Please don't judge me - a caregiver's story

cky7869

It has been nearly 6 months since my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 Prostate Cancer that has metastasized to his lungs and ribs.  My parents were not prepared for this...they had no insurance and no idea what to do.  I worked tirelessly to get them covered on Medicaid, get them to the right specialist, and arrange everything.  When my father turned 65 recently, I had to go through it all over again making sure he had the right coverage.  I made time during my full time job to come visit them from over 4 states away where I live to meet with doctors, lawyers, social security office, etc.  I did this all on my own, with minimal help from my then fiance.  I had originally thought this was a blessing as it had allowed me and my father to get closer and repair our long strained relationship.  However over the past 2 months I have had fights with my fiance who I felt was financially abusing me, never having paid any rent for over 5 years of living together after years of promises to do so and I found myself in a whole lot of debt (50k+).  I did not want to bring this up to my parents as they were struggling, but like most things, the truth always has a way of coming out.  They found out what was going on and pushed me to end things with him.  It has only been about 2 weeks since I have moved out and ended things, and I am very depressed about the whole situation.  However, I have not let that hinder me in aiding my parents and taking care of everything so my father need only focus on his treatment.  It was then my parents told me that they had some funds stashed away and they wanted to help me out of my financial crisis.  I did not want to take this help from them as I know their situation but they were insistent.  However in the past few weeks since all this has happened, I have spent more time at their home and I now see that my mother is severly depressed because of the way my father treats her.  He has always had a tendancy to be verbally and emotionally abusive to all our family members, deflecting blame on everyone else but him.  However now that he is sick, it is magnified and she has been walking on eggshells.  I also learned that 2 years ago he had put my mother through hell, screaming and raging at her for nearly an entire year because of a misunderstanding he refused to acknowledge (he accused her of emotionally cheating on him).  My mother has been nothing but good to him, she was the sole breadwinner and also played the "wife" role cooking and cleaning even after a long day of work.  She is still working despite everything as they need money to survive.  Now his anger and rage have turned to me.  He accuses me of horrible things and constantly attacks my character...even going so far as to saying I deserve what happened to me and I brought it upon myself.  As other caretakers have mentioned, it is never enough...he does not seem to care or acknowledge everything I do for them.  Even the financial help initially pushed upon me is now being threatened on a day to day basis....saying I am undeserving so "forget it!"  I am physically sick and mentally and emotionally drained...I have grown up with this man and his emotional abuse.  When he gets into one of his rages he refuses to eat and take his medication, and blames us for making him upset.  I am sorry if I sound dramatic, as I know others have been in a caretaker role for much longer than I have.  I am hoping *those who have been at this longer* can please give me some insight on how best to deal with this situation, as I feel suicidal at this point.  I have no support system and am only getting blamed for everything, even things beyond my control.  Thank you for reading.

Noellesmom

First of all

Take a breath and then exhale.  You have been through a lot in a short amount of time.

Your dad: mentally ill, abusive, unbalanced people get cancer everyday and categorizing for them is extremely difficult as the illnesses and/or their treatments intensify their issues. If hospice has not been called it should be brought up.   Medicare will pay for this and your mom could get respite care. 

Your mom: she may feel the need to follow this through to the bitter end with your dad.

 You: you are doing the best you can with a difficult situation.

Lifting prayers.

 

Catholic

I have a wife who was

I have a wife who was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago (at age 35).  Before she was diagnosed, she was angry for years and became enraged about little things. My wife called the police on me all the time and said horrible things and I was investigated by police, social services and more.  It was really bad. Then finally she went to the clinic and was diagnosed was breast cancer.  Then chemotherapy.  And its not like chemotherapy and/or her current status of just waiting for any new health news has improved her temper.  There are plenty of times I wanted to divorce her and very few times where she privately confessed that she is scared of dying and appreciated me.

Your mother has been the primary caregiver.  Your mother sounds like she has earned a gold medal in patience.  If you dad was diagnosed 6 months ago, then he should have went to the clinic 5 years ago and he didnt.  For probably the past 5 years, your mother has endured a difficult journey and she (like me) has had thoughts of "why me" and how do get I out of this situation.  Whatever abuse he has inflicted on your mother, its something your mother and father have to work out.  My 10 year old daughter steps in occasionally with advice on how to handle my wife (her mom) and I always tell her to politely butt out.  Your mom sounds like she is going to continue this journey with your dad and stay strong and you have to respect that decision and let her be.  It doesnt mean you cant call her often or take her out for dinner or be nice.

Respectively and politely, it sounds like you were living your own life.  Your were engaged and lived 4 states away.  And somehow now you live with your parents and living with a couple where one has cancer is very difficult.  Respectively, I think you need to find your own place and move out and keep in touch.  Your mom can use your support.  Call her.  Talk to her.  Write letters.  She sounds depressed and trust me when I say, I know exactly what she is going through.  As a parent though, I dont want my kids seeing their mother like she is.  They see her but when she gets enraged about things, they leave and go upstairs and after taking a verbal lashing, I typically join them and try to explain that their mom is not a bad person, just not well.  Your mom has been the primary caregiver; give her support and keep talking to her but consider getting an apartment and take a big step back away from this.  If your feeling suicidal, you have to take a big step back and take care of yourself.

