Just cried like a baby

MsGebby · January 2012

for 2 days. I usually hold it all in. Not much "family" support on my end. And I have 7 brothers and 1 sister. I hear "we're not the soft and cuddly kind of family". It really hurts me to hear them say that.

My sister on the other hand is very persistent and always asking questions and giving advise. She is a cardiology nurse and for the most part doesn't know much about cancer. She knows I have breast cancer but what she didn't know is the part where I have to wait to see if nodules in my lungs grow. I didn't want to say anything to her or any other family member. Well, you guessed it, I said something and now wish I didn't say a word. Somehow, I feel I can't get cancer right!

Have any of you felt this way? I am a very touchy feely kind of gal. I want to help in any way I can. Even if it's just a phone call. How can someone NOT get cancer right? I hear "it's only stage II". And "at least having stage II is good, right?"

After my conversation with my sister, I cried for 2 days. I feel abandoned by the rest of the family. I have built a new family which consists of many friends and this wonderful group of PINK sisters. I am blessed and very grateful. But not having my own flesh and blood support is very hurtful.

Sorry for the rant. I needed to get this off my chest.

Love you all and pray for OUR good health and well being.

Mary

SIROD · January 2012

When On an Emotional See Saw, Pity Party Permitted
Hi Mary,

Sometimes having a "pity party" is what one needs. You are going through radiation treatments and that is an emotional see-saw you are on. Your sister may be a nurse but she doesn't know all the particulars of every disease and diagnose. She is in cardiology not oncology, right?

Every stage is awful as we become hostage to the disease. Stage 0-3, are always waiting for the other foot to fall (a recurrence). Every back pain, headache, slight cough, right pain ache and one thinks it is back. Stage IV every scan brings the fear it might be worse than the one before. There is no such thing as it is only stage 0, 1, 2, 3! Inform your sister of what it really means, being a nurse isn't going to make her understand what it is like to have a diagnose of breast cancer.

My family lived in another state, a good distance away when I was diagnose. After 17 years, they are not to concern where I am today. After all these years, I rarely speak about it with them. Sometimes I mention a recent scan and where I am.

Online forums such as this one and the others provides the emotional support with those of like minds.
If you could possibly join a local group, that would be good for you. It helps to meet others in the same situation. Have you checked to see if there is a local support group for BC?

Ranting is good to do and allows the built up pressure to escape into a positive atmosphere.

Best,

Doris

Jobi · January 2012

Crying is okay!
Hi, Mary,

No apologies needed for the rant! I had one earlier, and sometimes it is just so necessary. I have a supportive family, but they live several hours away, so it is in some ways like being abandoned...especially when the calls become fewer and fewer. All I can say is what others have said, find your family in friends and neighbors. My work place has created a meal train for me. My first week back to work was this past week. I had a meal waiting for me everyday at the end of the work day. Friends have been the ones to go to my appointments. I know that not having your own flesh and blood be supportive is hurtful, but try to focus on friends and the PINK sisters who will ALWAYS be here!

Stay strong!
Dorene

gagee · January 2012

Family?
I married and moved away at 18and now I am 64. Have not had much family support before and didn't expect much with the cancer. But.... I know how you feel and it would be nice to have family (blood) but knowing everyone here is here to give you their all makes it much better. May I add my prayers to you.

Hugs and many prayers, Diana

ladyg · January 2012

We are here for you.
You can rant to us all you want. That is one of the things we are here for.
I don't know how I would have made it through without support from my husband and daughter and mother. My sister and brothers were as supportive as they could be since we are 3000 miles apart.

Hugs,
Georgia

Texasgirl10 · January 2012

ladyg said:
We are here for you.
You can rant to us all you want. That is one of the things we are here for.
I don't know how I would have made it through without support from my husband and daughter and mother. My sister and brothers were as supportive as they could be since we are 3000 miles apart.

Hugs,
Georgia

Sending you lots of hugs
Im sending you lots of hugs. I am so sorry that you are not receiving your family's support. Maybe your siblings feel if they don't acknowledge the fact that you have cancer then you won't have it. Pretty crazy thinking, but I have heard of some people doing this.

Please know that your pink sisters & brothers love & care about you. You are not alone in this courageous battle that you are fighting. I know that a cyber hug is not the same as a physical hug, but I'm sending them to you anyway.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Hugs,

Dawne

carkris · January 2012

ladyg said:
We are here for you.
You can rant to us all you want. That is one of the things we are here for.
I don't know how I would have made it through without support from my husband and daughter and mother. My sister and brothers were as supportive as they could be since we are 3000 miles apart.

