My dad has stage 4 lung cancer... How am I suppose to fight if he wont?

FeliWeli Sooo very sorry you and your family...

Are going through such a difficult time. I wish I had an answer for you. The answer, the answer you want to hear. Sadly I do not know the answer as to why your dad will not stop these things. Only he knows. I'm sorry noone has replied yet. It is a very difficult thing to discuss. I feel at a loss as of what to even say myself. You dad is very sick. All you can do is what you can do. But don't take any abuse yourself. That is just unfair to you. Do what you can to make him comfortable. Be around when he is positive, and leave is it gets difficult. You need to remove yourself for YOUR OWN wellbeing. Life does go on when people pass. It's a fact of life unfortunately.

 

  I'm facing it possibly myself and I'm tryng to be as accepting of what I can not control myself. Mainly to keep my sanity. I have never been in your shoes. And would not want any person to be as that is a brutally tough place to be in. I feel your pain deeply my friend, really I do. Only I'm the dad in my situation. I will pray for you and your family son. Enjoy the time you have with you dad as much as possible. Good luck. God Bless.

Decisions

Sorry to hear about your Dad.  Any decision made should be his and his alone.  My husband  (77) after undergoing, 70 rounds of radiation, many rounds of chemo and surgery, decided to stop all treatment.  While I and our sons didn't agree with him, it was his decision to make because after all he is the one going thru everything.  His health before diagnosis was generally good, no other major health problems.  Even his doctors agreed with him.  The only thing offered after after his reoccurrence and spread was chemo and we were told up front that it wouldn't cure him, could hasten his death, or prolong it.  And talk about weight lost -- my husband is 6'4" and now only weighs 124 lbs.  Never was overweight but has been loosing weight steadily for the last month.  

Cancer changes the person is all I can say.  As far as the smoking, I guess your father feels he doesn't have much time left, so why stop what he loves to do.  And your father is lucky if he can still eat.  My husband has been on a feeding tube for the last 2 1/2 years and can't swallow anything.   Yes my husband gets angry, depressed, hurtful but he takes Ativan to help and it does help him.  But he still has his bad days with anxiety and anger and know he thinks why me.  He used to be a big beer drinker (stopped over 10 years ago cold turkey) and was a pipe smoking until 4 years ago when first diagnosed with cancer, and stopped that cold turkey too.  We have two sons who smoke and you would think they would stop after seeing what they father has gone thru and is going thru but no, same for two DIL's.  People also think it won't happen to them, but guess what they are wrong, it can happen to anyone.

I have always said that only one person controls our destiny and that is the man upstairs and I am not all that religious.  When people ask how do I handle this, I always say I'm just along for the ride and believe me it isn't fun, but I let my husband do what he wants when he can and when he gets mad and angry, I get mad and angry right back.  

Wishing you and your family the best

Just love him

Just spend every minute you can loving him. He has to make the decision to fight or die on his own. I know from personal experience that is extremely difficult to understand, accept, and allow. Just love him don't let your last memories of him be the begging, pleading, hashing and rehashing of getting treatments, battling the disease, etc. Don't let his last memories be of you doing this. Just love him...

FeliWeli said:

Dennycee thank you

For replying. It was definitely eye-opening. 

You're right. He does seem like he has made up his mind on what he wants. I think we need to have a long talk with him and have him actually tell us in his own words. He is a very stubborn man that doesn't show a lot of emotions (normally), so I don't know how far we will get with him.

He has been on anti depressants, pain, and anxiety meds: citalopram, ativan, percoset, moraphine, marinol, loratabs...he is also taking the nausea medicine.The list goes on,  .

That's a great idea about asking him to tell me things. Would it be weird to video tape him telling me about them? Like an interview/documentary type thing? That way all of his grandkids can see it and know more about their grandpa.