I cant comment on your ex-finance and financial issues.  I would focus on supporting your mom and writing letters and telling her about your day and asking her how she is doing and keeping in touch regularly and take care of yourself. 

I hope this helps.

1917

I am sorry you and your mother suffer

This sounds toxic please see a professional Also inform the doctors treating him So they can assess if additional psychochemical interventions are needed for mental health. Also, you mentioned veterans so I assume you mean people experienced with care taking? If by chance you mean military please contact the veteran's administration ASAP to see if he and his dependents can benifit from him getting serviced connected. I wish you peace.

cky7869

Catholic said:

I have a wife who was

I have a wife who was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago (at age 35).  Before she was diagnosed, she was angry for years and became enraged about little things. My wife called the police on me all the time and said horrible things and I was investigated by police, social services and more.  It was really bad. Then finally she went to the clinic and was diagnosed was breast cancer.  Then chemotherapy.  And its not like chemotherapy and/or her current status of just waiting for any new health news has improved her temper.  There are plenty of times I wanted to divorce her and very few times where she privately confessed that she is scared of dying and appreciated me.

Your mother has been the primary caregiver.  Your mother sounds like she has earned a gold medal in patience.  If you dad was diagnosed 6 months ago, then he should have went to the clinic 5 years ago and he didnt.  For probably the past 5 years, your mother has endured a difficult journey and she (like me) has had thoughts of "why me" and how do get I out of this situation.  Whatever abuse he has inflicted on your mother, its something your mother and father have to work out.  My 10 year old daughter steps in occasionally with advice on how to handle my wife (her mom) and I always tell her to politely butt out.  Your mom sounds like she is going to continue this journey with your dad and stay strong and you have to respect that decision and let her be.  It doesnt mean you cant call her often or take her out for dinner or be nice.

Respectively and politely, it sounds like you were living your own life.  Your were engaged and lived 4 states away.  And somehow now you live with your parents and living with a couple where one has cancer is very difficult.  Respectively, I think you need to find your own place and move out and keep in touch.  Your mom can use your support.  Call her.  Talk to her.  Write letters.  She sounds depressed and trust me when I say, I know exactly what she is going through.  As a parent though, I dont want my kids seeing their mother like she is.  They see her but when she gets enraged about things, they leave and go upstairs and after taking a verbal lashing, I typically join them and try to explain that their mom is not a bad person, just not well.  Your mom has been the primary caregiver; give her support and keep talking to her but consider getting an apartment and take a big step back away from this.  If your feeling suicidal, you have to take a big step back and take care of yourself.

I cant comment on your ex-finance and financial issues.  I would focus on supporting your mom and writing letters and telling her about your day and asking her how she is doing and keeping in touch regularly and take care of yourself. 

I hope this helps.

Thank you for your story and

Thank you for your story and the advice.  To help put things into context, my parents are first generation immigrants who have failed to assimilate to American culture even though they have spent the majority of their life here.  Starting from the age of 8-9 I was forced to be an interpreter talking to lawyers, doctors, realtors, etc in their stead.  I was a very shy child and this caused me a lot of stress.  I have tried to create some distance for years as I was very resentful that they only called me when they needed me to do things for them (which was all the time), they did not seem grateful that I was using my own time and money to help them, and they would call me during work/school hours with little regard to my situation.  Add to that heaps and heaps of blame and guilt for not doing enough or performing well enough...this is not something that has started with the diagnosis...it has just amplified it.  I shuffle back and forth between my apartment and their house, and at this point I was only going to give support to my mother.  Add to this that recently I was diagnosed by two separate specialists for ADHD, anxiety, and depression...my parents do not believe in mental disorders and kept pushing me not to take my medication.  I see now that taking a break from the meds exacerbated my depressed state and made me feel suicidal...that is a mistake I will not repeat.  I feel as though I don't have a choice because they are so helpless if I don't intervene...my father would already be dead if I had not stepped in to make sure he went to see the right doctor, got insurance coverage, and was taking the right medications at the right time.  There are still a lot of issues that need sorting out that they cannot do on their own (their house, taxes, etc).

Everything else aside I have scheduled for him to see a specialist who will give him the psychological evaluation he desperately needs.  I am hoping that they are able to figure out what is going on with him and get him on a treatment plan...I cannot keep taking his anger, blame, and threats that he will not eat, take his meds, or continue his treatment.  Fingers crossed.

cky7869

1917 said:

I am sorry you and your mother suffer

This sounds toxic please see a professional Also inform the doctors treating him So they can assess if additional psychochemical interventions are needed for mental health. Also, you mentioned veterans so I assume you mean people experienced with care taking? If by chance you mean military please contact the veteran's administration ASAP to see if he and his dependents can benifit from him getting serviced connected. I wish you peace.