Hugs,
Georgia

Nothing like being sick to
Nothing like being sick to make us want the comfort of family. this happens no matter how old we are. It is so hard as the reality is family is not always as we want them to be and this hurts. I have found friends to be just like family and so helpful. I think that people think nurses are always compassionate and understanding. However I am a nurse and they can be some of the most disfunctional people. sometimes I dont get what my colleagues dont see. some of them were exceptional to me but some did not get it and were incrdibly unsupportive. so just because your SIL is a nurse doesnt mean she is capable of understanding you. Crying is a good thing, sometimes you just have to let down and admit this sucks. However we get it, and we care. I am sure your family loves you and cares, they just arent able to get it and you cant make people do that. so take what people can offer and reach out to others for the things you need. support is important you deserve this. Interesting enough someone at work who I like a lot, said to me "you think you would be over that" just recently got diagnosed with lung cancer. I do not wish cancer on anyone EVER and I am so sad, but cant help wondering when she will get over it. HUGS

Frankie Shannon · January 2012

I am so sorry you don't get
I am so sorry you don't get the emotional support from your family that we all need at times like this.Some times i just don't understand people but remember your pink sisters are always here for you, i know its not the same as your own flesh and blood.
Strength.Courage and Love.Hugs Frankie

laughs_a_lot · January 2012

OK
There is only one way to get cancer right. That is to not get it at all. So you don't meet up to your sister's expectations. Too bad for her. "Only stage 2" is minimizing the threat that this diagnosis poses.

I too grew up with 7 brothers but no sisters. I am an outspoken, go getter, Tomboy type. That really irritates a good many of my siblings, as they were brought up to think that women were not so smart, and I pretty much proved them wrong. No touchy feely people here either, but the one thing we tend to do is pray for each other. The only good thing about not being touchy feely was the fact that I was very objective and heard a lot of what the doctor said. I figured I could cry later. And I did.

Having been a former military wife I learned to make family from those who show thier support. I have church family that know a whole lot more about the real me than any of my brothers. And the reason they do is because they take the time to get to know me, unlike my brothers.

dmc_emmy · January 2012

there then gone again
Family support is a "fuuny" thing. When I was diagnosed with cancer, my father said that he wished it was him and not me. My mother cried. That was five years ago. Now, that I'm "cured" and they seem to have forgotten that phone call I made to them on Dec 13, 2005. They think I'm "ok" now so they can go back into hiding. When you have cancer, or any other traumatic life-changing event, you find out who is truly there for you. I have one dear friend who has been my ongoing support, then and now. Since she has been through it all with me,and was there to hug my daughter, I know that she will be around for a life-time. Sad, but it happens all the time, some love is-plain and simple-conditional...and it seems that families comprise the greatest number of conditional love-givers. I've learned to turn to my true friends (and they are very few in number), monitor carefully what I say to my family, and shield myself with a self-resolve to be strong and not vulnerable to being hurt. Sometimes, it is lonely...but that's when my daughter and beloved faithful Emmy fill the void. Sometimes, I become over-whelmed with envy when I find others who have such an amazing support system. When you have cancer you need to find that special someone who will stand by you regardless. If it helps at all, I just wanted to share this with you because I do understand and to let you know that your tears are justified--You're not alone. I shed them, too.

sea60 · January 2012

Being sicks brings that out
Being sicks brings that out in us. Crying with so much emotion.

Praying for you and ALL for health!

Hugs,

Sylvia

Lynn Smith · January 2012

sea60 said:
Being sicks brings that out
Being sicks brings that out in us. Crying with so much emotion.

Praying for you and ALL for health!

Hugs,

Sylvia

There were 3 girls
There were 3 girls in my family.I was the oldest and the other 2 picked on me. Later my middle sister said she was sorry but I don't remember the bad things. There wasn't alot of good things to remember the way they acted but I tried to block it.Now my middle sister is gone and my younger sister and I talk.Our parents are gone and we have 2 aunts left in the family in their 90's. Not alot of support here but I was Stage 0, no chemo or radiation so I didn't go through alot like so many others.Still I want respect and want some attention. Now alot has changed with my husband.Just in the last few months I make my appt when he can go.We always shop together and say I love you several times a day and many times kiss each other before he leaves for work and when he comes home.Not always but more than we ever did before. It was something I needed.

For having 3 sons it has been a nightmare.My daughter-in-laws don't get along with me. Never liked me.I don't talk to 2 of them.With the chaos they cause I prefer to be left alone. I was raised with manners and if they don't have any I don't want them around. My sons understand. My husband and I have been blessed with many other things but for those that came into the family we're not so blessed.

