Mother is dying of Stage 4 bone and Breast cancer'

mercydt

Hello everyone. I am new to this site. I need to find some help and support. My mother is on hospice and I am the main caregiver for her at home. I am living here in her home. Left my job to help her,because no one esle in the family could help full time.My mom wanted to come home. Do not have much support from other family members. It has been over 4months since my mother made to the choice to go on hospice. I am having a very hard time and beginning to feel very burned out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ladylacy

Your mother

I am sorry to hear about your mother.  Are you taking advantage of what hospice has to offer?  My husband was on in-home hospice for almost 2 years before he passed and hospice offered a lot of help when it was needed.  Guess I was lucky because he was able to do for himself with my help up until about the last 2-3 months of his life.  Hospice offered more and more as he became weaker and weaker.  I was his only caregiver -- seems as though our grown children were to busy with their own lives to help and as far as siblings mine didn't offer and his were so much older and didn't live close by. 

Hospice offered someone to come in and bath him, sit with him while I ran errands and at the last 24 hour nursing was offered.  In-patient hospice wasn't offered until the last two weeks but it was something we both didn't want.  Check with your hospice to see what they offer.

Caregiving is hard and watching your loved one die is not easy.  You must take care of yourself.  I would get mad at times and would tell my husband I wasn't mad at him but at the situation and he understood.  Ask family members for help some don't understand unless they have been thru it themselves.  My neighbors were always asking what they could do to help but my husband was a stubborn man and wouldn't admit when he needed help.  He was cutting grass up until the last month or two.  Something he loved to do and loved to be outside regardless of the weather.

Wishing you peace and comfort.

mercydt

Hi and thank you for your

Hi and thank you for your response to my post. Hospice does and has provided some help in the home for my mother, but she has been very picky about who she has let help her. It is hard to find someone she trusts if they are strangers. She does not want anyone to help her with personal care but me. She does not want anyone to see her like this and has a hard time letting others take care of her. My parents are low income and do not have the money for any other care accept thur Medicare. I am also low income before I left my job and now have very little resourses.My father who also lives in the house is no help and can not handle anything with her personal care. He has become worse during this whole time and drinks to deal with everything. It is very hard dealing with my mom , but I also have to deal with my father and his unheathy behaviors. I have one brother who is able to be with my mom and sit with her so I can go out, but that is not very offen. Her condition is getting worse and soon I know that she will be not be able to do anything at all for herself. Right now she do not eat much but once a day and is in bed for most of the day and sleeps.She has lost a lot of weight. She can bare her weight to walk alittle, but she is very weak. Thank God she do not need pain meds yet, but has much discomfort with cough and chest congestion.She has aches and soreness with her bones. I do have some support from friends outside my family, but other than that everything has been falling on me,and I am already becoming very tired and upset with everything. Hospice will not give us very much hours a week to care for my mom right now other than 4 to 5 hours a week plus a one hour visit from the nurse.I know this will change when things become worse with my mother. I do not want that to happen,but I know that only near the end does hospice care increase. I would need some more help now but can not afford some one to come in a few hours each day.So I am here day in and day out. Do not sleep much at nights because she needs help during the night. I do not know anything else I can do but to continue to pray to God for help and for daily strength.

 

 

 

 

 

Ladylacy

Your mother

I do understand about strangers because we didn't want them in our home either.  So I did everything.  Your mother should take pain medication because it would help her but apparently she doesn't want to.   Her discomfort and aches would benefit from pain medication.  I can remember when we started our 5 year journey, my husband didn't want any pain medication but that changed and it was needed although he would lie to the nurse about his pain level when she asked.  He never took that much pain medication and that was something that surprised the nurse because we all knew he was in great pain.   There is also other medication that hospice can provide and that you don't have to pay for.  Medicare took care of everything for my husband and the nurses that we had were great.  Even had them coming to the house on a Saturday evening to replace his feeding tube which had come out two different times in the last 2 months of his life.  My husband was on pain medication and Ativan which helps the patient relax. 

The last 2 weeks of his life, hospice was offering in-patient hospice but that was something we didn't want and that was when 24/7 nursing was offered which we didn't take.  I am sorry about your father but he needs to realize that his help is needed and that his drinking isn't helping you or your mother.  It is hard to watch some one you love slowly die.  I had been with my husband since I was a junior in high school and we married right after I graduated.  We were together one month shy of our 53rd wedding anniversary when he died.

Wishing you pleace and comfort

Tracy H

Feeling lost and bitter

I just joined this site and immediately felt a connection to your issues. I do not live with my mother though and feel so much empathy for your struggle. I may have to have her come live with me though because we're running out of money for home health. I find myself so angry all the time. She looks to me to handle everything, but goes behind my back and does whatever she wants. My sister won't come out from Ohio to help even for a few days, just wants to be kept informed. I feel very bitter toward her for that. I don't know how to be a parent and a child to her at the same time. I find I just don't want to talk to her much and I feel pretty guilty about that.

bratgrr1

Tracy H said:

Feeling lost and bitter

I just joined this site and immediately felt a connection to your issues. I do not live with my mother though and feel so much empathy for your struggle. I may have to have her come live with me though because we're running out of money for home health. I find myself so angry all the time. She looks to me to handle everything, but goes behind my back and does whatever she wants. My sister won't come out from Ohio to help even for a few days, just wants to be kept informed. I feel very bitter toward her for that. I don't know how to be a parent and a child to her at the same time. I find I just don't want to talk to her much and I feel pretty guilty about that.

Lost and Bitter too

My mother is stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that has spread to most of her bones and spine.  I am her caregiver.  I have a brother who is basically uninvolved.  He visits her from time to time but doesn't help with her care.  I also work full time and am gone about 11-12 hours a day and then have to run her household in my "spare" time.  I buy her groceries, do her laundry, take care of her pets, take care of her meds, fill her pill box, schedule all of her appointments and transportation to get her there, open her mail, refill her prescriptions, you  name it, I do it.  Running 2 households is wearing me down and lately she has been mean and snapping at me from time to time.  I am trying to find a caregiver support group in my area.  I realize she doesn't mean what she says but it's hurtful none the less when I am doing all these things for her and she treats me like that.  She has home health check in on her once a week and PT twice a week but that's it.  Tracy H. yesterday she told me to stop mothering her but I HAVE TO DO THAT.  I too cannot find the balance between bieng a parent and child to her at the same time and I find myself feeling lost and bitter and taken advantage of too.  

mcrhoutsong

Hang in there!

You are not alone.   Remember to look for the beautiful things in life. My mom is in stage 4 as well. And I'm trying to learn how to cope as well and be all I can be for her. We are all in this together. Virtual hug or smile or both.. coming your way.