts: 615 Member
    #2
    have to add that I cannot be
    have to add that I cannot be left alone so either she, my son or my daughter in law have to be here with me and they are always arguing over who will be here with me. Makes me feel about an inch tall. Its because of the seizurs.
  • pinkflutterby
    pinkflutterby Member Posts: 615 Member
    #3
    pinkflutterby said:

    have to add that I cannot be
    have to add that I cannot be left alone so either she, my son or my daughter in law have to be here with me and they are always arguing over who will be here with me. Makes me feel about an inch tall. Its because of the seizurs.

    AND
    hehe Im on a roll here........ since she yells and screams at my 9 yr old her kids do to. And they yell just in general, I guess since she does they do to. They also tell me NO all the time. If I said NO to my grandmother she would slap my face, even to this day and shes 94!!!! I was always taught to respect my grandparents, I guess my granddaughters missed that lesson.

    Another thing my older kids cuse like sailors no matter who is around or where we are.
  • pinkflutterby
    pinkflutterby Member Posts: 615 Member
    #4
    pinkflutterby said:

    have to add that I cannot be
    have to add that I cannot be left alone so either she, my son or my daughter in law have to be here with me and they are always arguing over who will be here with me. Makes me feel about an inch tall. Its because of the seizurs.

    AND
    hehe Im on a roll here........ since she yells and screams at my 9 yr old her kids do to. And they yell just in general, I guess since she does they do to. They also tell me NO all the time. If I said NO to my grandmother she would slap my face, even to this day and shes 94!!!! I was always taught to respect my grandparents, I guess my granddaughters missed that lesson.

    Another thing my older kids cuse like sailors no matter who is around or where we are.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #5
    I know that it is easier
    I know that it is easier said than done but my personal manta is: Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At. I needed that reminder when I was first diagnosed, and it has not only helped me through cancer, but in dealing with personal ( not cancer related) situations as well.

    A few suggestions: Can you call a Family Meeting? Again, not an angry one, as that would set the tone and it would be a screaming/storming out match from what you have already described. Without pointing fingers, ask what everyone suggests would make it easier for this large crowd to fit in this small space~ ESPECIALLY with your physical issues. Remind them that you are family, and that love and respect has absolutely got to be the order of the day. Maybe you can break the ice by saying you realize how difficult and even frightening it is for you to 1) have cancer, and 2) have to depend on your kids for help at this time. And that you truly appreciate the help they have offerered...HOWEVER....here are some things that can be improved on to make all of your lives easier! And then, as the mom, bring out the big guns and say housekeeping, cooking. whatever! Make a chart, ask for help, make them decide where they can be of the most asistance!

    Your 9 year old~ my heart breaks for her. Again, it seems to me that you will have to treat your own home like an elementary schoolroom! House Rule= No Trash Talking about each other!
    Have you spoken with your daughters' teacher? Principal? School Nurse, counselor? If you can give them a heads up about your situation (the Beast Battle) and that your daoughter could use a litle extra TLC or at least an awareness that things are a bit emotionally upsetting for her, that may help her. If you make school lunch for her, remember to put an I LOVE YOU or a smiley face~just to let her know! Do you have a family friend with kids her age that she might be able to car-pool with? Play dates with other kids?

    There is Cleaning For A Reason that you might qualify for~ see if it is in your area. Also, Road To Recovery can drive you to appointments. I don't know if you belong to a church, or have a girlfriend or two who wouldn't mind taking you places now and then, it may be nicer for YOU, rather than having to hear the grumbling from your family.

    Obviously, you can disregard any and all of these suggestions! LOL I feel certain that the other Kindred Spirits will weigh in, and hopefully give you great advice which yo can incorporate to make your lives easier.

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #6
    I'm sorry you have a lot to deal with
    I'm glad you got all this off your chest.

    I know your "older" kids are there to take care of you, but it sounds like it's just the opposite. It's causing you and your youngest daughter much turmoil. That can't be good for either of you. It's a shame the older kids are not behaving responsibly. And I think that this is affecting your 9 year old. It's hard enough as it is to deal with illness, she should by no means have to deal with being picked on or harassed. It just breaks my heart to hear that, I can't imagine what it must be doing to you.