Praying gets me through it all.

Lynn Smith

VickiSam · January 2012

dmc_emmy said:
there then gone again
Family support is a "fuuny" thing. When I was diagnosed with cancer, my father said that he wished it was him and not me. My mother cried. That was five years ago. Now, that I'm "cured" and they seem to have forgotten that phone call I made to them on Dec 13, 2005. They think I'm "ok" now so they can go back into hiding. When you have cancer, or any other traumatic life-changing event, you find out who is truly there for you. I have one dear friend who has been my ongoing support, then and now. Since she has been through it all with me,and was there to hug my daughter, I know that she will be around for a life-time. Sad, but it happens all the time, some love is-plain and simple-conditional...and it seems that families comprise the greatest number of conditional love-givers. I've learned to turn to my true friends (and they are very few in number), monitor carefully what I say to my family, and shield myself with a self-resolve to be strong and not vulnerable to being hurt. Sometimes, it is lonely...but that's when my daughter and beloved faithful Emmy fill the void. Sometimes, I become over-whelmed with envy when I find others who have such an amazing support system. When you have cancer you need to find that special someone who will stand by you regardless. If it helps at all, I just wanted to share this with you because I do understand and to let you know that your tears are justified--You're not alone. I shed them, too.

dmc emmy ... 'stated' it all
your heart is as big as the moon === so whether you are facing an illness, uncertainty, or just a low point in your life -- you, like me,expect our loved ones, family and friends to step up to the plate and surround us with unconditional love, support and hope. Sadly, this does not always happen. It hurts so much, as we always give so much of ourselves to others -- and our love and support is not reciprocated.

My new Motto .... after... my breast cancer journey is:

'You get, what you give' ...

Mary, you such a loving and gentle spirit -- Please do not allow anyone to make you feel insignificant, or unworthy of their time, love or support.

Strength, Courage and Hope.

Vicki Sam

janie560 · January 2012

My family was there for me
My family was there for me in the beginning but they just do not get the long term worry of recurrance. They do not get as involved and reseach it as someone who actually has cancer.

chenheart · January 2012

I know that my long time
I know that my long time friends here ( I have been part of this CSN family since 2003) will forgive me and yup, skip right over reading the Hogwarts analogy or maybe even my Rollercoaster post~ but they have actually been helpful to lots of us here on the boards who are rather new to the whole cancer/family/neighbor/coworker dynamic!
So...I will try and locate them in my favorites and re-post them...I hope it helps you! Because for the most part, you are correct, they don't get it! And I wonder if I said the wrong thing to others before I got it as well. Probably!

You are among Kindred Spirits here~ we soooo get it!

Hugs and hang in there!
Chen♥

chenheart · January 2012

The Emotional Rollercoaster!

I am the Mistress of Repetition when I find something which I think works! So, as always, I trust my longtime sisters here on the boards will forgive me for giving once again, my description of the Emotional Rollercoaster we are on..

Not only are we on a rollercoater, but OMG~the seatbelt is broken, there is oil on the tracks, and it's starting to rain! So, you know what we do? We hang on for dear life! We are so glad that at least we aren't on the rollercoaster by ourself~ someone is sitting next to us, equally afraid, and we give each other "the look" hoping to gain courage from whoever is with us on the ride of our lives. We hold onto each other, scared but trying to be brave, though we sometimes give way to tears as we fly through the loops and turns, not knowing if we are going to get off of this ride alive.

But you know what? After what seems like an eternity the coaster has come to a complete stop, we find we are ALIVE! We are battered and bruised, and soo afraid of rollercoasters, but we get off of that ride and collapse in tears that we are SURVIVORS!!!

Every now and then, we are made aware that the carnival has come to town, and just seeing the rollercoaster makes us emotionally re-live the fear. But we also know that no matter what,we are not alone; we can take on the day and be victorious!

Hugs,
Chen♥

chenheart · January 2012

Close your eyes Long-timers! Hogwarts analogy is revisiting! LOL

So many new ones have joined our family of Kindred Spirits lately~we sigh that you have had to find us, but of course welcome you with open ♥

You may have noticed, or even posted about the fact that many of our friends, family members, co-workers and neighbors just don't "get it" and make what seem to be ( and sometimes ARE!) insensitive, rude, and dismissive comments about us and how we look, etc.