I have started going to a

I have started going to a therapist to help me work through these issues.  I apologize for the confusion, I meant to reference those caretakers who have been on the journey for some time who could offer up some advice on how to cope.  I have edited my original post.  Thank you.

cky7869

Noellesmom said:

First of all

Take a breath and then exhale.  You have been through a lot in a short amount of time.

Your dad: mentally ill, abusive, unbalanced people get cancer everyday and categorizing for them is extremely difficult as the illnesses and/or their treatments intensify their issues. If hospice has not been called it should be brought up.   Medicare will pay for this and your mom could get respite care. 

Your mom: she may feel the need to follow this through to the bitter end with your dad.

 You: you are doing the best you can with a difficult situation.

Lifting prayers.

 

Thank you for the support, it

Thank you for the support, it means more than you know

Catholic

cky7869 said:

Thank you for your story and

Thank you for your story and the advice.  To help put things into context, my parents are first generation immigrants who have failed to assimilate to American culture even though they have spent the majority of their life here.  Starting from the age of 8-9 I was forced to be an interpreter talking to lawyers, doctors, realtors, etc in their stead.  I was a very shy child and this caused me a lot of stress.  I have tried to create some distance for years as I was very resentful that they only called me when they needed me to do things for them (which was all the time), they did not seem grateful that I was using my own time and money to help them, and they would call me during work/school hours with little regard to my situation.  Add to that heaps and heaps of blame and guilt for not doing enough or performing well enough...this is not something that has started with the diagnosis...it has just amplified it.  I shuffle back and forth between my apartment and their house, and at this point I was only going to give support to my mother.  Add to this that recently I was diagnosed by two separate specialists for ADHD, anxiety, and depression...my parents do not believe in mental disorders and kept pushing me not to take my medication.  I see now that taking a break from the meds exacerbated my depressed state and made me feel suicidal...that is a mistake I will not repeat.  I feel as though I don't have a choice because they are so helpless if I don't intervene...my father would already be dead if I had not stepped in to make sure he went to see the right doctor, got insurance coverage, and was taking the right medications at the right time.  There are still a lot of issues that need sorting out that they cannot do on their own (their house, taxes, etc).

Everything else aside I have scheduled for him to see a specialist who will give him the psychological evaluation he desperately needs.  I am hoping that they are able to figure out what is going on with him and get him on a treatment plan...I cannot keep taking his anger, blame, and threats that he will not eat, take his meds, or continue his treatment.  Fingers crossed.

You have to make peace with

You have to make peace with your Dad.  You dont seem to want to.  Trust me when I say this, I had no desire to make peace with my wife. She was abusive for many years.  My wife and I came home from the hospital when our 3rd child was born and went to the basement to live. She was depressed.  I had a 6 year old, 4 year old, and 1-day old baby to take care of and a job and someone had to pay the bills.  I was stressed out and my wife literally stayed in the basement 23+ hours a day...everyday.  Two and half years later, her sister came and took her to a clinic and she was diagnosed with cancer.  Then a year of chemotherapy and even now, she blows up and gets enraged over really stupid stuff.  You write:

"I am hoping that they are able to figure out what is going on with him and get him on a treatment plan...I cannot keep taking his anger, blame, and threats that he will not eat, take his meds, or continue his treatment."

I said the same thing a million times.  I said "I cannot keep taking her anger, blame and threats".  I also said that I cant keep taking her lies.  I said this to everyone who would listen.  And then I just stopped getting angry about anything my wife said and/or her anger.  I never argued with her again.  If she yelled, I listened and walked away.  She wouldnt let me talk any ways. If she blamed me for some thing, accused me of something really bad, I shrugged my shoulders and denied it but I never got mad once.  And trust me when I say, she accused me of some really bad stuff.  Whatever accusations your Dad has leveled against you, the anger, the blame, the lies, you have forgive and move on and find peace with your Dad.  I know its not easy (trust me I know there are times the accusation is so false you want to charge in and say "stop it"). If peace means just letting him yell.  Then so be it; let him yell and be angry and walk away from it. You are the better person for walking away from the argument.

beth39

Hold on

Taking care a Cancer patient has Sucked the life out of me. Nobady walks in our shoes so they cannot judge us. I get it.

Noellesmom

I hear you

All we can do is what we can do.

Hugs, Beth.

here4lfe

Take care of yourself

I did not experience this. My wife's passing was peaceful. But one thing I did was to enlist the help of friends to do things to spell me, and to try to anticipate her needs so I wasn't caught off guard.

MMDowns

Oh friend, my heart hurts for

Oh friend, my heart hurts for you and Catholic.  I'm commenting because I feel for both of you.  Both you and Catholic need to find happiness.  And soon.  What an undertaking for both of you to not only try and take care of the family members that are ill but to then take the abuse of said ill person.  I hope you both can talk to someone professionally that can help.  Taking abuse all that time does nothing but kill your psyche and just drains you of all peace and love that you have inside.  I hope that you both can distance yourselves from the anger and the pain.  Find happiness on this journey.