    If I were you, I would take my daughter and go stay with my Mom in a more loving environment but's that's just me.

    I'll be praying for your situation. Please take care of YOU and your youngest daughter first.

    Hugs,

    Sylvia
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #7
    sea60 said:

    I'm sorry you have a lot to deal with
    I'm glad you got all this off your chest.

    I know your "older" kids are there to take care of you, but it sounds like it's just the opposite. It's causing you and your youngest daughter much turmoil. That can't be good for either of you. It's a shame the older kids are not behaving responsibly. And I think that this is affecting your 9 year old. It's hard enough as it is to deal with illness, she should by no means have to deal with being picked on or harassed. It just breaks my heart to hear that, I can't imagine what it must be doing to you.

    If I were you, I would take my daughter and go stay with my Mom in a more loving environment but's that's just me.

    I'll be praying for your situation. Please take care of YOU and your youngest daughter first.

    Hugs,

    Sylvia

    Libby
    your story breaks my heart. I hope you can attend Texas re-union and bring your 9 years daughter with you. Chen (Claudia) gave you a good advice. I think you can and should talk to your 25years old. Live with anger very difficult and not helpful for your recovery. Talk to your oncologist, I am sure social services are available for patients with your medical conditions. Have you applied for Social Security disability Benefits. In California people who are on disability are eligible for home-care services, including house services. You should not feel dependable and guilty. You gave your children everything when you were healthy, now the time for them to care for you.
    Family counseling could be helpful too. Your 25 needs to know that she make you upset and disappointed. While she has been trying hard, she make you feel bad and it does not help your treatment.
    Please come to board more often. We are missing you and worrying about your progress.
    Hugs,
    New Flower
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #8
    So sorry
    Your adult children are a burden on you. They are causing stress, and taking advantage of you. Sounds like to me the 25yo may be jealous of the 9yo.
    Is there anyway your mom could come live with you? If not I would consider going to moms. I would ask my 9yo., I'm sure she would rather stay with grandma than with older sis. She can take her stuff to grandmas and maybe the pets can go too.
    Something has to change you and 9yo can not live under these conditions. It is to stressful. I can sense the stress in your post.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #9
    ms.sunshine said:

    So sorry
    Your adult children are a burden on you. They are causing stress, and taking advantage of you. Sounds like to me the 25yo may be jealous of the 9yo.
    Is there anyway your mom could come live with you? If not I would consider going to moms. I would ask my 9yo., I'm sure she would rather stay with grandma than with older sis. She can take her stuff to grandmas and maybe the pets can go too.
    Something has to change you and 9yo can not live under these conditions. It is to stressful. I can sense the stress in your post.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

    great advice given, this is
    great advice given, this is not fair, HUGs and mor hugs. vent anytime!!!
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #10
    carkris said:

    great advice given, this is
    great advice given, this is not fair, HUGs and mor hugs. vent anytime!!!

    Libby
    how are you doing?
  • webbwife50
    webbwife50 Member Posts: 394
    #11
    ms.sunshine said:

    So sorry
    Your adult children are a burden on you. They are causing stress, and taking advantage of you. Sounds like to me the 25yo may be jealous of the 9yo.
    Is there anyway your mom could come live with you? If not I would consider going to moms. I would ask my 9yo., I'm sure she would rather stay with grandma than with older sis. She can take her stuff to grandmas and maybe the pets can go too.
    Something has to change you and 9yo can not live under these conditions. It is to stressful. I can sense the stress in your post.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