Videography

It's a great idea IF he consents.  Otherwise, maybe a voice recorder.  The idea is to remind him that you love him and that his has led a life worth recalling.  He's done a great job if you are a measure of the love and caring he inspires.  

the road you travel
I first want to extend my sympathy to you and your father, as well as the rest of the people who are feeling all of the horrible and erratic feelings that go along with his multiple diseases. My travel down the road you started in late July/early August ended when my mother succumbed to 4th stage adenocarcinoma (lung cancer) July 12th 2014, one day before her 70th birthday. 2 days after her cancer diagnosis she was also found to have a quarter sized brain met which was located on her left frontal lobe and surgically removed the met immediately. I was with her through it all, starting November 6th 2012 as her caregiver first, and her daughter when it fit the time. Please feel free to add me as a friend if you would like to inquire about anything or just talk. I will not fill up the page with my story although I could, but I will try to provide some insight to your questions or the way I dealt with things.

Overlooking/not noticing what later is said to be cancer happens often from what I heard, and it happened to my mom as well. I was told that with the years of smoking, constant chronic cough and reoccuring bronchitis, it is possible that it was mistaken for scaring of her lung. Pushing symptoms and signs under the carpet or implying it is something short term is another habit exhibited by many people. My mothers lung tumor was in her right lower lobe, the size of a softball they say, measuring 6mm across and 8mm around. They said it took the tumor 2 years to get that big and within those two years she had a minimum of 6 chest xrays. How they could have overlooked the same thing on 6 different occassions is a good question.

The tumors shrinking is definately a good thing and they may continue to do so a little more even after the chemo is complete. I am not understanding why they cant do radiation to the lung cancer. What role does the stomach cancer play in their decision not to provide radiation treatment? Will it not provide him a bit more of an extension in his life to be with his loved ones?

Your fathers behaviors, like seeming as if he doesn't care by continuing to smoke and eat unhealthy, could be because he sees no point in correcting anything now. Even though it is not a miracle cure if he did,it could add some time with his family. My mom continued to smoke to, and I thought as you did, why care if they don't, but I quickly realized who was going to be out the most at the end. Many people start smoking because it seems to relieve stress and relax them. Imagine what is going through their minds and how scared they must be. It plays its roll as the calming mechanism while they silently deal with the situation all alone. I feel that when a parent falls ill, they choose to bottle up all their erratic thought, emotional fluctuations and fear. They try to continue being the strong protective parent while in the presence of their children. My mom never spoke one word to me about her feelings, fears, thoughts or concerns. She bottled them and took them with her when she left me.

The will power, desire to fight, strength, and drive needs to come from the people around him. By pushing positives, supporting his choices, understanding his concerns, showing him infinite amounts of love, encouraging him to try the available treatments but at the same time provide him the option of not continuing them if they are bothersome. That will let him know that your willing to accept his decisions if he at least gives what they offer a chance. Tell him you feel that if he does try and it doesn't bother him, it provides you a bit more time with him, and that's all you want out of all of this. You nor him can control the inevitable, but working at it together, fighting the battle together, respecting each others reasons, supporting him and being the coach of his willpower and strength will give both of you an extension to enjoy one another.

My mom never talked to me about how she felt, but when I addressed her illness I didn't pamper the situation. It was cancer and neither of us want it, or asked for it, but we have it and we must deal with it. Refusing her nebulizer treatments was an ongoing issue. I tried to reason with her before I couldn't watch her cough and struggle any longer, then I laid it out in black and white. I would tell her its not a game and even though we have been lucky with catching her airway constricting before it was to late, shes gonna refuse one to many times and I'm not going to do anything, she will then realize how serious her games were. Those hard reality slaps worked for awhile but she would fall back into her refusal game again.

You need plenty of strength, love, support, and understanding. We never want to lose our parents, and sometimes we take over making their decisions because we think they aren't making the best ones for themselves. I feel they are adults and as well as parents and if they want to continue engaging in the same unhealthy behavior which caused them to become terminal, respect there decision for nothing more then they are your parent.