You don't know me well, but if you hang around the boards long enough,you will notice 2 things about me~I "steal" quotes that I like and apply them to our lives regularly, and I also liken our lives to books/movies! Who knew we would be Stars?! :-) And today, we are friends and schoolmates with no less than Harry Potter and Hermione and the entire gang!

So~ welcome to CSN, also known as Hogwarts~ the boarding school for witches and wizards! Like you, we were truly surprised when we realized that we would be leaving the lives we had known to enter a place so strange and unknown to us. Upon arriving, we were shocked to see how many witches and wizards already live here~ we thought it would be a tiny place, and that we would be isolated and alone. But No! Freshman, Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors, along with a host of professors surrounded us. Though it was frightening being the new one, we looked to the upperclassmen, those graduating, wondering if we would ever survive the curriculum.

Eventually, we settled in, and made good friends with other witches and wizards! Turns out, it's alot like any old school, after all! We know who the smart ones are, the social butterflies, the competitive one, the shy ones, the troubled ones, etc. We come into "home room", say hello to everyone, and hang out with our friends!

Our aforementioned families/friends/coworkers who don't "get it" are, of course, The Muggles. It isn't their fault~they are not part of the Hogwart student body and they really don't know quite how to relate to us. They look at us through different eyes, they are a bit afraid of us, puzzled by changes they see in us, and they want us back the way we were BEFORE we were tapped by the faculty at Hogwarts. Some of our Muggle family members are proud of the achievements we make, and they don't mind meeting our classmates. But some...well, they distance themselves and can't bring themselves to stay connected . It is discouraging...

So, take your seat here at Hogwarts! Know that those here with you are very much like you in ways you never imagined. You are indeed different, but that doesn't make you any less valuable. Educate yourself while you are here,and join in with the extra-curricular activities ! We exchange holiday ornaments, we celebrate birthdays, we visit each other, and most of all, we communicate and connect in important, life-long ways.

Oh, and feel free to borrow the notes and books you find here~ we are all willing to share what we learned in the previous semesters!! Asking questions and copying is actually encouraged!

Hugs,
Chen♥

debi.18 · January 2012

chenheart said:
Close your eyes Long-timers! Hogwarts analogy is revisiting! LOL

So many new ones have joined our family of Kindred Spirits lately~we sigh that you have had to find us, but of course welcome you with open ♥

You may have noticed, or even posted about the fact that many of our friends, family members, co-workers and neighbors just don't "get it" and make what seem to be ( and sometimes ARE!) insensitive, rude, and dismissive comments about us and how we look, etc.

You don't know me well, but if you hang around the boards long enough,you will notice 2 things about me~I "steal" quotes that I like and apply them to our lives regularly, and I also liken our lives to books/movies! Who knew we would be Stars?! :-) And today, we are friends and schoolmates with no less than Harry Potter and Hermione and the entire gang!

So~ welcome to CSN, also known as Hogwarts~ the boarding school for witches and wizards! Like you, we were truly surprised when we realized that we would be leaving the lives we had known to enter a place so strange and unknown to us. Upon arriving, we were shocked to see how many witches and wizards already live here~ we thought it would be a tiny place, and that we would be isolated and alone. But No! Freshman, Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors, along with a host of professors surrounded us. Though it was frightening being the new one, we looked to the upperclassmen, those graduating, wondering if we would ever survive the curriculum.

Eventually, we settled in, and made good friends with other witches and wizards! Turns out, it's alot like any old school, after all! We know who the smart ones are, the social butterflies, the competitive one, the shy ones, the troubled ones, etc. We come into "home room", say hello to everyone, and hang out with our friends!

Our aforementioned families/friends/coworkers who don't "get it" are, of course, The Muggles. It isn't their fault~they are not part of the Hogwart student body and they really don't know quite how to relate to us. They look at us through different eyes, they are a bit afraid of us, puzzled by changes they see in us, and they want us back the way we were BEFORE we were tapped by the faculty at Hogwarts. Some of our Muggle family members are proud of the achievements we make, and they don't mind meeting our classmates. But some...well, they distance themselves and can't bring themselves to stay connected . It is discouraging...

So, take your seat here at Hogwarts! Know that those here with you are very much like you in ways you never imagined. You are indeed different, but that doesn't make you any less valuable. Educate yourself while you are here,and join in with the extra-curricular activities ! We exchange holiday ornaments, we celebrate birthdays, we visit each other, and most of all, we communicate and connect in important, life-long ways.

Oh, and feel free to borrow the notes and books you find here~ we are all willing to share what we learned in the previous semesters!! Asking questions and copying is actually encouraged!