    Hugs and more hugs to you and your nine yr. old
    I just want to reach out and give you a big ole hug! In my opinion you need more professional help than your adult children are available to give. Sound to me like they are there as much for their own benefit. It truly isn't fair to your minor child. Not paying, or cleaning to your satifaction is crazy. They are taking advantage whether they know it or not, it dosn't matter. I would tell them all to plan on moving out for everyone best interest and contact the amcs or your health care provider and find out about in home care for however long you need it. My guess is you are probably spending a comprable amount just having all those people living in your house on your dollar. I hope I'm am not affending you but what you describe is just about intolerable. If you weren't disabled right now they would not be able to take advantage or you like they are, and how dare anyone YELL at your nine yr. old, as if she dos'nt have enough going on in her life. It makes me angry, it's abbusive!!
    God bless you, and I pray you find someone who can help you work all this out and get those adult children out of your house.
    Lovingly,
    Alison
    ps please excuse my spelling.
  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    #12
    Sorry to hear
    Wow! Doesn't sound like a very peaceful household to be living in. I'm sorry that you have to deal with your older kids when they aren't treating you or your 9 year old very well.

    Maybe you should check into seeing if you can get another caretaker to stay with you so you don't have to depend on your daughter to do it. Even just mentioning that to her may make her snap out of her pity party and start thinking about you (instead of herself and her convenience). It can't be relaxing to have such angry, resentful people around you all the time. I don't know about your seizures but I would imagine that you being under a lot of stress may increase thier frequency.

    Try talking to all of your kids about what YOU want and need from them. It is your house, you are the mom, and if they are going to be there to help you then that's what they need to do.

    I hope things get better for you soon.
  • Pinkpower
    Pinkpower Member Posts: 437
    #13
    Its such a difficult
    Its such a difficult situation to advise someone on how to deal with their own kids. But I just had to say, right now you need to take care of you and your 9yr old. If older kids are not going to help, which sounds like they are not, then they can all leave. I think you would be best by yourself with the 9yr old. Can the 9yr old take the school bus to school. Maybe talk to another parent of a friend or a another child in her class who lives close who would not mind giving her a ride to school. I pick up one of my daughters friends from school cause she lives close to my home. I think a peaceful home is best for you. But this is my opinion. Also, someone else advise talking to your 9yr old teacher, principal and school counselor. I did this for my youngest last year when I ws 1st dx and it really helped her alot.
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    #14
    Many good suggestions here.
    Many good suggestions here. Sounds like you are taking care of your older children rather than them taking care of you. Your 25 yr old sounds angry resentful, not good for you or your 9 yr old.

    Speak with the social worker at the cancer center. They have a wealth of information and knowledge which could possibly help your current stressful circumstance. School counselors are also a good source for your 9 year old. Contact the American Cancer Society to direct you to help.

    Please remember that there is always a solution and dont be frightened to make any necessary changes which could benefit you and your 9 yr old. You have enough to deal with just with your health issues and you dont need to accept their unacceptable behavior. There are doors to help, and those doors may not include your older children. I'm praying for you. Life can be so difficult sometimes. I hope you can get some peace for you and your 9 yr old. My heart goes out to both of you.
  • pinkflutterby
    pinkflutterby Member Posts: 615 Member
    #15
    natly15 said:

    Many good suggestions here.
    Many good suggestions here. Sounds like you are taking care of your older children rather than them taking care of you. Your 25 yr old sounds angry resentful, not good for you or your 9 yr old.

    Speak with the social worker at the cancer center. They have a wealth of information and knowledge which could possibly help your current stressful circumstance. School counselors are also a good source for your 9 year old. Contact the American Cancer Society to direct you to help.

    Please remember that there is always a solution and dont be frightened to make any necessary changes which could benefit you and your 9 yr old. You have enough to deal with just with your health issues and you dont need to accept their unacceptable behavior. There are doors to help, and those doors may not include your older children. I'm praying for you. Life can be so difficult sometimes. I hope you can get some peace for you and your 9 yr old. My heart goes out to both of you.

    Thank you all!!
    Thanks to everyone for responding. I talked to my dad and he is coming in town next week and he is taking them to dinner to talk about this situation. It has to change!!!!! I will keep yall up to date with the status.

    My Mom cant move in here and we cant take our pets there she has pets. I have been looking for a home health person to price it out.

    Carlie (my 9 yr old) her school is totally aware of my health and she has talked to the counselor her teachers from 1st to now have all been sooooooo helpful and nice.

    ♥ to all!!!! Libby

    ps and NO ONE offended me in anyway, I appreciate all the suggestions.

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