Hugs,
Chen♥

Thanks Chen!
Thanks Chen!! I think you covered it all....love ya!

I have to say, I've had wonderful amazing support from my family, but the support here is different....everyone here just "gets it"

Hugs, Debi

katyjoyce · January 2012

mine not necessarily soft and cuddly either
Hi Mary, I am so sorry to read that it seems you feel abandoned by your family. I just joined this forum and the comments I read in response to your message were wonderful and supportive. I hope you don't mind my two cents...

I just lost both of my "DD" on Dec. 30th. My mom, her sister and two of their aunts all died from breast cancer and now I am the person now with dealing with a life threatening monster. I was devastated when I found out about my mother and watched her go through it for 3 years. Except for my mom, I too have a family that is not very "soft and cuddly" - stuff those feeling it how it usually is. My sister sounds like yours - very intelligent but she has a hard time with empathy. I know my brothers, sister, and dad love me, but they will not always show it the way I need them to. So unfortunately sometimes I need to show or tell them what I need. Concerning our brothers remember men (in general) only want to deal with something they can fix, and they can't fix this for you so they are lost. It's funny but my sister is kind of the same way. Next time your are crying call one of them and tell them "I just feel so alone and need to speak with someone I love". If they are like my family they really won't know what to say, but I'll bet you hear an I love you. Help them open up and express themselves. After years I have decided to stop enabling them in their fear of their feelings.

I feel very deeply that even though I am the person with cancer I still understand that those who love me have it in a way also. When we knew my mother was not going to make it I was crying and I said "mom you get to go see God and I have to say here without you". I know it was very selfish of me, but the angel that she was she said "oh honey, I believe this is harder on you and your dad than me". Now that I am going through this my biggest fear is for those that I might leave behind. Although I currently do feel so alone a lot as I am the one with cancer, all this make me understand that I truly am not. I wish for you that understand even though your family does not appear to be capable to show it to you in the way you need. By the way, it doesn't have to be blood that gives that to you.

Really didn't expect to write this much, my apology. Although I do hope there might be something helpful in it for you.

hugs, Katy

disneyfan2008 · January 2012

Rant away...I get it...some
Rant away...I get it...some family very caring and compassionate and others not...I think many families like this...but I also had GREAT friends who went above and beyond. (Vt friend drove down for the day to be with me at surgery-can't beat that)

some family never mentioned or asked..maybe they dont' know how to handle things...not that it makes it right or easier for you..

we all can relate and listen here..

I used journals which seemed silly at the time..but now I see it as helpful..

Denise

MsGebby · January 2012

O.....M.....G
How did I get do lucky? I have tears (again) but these tears flow because of the relief I feel.

So many of you have driven home something I very much believe in. THAT IS :: One can make the family that one needs to be surrounded with. I do have to say that I get the "hey how are you" message from the family a lot. But I know they don't truly want to know what is going on.

When my friends call and ask how I'm doing, I often just say "I'm fine, how are you?" For which I get this next question ::: How are you REALLY? I then ask if they REALLY want to know. Of course, they always say yes!

From the messages I just read, I understand a bit better now that they may not want to know because they are just as scared as I am. It was an epipany of sorts and I laughed nervously when I came to this conclusion. WHY? Because as a child I was often the child who was abused. It took me 7 years to get ALL that crap out with a therapist and to move on. My family was the same way. They didn't remember the atrocities that I was subject to. When I thought about it, I realized they must've buried those memories...just like me. They were kids and could do nothing to help their sister. I guess that's how it is now. So sad. It's just truly sad. I feel for them but can't help them if they don't ask questions. SO, I will stick to my guns and keep them at a comfortable distance. I made my sister swear she would not tell anyone else about my condition. She took it as a threat, but too bad. At least give me this request. It's not asking too much.

Miss Chen ... I have this phrase that you might like. Actually, it's for all of you.

SOMETIMES
WE EXPECT MORE FROM OTHERS
BECAUSE
WE WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THAT FOR THEM

That pretty much somes up how I am. I will do whatever I can to reach out to someone. I don't know how I managed to learn to be this way when it looks and feels like the rest of the family missed this lesson.

Thank you for letting me cry and rant. My husband is always here for me. He just gets overwhelmed sometimes and can't come up with the words to sooth my aching heart. He is my rock and my best friend. He is everything to me and I know with certainty, if he weren't in my world, my world would have ended long ago.

Cheers to The Hogwarts! May the force be with you! (OK --- that's another movie, but it works, right?)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Mary

Just cried like a baby

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